Personify

Had this thought lately

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. - 2 Timothy 1:7

I started diving into this line circa 2017 I believe. 

And coming back to what I read in “How Not To Give A Fuck” by Mark Manson

Faults results from choices that have already been made. Responsibility results from the choices you’re currently making every second of every day. 

Nobody is responsible for your situation other than you. Many people may be to blame for your unhappiness but nobody is ever responsible for your unhappiness but you - Mark Manson

Power is the inner fruit that I want to cultivate for my goodness. 

Power is not chasing goals after goals because additions in life can be a chore and tiring. 

After all, if I can move mountains and without love, then what am I? 

Not saying that what I did was all in vain but I learnt that it is better to just focus on the goodness that is already within us.

It took me 2020 to realise that; heartbreaks and goals settings gone wrong

Power here is my stand to what I believe. Because if I believe the goodness in me, it is already power.

God doesn’t necessary wants you to move mountains for yourself just so it shows strength (power?). It’s already enough if I take responsibility of the power that I have which is acknowledging my anger (because if I acknowledge my anger, I know what is corrupted for my growth, what keeps me stagnant and anger helps in balancing!)

Wishes untold told

Perpetual cycle of illusions

Balancing morality

The death of the ego - infinite

The healing for the wounded human soldier

I was scrolling through Twitter and I saw Edna tweet,

“I don’t need solutions. I need comfort”

The Power and Self Discipline was made known - while journeying

“Of course learning about Power from you”

“Of course, I got to learn what self discipline means”

I thought I knew of Love.

Guidance of 1 Corinthians 13 with the manifestation of the Mother God eventually

Coming around to Love; infinity 

Last night I dream that I was in some dodgy local coffeeshop. Just so happen to be at the toilet, I saw Vic with a guy showed up. We both look surprise. The guy, a friend, swept her hair as if they have talk about me. He quickly look repulsive when I told her “eh you both came together”. The guy isn’t chinese nor anyone I have met.

When I tried to talk to her that I found a therapy session for her, she look scared. Scared as fuck and look repulsive but she gathered her courage to talk. 

Very interesting dream. 

this happened when I attended Victoria’s online streaming set. 

Jien had their first week of work done and we hanged out at the Market before visiting her. 

During her set she played this particular beat that made me energised to just. Dance and forget. 

But what happened after few songs played was unreal. 

I came to meet my creator. This time in a form of a woman (?)

She came and just swirl with me. 

At first I was dumbfounded and thought it was my imagination

But as I flow with the beat I came to meet this person whom I met a few times in my dreams. 

She knows no boundaries but she kept her distance away from me. 

Wants me to stay in between the light and the dark that was just divided by an Ikea light stand that we got that week. 

She looked at me every time I tried to look away. 

She played with that hollow area wishing I would remember something. 

of course she did a good job; all I remember was encountering her in my dreams. 

I was stucked in time with her and she demands my attention to my needs. 

for as long as I acknowledge what I really need she would only let me out of her sight. 

I did. I obeyed and I accepted it. 

I went out of the room feeling confused yet real yet what happened and I couldn’t understand what happened. 

Yet. I knew. But who are you? 

She coils your heart 

as if you could feel this cascading feeling rushing into 

                                          the void within

                   It’s too     

                                                                    radioactive   

  but it feels good, venom

                      Butterscotch 

                                                and remembering  where you’re at, 

                                                The Girl

Everything happens at it’s perfect timing. 

ah, the privilege to just be

=====

This is a space I provide myself to narrate my writings and what are the ways I could improve from. I was in a state of daze and remembering about Vic and the time we had back then vs where we are at right now. Jien might be in mourning. And it just so happen I watch Mooji’s meditating teaching on I Am.

There was a card pulled during the transformation card reading with Erin at the beginning of the year. It was an oracle card that goes something like “Taking the lead’. 

The card was placed at the middle of the deck spread. Its a call to take my leadership hat in place to “cross over” which I admittedly being neglecting since God knows when because it’s just hard. 

I find it hard. I find myself unheard of. I wasn’t ready. I was small.  I always shut myself down or I wasn’t confident about my role and even if I did put half of my heart the project seemed to go south. I put guilt on my past actions hence not having the space to grow further with this skill.

But the card in placed felt that I need to take that part of me back. To take back my birthright power. I was stunned when it got pulled as if something just showed my shadow but I need to take it else I wouldn’t grow fulfilled in the transformation. And a waste of time and effort done by my favourite card reader so it isn’t fair to her too.

Then I reflect back. The reason why I hid myself in this role was that I felt not fit to be in a place to lead. That I had to be perfect to be. I reflect through the years that I’m always being picked up to lead; NS, school, uni project, current PDP 2020 program. 

But one thing I learn this year is that in leadership, It’s okay to not be perfect. I learn best to lead whenever I gave the permission to grow with my members of any project. Where I told them that I want to learn and to help me remind if I miss anything out is also a leadership skill.  Leadership needs to facilitate the clear communication within its members. 

It isn’t about leading a perfect troupe to a battlefield but to go through it together with the coordination of the leader with its members and learn from there. 

I cannot be frustrated at those times on where I could or would have done better. So I felt more in flow and ease in doing my duty now when I finally accept and to just be.

“The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me, the true joy's in the mystery.”

Today I had a talk with Victoria today on death. She asked me whether I would be immortal or whether I chose to be human and go through death. 

At first I hesitate to answer but watching the last episode of The Good Place halfway made me realise that I would not choose to be immortal. 

The episode made me realise that if we go through the real good place, we would be just existing. A never ending perfection of bliss and there wasn’t any growth. So most of the people in the real good place are just like zombie where their brain just literally is “dead”, already at the state of perfection. 

The team, Eleanor and the rest, decide to rectify the system with the judge and the rest of the universe, the bad place and the architects of the system; to put an existing door at the good place for anyone who decides to leave. 

No one knows what will it be at the end of the door but the last part of the episode shows Eleanor disperse into the air, travels to Earth and helped Micheal get a membership card for a supermarket which he thank the person who sent it (which Eleanor dispersed orb went into a human body and instead to get back the thrown letter and sent it to the original owner, Micheal). 

I had a realisation within me after having a good run, thanking the universe for a wonderful run and night at Mao’s and also listening to a really good piece by Ryuichi Sakamoto’s Koko with Victoria which she say would be a really good wedding song for us but deep down I disagree but same time happy; she just shared me a feeling of just letting my guards down and in peace, content. With her presence around and I also believe that God was there in our presence where I finally assure her when I talk to the universe to give us the time spent listening to the stuck Spotify listening to Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. 

The realisation is that God is really there for us. He really wants us to be the best version of his work of art, to be better than what we are yesterday and that gives me the definition of growth. 

I guess that is growth. You grow something; a skill, emotions, empathy, knowledge, love. And eventually a time will come to meet the unknown where we meet the creator and eventually will say thank you for the time teaching me and sharing this love. I am ready to move on. 

i texted Vic up for a smoke after sending my sister back to KD. 

It was a lovely period of catching up with her to see her and catch up at the hill 

Expressing more of what frustrations we have with human beings and to just be

Till we had to find more smokes to annihilate the life of us 

We roamed in KL and we roamed further to Sri Damansara but to no avail on finding even a stick.

Petaling Street is fun, it is there but not there yet kind of feels.

Sri Damansara is home, remembering the past of bad habits.

Till she opened Polica’s new album, When We Stay Alive. 

It was a strange moment; to relive the thought that the first few meets with her was me sharing Polica ‘Wondering Star’ with her and she ventured more with it and shared her gatherings with me. 

The talks in the car about responsibility, being a middle person, taking leadership, tarot readings and letting go. 

Today I dream that I attended one of Vic's concert. It was live at some rural area. Very cooling. People were very supportive. There were lots of attendance.

I once asked why did you switch your venue from the front open dewan to the closed dewan behind it.

She said the fans wanted one that is enclosed but the opportunity that she may missed would be the size of the crowd. No doubt both ways would reap a full crowd.

I remember meeting her. I hug her tightly. I could feel resistance like as if her arms feels like it may tugging away from the embrace but she has this assurance that whenever she does that and I let go she goes back to me and just assure me.

It always happened to a few dreams but this time she had me reassured. It felt good.

Today and yesterday I dream I met up with Vic.

Saturday:

I met up with Vic at her place and came to pick her up. She was packing up. She got a few stuff. I was from this place where the backyard was an inventor's area. I finally got a deal to do some skyrocket project (?) Coz I remember there was a mini space launch pad there.

We were in a place where its a fast food chain. Its neither KFC or McD but it has their typical look.

I got her dessert. She was happy. I remember dropping her first and I was finding a carpark outside the building. I walk upstairs via the stairs. It was pretty weird coming into the restaurant coz I came from a backdoor which a party was happening, the room was dimmed but someone showed me the way to the restaurant front.

I met back with Vic. She forgot to bring her stuff from the front table to where she was sitting then. So I brought all of her belongings back.

Apparently the front part of the counter, there were people doing some repair works on your watches, glasses, selling Drimmel bits set, nail clippers, screwdrivers. Just this services. Vic got something fixed. She got a new glass or she replaced the batteries to her watch.

I remember looking at her way as she pay the good man his services and I was searching for the watch that she fixed and I woke up.

Yesterday:

I dream that I was at a house with Vic and it was a gateway. It was blur because I don't know why we were there but I guess in reality I wanted to meet up with her and we were booking a place for her virtual sets.