ive been sitting and thinking and i thought that ed never strictly said anything about his moms room being locked and why he did so, and apparently the whole augusta shrine thing is made up by the media and it accured to me that he possibly locked up her room and avoided areas where she usually was because of fear. i mean he did mention hallucinations that his mother talked to him or that he had dreams about her and eddie believed in many "fairytales" about the dead and their souls so perhaps he did it cause he thought his own mother came back to haunt him and he was simply afraid and confused. I mean look at his reaction when his house burned down, that man did not bat an eye. idk that could be just me tho..

another thing that bugs me is how shame especially excessive and imposed shapes a human. as far as ik shame was a giant part of eddies life and it shaped his entire personality and thinking processes. it pains me how he never "grew out" of seeing himself as dirty and unworthy or out of place in the society, how he never got to understand and experience the beauty of intimacy, whether its self love or making love to smb, how he hated himself for having basic human reflexes. a lot of his defense mechanisms including unexplainable frustration and urges to destroy seem to stem from constant shame, bashfulness, lack of self esteem whatever you wanna call it. i recall him often "exploding" at the questions he didnt like, he became upset or even cried at questions or topics he wasnt fond of n then a moment later he put himself together and again; felt shame and guilt, and that makes me think oh my god just how much has he held back that drained his brain so much. i am pretty sure he wasnt slow or whatevs, like the media often paint him as handicapped, i think him being so unstable and childish were the consequences of pernament brain damage due to untreated illness. people DO NOT REALIZE how neglecting mental issues can change a person i will never shut up about how the world failed him and many other people who only needed proper help

it makes me so uncomfortable to think how edward couldve been very self aware. i mean imagine seeing your mind spiral into madness, every time you try at least a bit to get yourself out of the hole of isolation the society pushes you back inside for being awkward and eccentric, you know you do not fit in and you will never truly be accepted no matter how hard the people play pretend, you are ill and you cannot tell whats wrong but you know something is surely wrong. you know your thoughts and actions are not the way they should be, but yet you try to justify it even though you *know* it is wrong, your whole world becomes warped and filled with themes from books you once read and it literally posesses you to reconstruct certain aspects of it, things you once loved become nightmares than haunt you every time you fall asleep. fucking scary