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i need dana AND cassie actually i keep thinking about when cassie texted dana in your smau like.. i literally am in great need of more of that
[🥐]
mcevans who were in a happy relationship before you arrived at ptmc.
mcevans who both noticed you way more than they should. dana and cassie would joke about how cute you are, but assumed that it was nothing more than a joke.
mcevans who eventually talked to each other about opening their relationship because you were driving them crazy by simply existing & being your beautiful self.
mcevans who wasn’t sure how to approach you. dana, being smoother than cassie, casually flirted with you one day. it was blatant flirting, but you knew dana was with cassie, so you assumed you must be misreading obvious signals.
mcevans who realized they need to straight up ask you instead of dancing around you. one day cassie complimented your appearance, and you didn’t think much of it. then, only an hour later, she asked if you could talk. cassie brought you to an empty on-call room, dana already waiting there. butterflies immediately fluttered in your stomach.
mcevans who asked you together if you would want to go on a date with them sometime. cassie was nervously biting her nails waiting for your response, her eyes glued to your gorgeous body. dana just had her hands on her hips, eyeing you like a hawk as she awaited your answer.
mcevans who took you out only a few days after you accepted their date offer. they took you to a nice, fancy restaurant and paid for everything. after the date, they were hopeful, but not expecting anything more from you. but you were ready.
mcevans who both checked in with you several times, making sure you were okay before proceeding further.
mcevans who worshipped you. their sole focus that night was making you feel good. their older women, both experienced and who know the female anatomy better than the back of their hand, had you falling apart in the matter of minutes.
mcevans who took care of their pretty girl after destroying her. they cleaned you up, gave you ice cold water to sip, showered you with kisses, and stuck at your side.
mcevans who give the best cuddles ever. you feel so safe trapped between them <33
ex wife reader who has a panic attack and no one can calm you down. even dana is struggling. i just imagine santos being like “can we just fucking get mckay already?”
and everyone’s like :/ and look at you to see a reaction from the mention of cassie and you just let out a sob and nod
once cassie’s there i imagine a “jesus christ what happened?”
cassie dropping a “shhh it’s okay baby” she realizes she’d not called you baby in… a long time. and you curl into her and she’s just questioning everything
🫰🏻
idk about the timeline or the age gap of cassie and r so just use your imaginations 😂
you and cassie have always acted professional towards each other at work. no one knew that you two have dated, or once married for that matter. except dana who was mckay's confidant and santos, your work best friend.
in your defense, the whole thing was a whirlwind romance. you and cassie got married in a chapel in vegas during a conference week, both stone cold sober. you both loved each other before you really got to know each other, which you both realized wasn't as romantic as you thought and caused a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications and a lot of hurt in the end.
but if anybody asked if you'd change your decision, you would lie and say yes.
-
you were having a good shift, smooth even. patients transferred upstairs, discharged, and recovered. not until this patient of yours, a man with anger management issues decided that it would be fun to berate and yell at you in front of the entire pitt. al-hashimi already stepped in and with her all-commanding voice, she scolded the patient and asked him if he still wanted to be treated or he wanted to sign a waiver and leave.
it didn't mean for you to trigger your issues with your father really. the trauma of just hearing a man yelling, especially at you, was a very sensitive topic that you had tried to work with with your therapist for years.
your heart raced as dana pulled you away from the room. she reassured you that you did nothing wrong. but your heart kept going and going until your chest hurt and it was harder to breathe and the voices got louder and louder and -
"darlin', what's wrong?" you heard dana ask and you tried, really tried, to answer but your throat was suddenly dry and your chest felt heavy it hurt. "let's get you into a bed, alright?" dana guided you in a free room, away from the commotion.
you started sweating a lot and dana couldn't get through you so she called santos for help, knowing you and santos were inseparable.
"hey, y/n," she cupped your face, asking you to take a deep breath in and long breath out. you heard her but you couldn't, for the life of you, get your body to respond the way you wanted it to.
stupid fucking body reaction.
"just call mckay," santos told dana. "she'll know what to do."
dana didn't hesitate, always quick on her feet, she easily spotted mckay charting.
"mckay, need you at south 8. asap."
cassie looked up. "what is it?"
"y/n is having a panic attack."
cassie didn't need to hear more. she beelined to your room. she found santos wiping the sweat on your face.
"step back," cassie ordered and santos was quick to obey.
cassie sat on the edge of the bed, giving you just enough space to breathe but also to let you know that you weren't alone. "look at me, baby."
baby.
cassie hadn't called you that since the divorce.
"good," she coaxed. "that's good. you hear me, right?"
you were still shaking and sweating but you nodded anyway.
"you're safe," she said. "can you tell me five things you see right now?"
taking a deep breath in, you looked around. "bed. wall. dana. trinity. y-you."
"that's good. you're doing good. four things you can touch?"
your hand began touching the things around you. "blanket. m-my hand. my legs. t-this," you tugged on the call bell.
"good job." cassie moved a little closer to your side. "how about three things you can hear?"
"i can hear my heart beating in my ears."
"is that all?"
"i hear you."
"and...?"
"i hear footsteps outside."
"that's great, baby. you're doing great." cassie took your hand and gently squeezed it. "what are the two things you can smell?"
you paused for a second, trying to focus. "i can smell the fabcon from this bedsheet. it's new."
cassie nodded, waiting for another answer.
"i-i smell you." valentino donna born in roma, you remembered it still. and a lotion that she put on every morning yet the smell stayed all day.
"one thing you can taste?"
you stared at her, thinking. your eyes dart to her lips but quickly looked up. you wer your lips and gulped.
"my throat is dry."
"here you go." dana offered you a bottle then took santos with her to give you some privacy.
"how are you feeling now?" cassie asked.
you stared at your hands. they're less shaky and sweaty. your chest already felt much lighter and your heart beat slower.
"better. i-i don't know what happened."
cassie gently ran a hand through your hair. "it happens, okay? no one's judging you here. least of all, medical professionals."
"i know but still... i-i didn't mean... i got scared."
"can you tell me what happened?"
cassie, ever the patient one, scoot in beside you. for a moment, everything was quiet. cassie was trying to get you to match her relaxed breathing and you did eventually. your head rested on her shoulder.
it took another minute for you to start telling her what happened and cassie listened closely.
cassie x ex-wife “you haven’t changed” “is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
-🍎
harrison's wedding had been one that you're waiting for. you loved his fiancée, kate, ever since you first met her in your son's high school baseball game. they have been together since then. so anyone can imagine how thrilled you were when he told you he wanted to propose to her ten years later.
as much as your marriage with cassie didn't work and been divorced for as long as you have been together, you still loved weddings so much that you made a career out of wedding planning.
and you were honored that harrison and kate wanted to plan their wedding with you.
"hey, ma." harrison, a lot taller than you now, put his arm around your shoulder. "this is a really good venue. we love it." he said, looking around the vast view of the beach.
"your mom and i got married here," you said.
his head tilted slightly. "really? that's why mom knew so much about this place."
"uh-huh. we conceived you here."
"ew," harrison grimaced. "and may i remind you i'm an IVF baby. unless one of you have the p-e-n-i-s."
"honey, you're 28. you can say penis."
"not in front of you."
you let out a laugh. "silly boy." you opened a folder. their wedding file. you checked on the list and it's almost complete. one last thing was the final guest list from kate's side.
"i was looking all over for you," a familiar voice cut through the silence. "sweetheart, kate is looking for you."
"oh shoot!" harrison quickly ran outside, leaving you and cassie alone in the hall.
you exchanged polite smiles.
"you haven't changed," cassie said.
"is that a good thing or bad thing?" you quipped.
she shrugged and took a seat on the windowsill. "you dyed your hair."
"cassie, i'm having grey hairs."
"it's natural? wow."
"shut up."
"no, i mean it. wow. it suits you." she paused and looked around. "did you tell him we got married here?"
you nodded. you sat on the opposite end of the windowsill, facing cassie. "told him we conceived him here."
cassie cackled loudly. "what did he say?"
"that unless one of us has a penis, it's impossible." you grinned. "can't even say penis in front of me so he just spelled it."
cassie shook her head, laughing. "that's your son."
"he's yours too."
"he's ours."
you two were quiet for a moment, watching harrison and kate through the window. they were walking on the shore and talking to kate's parents. harrison was still as in love with kate as they remembered him when he was a teenager.
it was beautiful.
cassie's eyes drifted back to you. "you think they'll end up like we do?"
"like what?"
"this."
"i didn't leave because i didn't love you." you said defensively.
cassie knew that. "i just loved the job more, didn't i?"
"you save lives."
"couldn't save our marriage."
"to be fair, it wasn't coding on a bed." you joked.
"touché."
you and cassie shared a laugh.
cassie diverted the conversation to ask about the wedding plans and you rambled on about everything while showing her harrison and kate's personalized wedding prep folder.
i love this concept so much !! a part two where you reconnect ??? maybe ?? what if cassie tells you at the rehearsal dinner that she’s stepped back at the hospital. she wants to try again 🥺
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you were in the passenger seat of cassie’s grey sedan. at your feet there was an empty mcdonald’s cup and a couple of receipts. cassie had apologized to you and your friends aka her fellow coworkers about the mess when she picked you all up from the club. victoria, trinity, and dennis were all piled in the back. cassie had to pull over at one point so dennis wouldn’t puke all over her car. she dropped him and trinity off first, their apartment being just under 10 minutes from the club you were at. victoria was next, even though her parents’ place is a little closer to cassie’s than it is to yours. then it was just you and cassie, the confidence you had previously wavering as the alcohol in your system starts to abandon you. cassie being right beside you wasn’t helping matters either.
“here?” cassie asks as she makes a left turn around a building.
“yeah,” you tell her as you point ahead to your apartment complex. “it’s that one.”
cassie takes your directions and stays quiet, driving across the lot to an empty spot just outside of your building. she puts her car in park, then rests her hands on her lap. you’re looking down at your own lap, your heart hammering almost as much as your head will tomorrow.
“do you need me to walk you inside?” cassie asks carefully, not sure if she’s overstepping by offering.
“i’m okay,” you answer, still looking away from her. “thanks though. and thanks for picking up me and trin and vic, and dennis in the middle of the night. you really didn’t have to do that, so thank you.”
“my pleasure,” cassie replies, a soft smile spreading across her face. “and are you sure you don’t want me to walk you? it’s late and i don’t want anyone following you or something.”
“if you want to you can.”
“okay, i will.” a pause. neither of you speak. then, a couple long seconds later, “you’re awfully quiet,” cassie points out, the corners of her lips twitching up into a subdued smirk. “earlier you couldn’t shut up. if i remember correctly, you sent me a voice message almost a minute long in addition to several texts. all of them about me and how ‘hot’ i am.”
you drop your head back against the seat, warmth flushing your pink cheeks. with an embarrassed smile, you bring your hands up to cover your face. “oh, god. cassie, please, please forget about that,” you beg, your voice muffled by your hands.
ignoring you, cassie laughs. “why would i?”
you open your mouth to speak, but your breath catches in your throat as you feel two strong hands wrap around your wrist, pulling your hands away from your face. “cassie!” you whine as you try and resist her inescapable grasp, giggles spilling out.
“it’s cute,” cassie tells you, your hands slowly being lowered despite your uncooperative squirms. “you’re cute.”
“i’m drunk,” you counter, finally meeting cassie’s gaze.
“which is exactly why i’m not going to do anything,” cassie explains, still gripping your wrists. “not tonight anyways.”
“not tonight? what would you do if i wasn’t wasted?”
cassie lets out a huff and smiles softly, looking away from you. this time it’s her turn to get shy. “i dunno, maybe, uh, kiss you?”
you stare at cassie for a few moments, your jaw on the floor. then, before you can really think it through, you practically throw yourself over the dash. your lips messily slam against cassie’s. she lets out a surprised squeal in response before quickly melting into your touch. she lets go of your wrists and snakes a hand around your back while the other cradles your head. cassie lets out a pleased hum against your lips, you moaning in response. cassie pulls back just a second later, your mouth chasing hers. she chuckles and brushes some hair out of your face, holding you back so you can’t kiss her, but still close.
“i’m surprised,” cassie murmurs, her blue eyes scanning yours, mesmerizing every detail as best as she can in the dimly lit car, the moonlight pouring in. “you seemed so mortified.”
you let out a small chuckle and look down, a blush creeping up on your cheeks. “i am mortified,” you mumble. you look back up a couple seconds later and see that cassie’s already staring at you expectantly, a small yet adorable smile she can’t seem to shake plastered across her face. “i’m a mess,” you sigh.
cassie’s smile only grows. she looks at you so endearingly, your heart melting. “so am i,” she tells you. “now, let me walk you up to your unit, mkay? we can talk again tomorrow, baby.”
you nod, giddily smiling. “okay.”
cassie grabs your cheeks, pulling you forward to give your forehead a kiss. “let’s go, sweet girl.”
summary: being away from cassie might be too much. it might be something you can never come back from. something you can never heal from.
warnings: slow burn, age gap (reader is 26, cassie is 42), angst, hurt, mutual pining/yearning
word count: 3.4k
a/n: not proofread >.<
soundtrack ‧₊˚♫ ˊ⊹
MASTERLIST
If your time apart with Cassie has taught you anything, it’s that you love her. So much. But you’ve also grown to resent her.
It’s not so much the leaving you that hurts anymore (although it still does). It’s loving someone who no longer shares your life, the distance between you stretching far beyond miles and into every part of your life. Reminders of Cassie hide in every corner, haunting you. It’s become a burden you never asked to carry.
She’s been in Ohio for almost two months now. You’ve been doing okay at keeping in touch, but as your lives get busier, it gets harder to. Because of that, every Thursday you decided to call one another at 8:00PM.
Tonight, Cassie called you 40 minutes later than usual. You had tried ringing her on time, but she didn’t respond. Then you texted Cassie, asking if she was okay. No response. You were curled up on your couch watching a movie when your phone started to vibrate on the coffee table.
You answered and were immediately met with Cassie’s voice, apologies spilling out for not even texting you. She explained that there was an emergency at work she got called in for. Curious, you asked what it was about and Cassie rambled on about the issue. It got to the point where you started to zone out, your eyes trained on the TV, but not registering what’s in front of you or what’s in your ears.
“Sorry,” Cassie sighs. “It was… it was just a huge mess,” she says with a groan. “Anyways, how was your day? Did Princess end up going out on that date with that nurse who transferred from Mercy?”
No response.
“Y/N?”
“Huh? Hm?”
“Uh… I asked about Princess,” Cassie says cautiously. “But also how you’re doing. You can talk about what-whatever.”
“Oh. Um, well, nothing much has been happening here. Princess did end up going out with that new nurse, and I think they have another date coming up.”
“Good for her.”
“Mhm,” you hum in agreement.
“You tired, baby?”
“Hm? Uh…” you sigh and rub a hand over your face. “Yeah, but I’m okay. What else were you saying?”
Cassie pauses for a moment, the faint sound of a sigh coming from her end. “I don’t have any major updates either.”
You’re both silent for a few moments.
“Oh!” you say, snapping your fingers as you come up with something to talk about. “Did I tell you about the club I went to with Trinity and Dennis?”
“I remember you mentioning you were going out last week.”
“Okay, the craziest thing happened…”
You tell Cassie about that night, recalling as much as possible. Three drinks in, you got hit on by this guy. The alcohol put you in a playful mood, so you humored him, only to end the lengthy conversation by telling him you’re gay. The man’s reaction was priceless, and luckily, he left you alone after that. Then you tell Cassie about how drunk Trinity and Dennis got, the three of you performing a trio of the Mamma Mia version of Honey, Honey. It was the best night you’ve had in a while.
“I’m glad you had fun,” Cassie tells you as you conclude the various stories from that night out. “You deserve to have fun.”
“I almost didn’t go,” you admit.
“Why not?”
“Well… because Trinity wanted to go out to find someone for me. I didn’t want a stupid hookup though.”
“Why’d you go then?”
“I dunno, I still wanted a night out. I told Trinity I would try talking to people, but I had no intention of actually going through with anything.”
“Did you want to?” Cassie asks, her voice soft and quiet.
“Um, no.” You clear your throat. “No, I’m not ready for that. I don’t want to do that.”
“It’s okay if you do.”
Your breath catches in your throat, your whole body going still. Cassie’s permission is making your mind spin with questions.
“You don’t need to wait.”
“Oh.”
“I want you to be happy.”
“I know,” you whisper.
“Okay,” Cassie whispers back. “Okay,” she repeats a few seconds later, this time at a normal volume, “I, um— uh, good.”
“I’m actually going out again tomorrow.”
“You are?” Cassie asks, her tone seemingly excited, although, her voice is a bit squeaky. “I’m glad. I hope you have a good time, baby.”
That pet name has always came out so naturally, always filling you with warmth.
“I’m sure I will. It’s with the day crew actually. It’s Mel’s birthday. She didn’t have any plans to celebrate, so we decided to take her out. Her sister’s coming too,” you explain. “It’ll be fun.” A pause. “But I wish you could come to.”
“Yeah,” Cassie says. You can almost see the sad smile on her face. “Me too. Tell her I said happy birthday.”
“I will, Cass.”
“Mkay, thanks.” A few seconds go by. Then, “I know we haven’t been talking for very long, but I’m gonna let you go. I’m sure you want to rest for tomorrow, and I know you’re tired. Sorry again for calling you later than usual. And for not texting you.”
“It’s okay,” you tell Cassie, a small smile of your own forming. “Have a good night.”
“You too, baby. Sleep well.”
There’s a few moments of silence, neither of you saying anything, but neither of you hanging up either.
“Okay,” Cassie says, being the one to break the heavy quiet. “Bye,” she mutters before hastily hanging up.
You stare at the wall for a few seconds, no thoughts on your mind, just an emptiness. But the TV still faintly playing brings you back to reality. You grab the remote and shut it off, and then stand up. Then, you walk to your bedroom, ready to turn in.
Your body can’t handle anymore sadness tonight. It never can in the first place.
Meanwhile, a whole state over, Cassie’s left with the same void as you. There’s sorrow there too, but also defeat. Cassie can’t help but to wonder if she permanently screwed everything up by moving away.
Cassie’s more sure than ever that she wants to be with you. The age gap still troubles her, not wanting to hold you back or face judgement, but she’s ready to try anyways. Assuming that’s what you still want. And Cassie worries that the longer you spend apart, the more you’ll slip through her fingers.
Her fellowship isn’t all that. Cassie hasn’t dreaded showing up to work, and she’s definitely been learning stuff, but it’s not something she’s super passionate about. She didn’t realize how much she thrives in chaos until it left. She didn’t realize how much she loves you until she left either.
Cassie misses you. She misses her son. She misses her house. She misses the ED. She misses Pittsburgh, her home.
The chilly October air hits you as you step outside. It’s finally starting to cool down which you’re grateful for—the heat makes you miserable. Walking away from the hospital, you head towards your car, shoving your hands in your—well technically Cassie’s—jacket pockets.
Cassie had her dad help fix your car a month ago since she’s not there to do it. That was your third time seeing him. He’s really sweet and very talkative, funny too. He brought up Harrison, leading you to mention how you miss him, so Neil decided to arrange a hangout with the three of you.
It was a bit awkward at first, but you went to lunch together. Harrison talked your ear off about school and this new video game he started playing. Neil conversed with you too, asking small talk questions without overstepping. You enjoyed his company. In a way, he felt like a dad to you.
After lunch you went to an ice cream shop just a block over. There, Neil told you that if you ever need anything, you can always call him. You felt touched that he would offer you that, especially because he barely knows you and you and Cassie aren’t exactly the best of friends these days.
Before you parted ways with the two boys, Neil thanked you for hanging out with Harrison, assuming that’s not how you would want to spend your day off. You told him that you would hangout with Harrison anytime which is the truth. When you used to babysit Harrison, you honestly would’ve done it for free. He’s a low maintenance kid, and you’re helping Cassie.
But then Neil said something that really stuck with you. “We love you.”
Those three words echoed in your head, played on a loop for the days following. We. By that, did Neil mean only him and Harrison, or was he including Cassie as well? Even now, three weeks later, you still thought about Neil’s sentiment time to time—“we love you.”
You’re pulled out of your thoughts as you reach your car. You take your hands out of your pockets and grab your keys, unlocking your rundown car. Then you get inside, placing your bag on the passenger seat.
Right when you’re about to back out, you hear a text message notification. Leaving your car in park, you check it. It’s Cassie.
Cassie: I’m sorry for putting all of this on you right now. I know we said we don’t have to talk about it until I get back, but do you still want to be with me?
Cassie: Please, I need to know
You close your eyes and take a deep breath, not ready or wanting to get into this right now. You could ignore Cassie’s texts and answer it tomorrow or the next day. But her messages seem desperate. You’re not sure if you can make her wait.
The answer to her question isn’t so black and white. Yes, you want to be with Cassie. But there’s also trust and betrayal there that have been broken, and she’s not even here to repair the damage.
It’s like an untreated wound—if you have a cut that requires stitches, you need to be brought in right away. If you don’t, and instead put a bandaid on it, it’s a temporary fix that’ll cause long term damage. Your cut won’t heal properly, and after a certain amount of time, you can’t go back and fix it. How it healed is how it healed. It’s a scar you can’t change, that will be there forever.
You and Cassie are in that stage where you need stitches, but haven’t gotten them yet. Your cut is closing, healing on its own in a way that’s harmful. Soon, there won’t be anything you can do to change it. You don’t even know if it’s still possible to change it now or if too much time has passed.
Love is still here, but so is the hurt, and the two have become impossible to untangle.
You: it’s not an easy answer, cass
Cassie: Can I call you to talk about it?
Cassie: I need to hear your voice
You close your eyes and take a deep breath, Cassie’s words hitting you straight in the chest. You really don’t want to get into this right now, but Cassie does, and you’re not sure if you should prioritize her needs or your own.
You: you can’t wait until tmwr?
Cassie: 8:00pm tmr is too far
Before you can chicken out, you hit the call button. Cassie picks up before it even gets to two rings. You hold your phone to your ear, turning down the AC in your car so you can hear Cassie better.
“Hey,” you murmur, a knot growing in your stomach.
“Hi, baby,” Cassie says through a sigh, like she’s relieved to hear your voice. To know you’re still here.
“So, um… I don’t really know how to answer your question.”
“It’s a yes or no.”
You chuckle dryly, shaking your head. “You know it’s not that simple, Cass.”
“So you don’t?” she whispers, her voice weak.
“I… I do want to be with you.” A pause. “But! When you get back are we just supposed to act like nothing’s happened? I know it’s not fair, but I need you here now. You’re already disappearing.” Your voice quietens then, almost scared to admit this allowed. “Sometimes it feels like you’re already gone.”
“It’s, uh…” you hear a shaky sigh on the other side of the line before Cassie continues, “it’s not fair. It’s not fair to you that I just left like that.”
Nodding, you swallow the lump forming in your throat, tears starting to pool in your weary eyes. You lean your head back against the headrest and close your eyes.
“I really miss you,” Cassie confesses, something you already knew, but it’s reassuring to hear. “I miss Pittsburgh. I’ve always felt kind of lonely, but I’m realizing how many people I had now that I’m away. I’m going to come back. It’s just going to be another month.”
“More than a month,” you correct.
“Yeah, um, a little more than a month. But I-I want to come back to you. I don’t know how I’ll be able to see you at work everyday if you hate me,” Cassie rambles, her voice frantic, scared even. “And yeah, I deserve it, you should hate me, but god, I… I love you. And I think you still love me. Even if you hate me too.”
You’re silent for a few seconds, gathering your bearings. Cassie’s breathing is heavy in your ear, and for a moment, it feels like she’s actually here.
“I love you,” you tell Cassie, attempting to keep your voice strong. “But I do kind of hate you. I hate that you’re not here. I hate that the only reason why you moved to a whole other state is because you needed to get away from me. I hate that it took you this long to come around. And honestly?” You take a breath, willing your voice not to crack. But it does. “I don’t know how I can get over the hurt if you’re not here. Every damn day you’re gone, it just makes me hate you more.”
“Um… I understand.”
You sigh, regretting telling Cassie all of that. “I still love you, Cass, and I don’t hate you, hate you.”
“Mhm,” she hums in acknowledgment, too scared to speak because she knows her voice will break.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting this tonight. Can we just shelf this for tomorrow? I’ll think more on it.”
“‘Kay.”
You draw in a shaky breath before asking, “are you okay, Cassie?”
“Mhm. Goodnight. See you tomorrow.”
“Good—”
But before you can finish, the line goes dead. Cassie disappearing once more.
You spent the next 24 hours stressed about your weekly call with Cassie. This one could potentially make or break your relationship, and it’s all in your hands.
Thankfully, you left work on time. But the last few minutes you spent chatting before you left, you had to endure pestering questions from your friends, namely Trinity. You had told her the rundown of what happened with you and Cassie last night, so now she’s invested in what happens next. She also just wants to make sure you’re okay, knowing that you often carry heavy feelings alone.
You stopped for food at your favorite fast food place before heading home. You scarfed down your quick meal, hungry from your taxing shift. As you ate, you anxiously watched the clock tick by, waiting for it to reach 8:00.
When it’s finally time for your call, your heart is beating out of your chest. You lean against the back of your chair at the dining table and bring a knee up to your chest. Both you and Cassie have been the first to call before, but tonight you wait for Cassie to call you since she’s so eager.
But a minute goes by with no call. You decide to call Cassie, hitting the phone icon. Anxiously, you tap your fingers on the table as you wait, absentmindedly bouncing the leg you have on the floor.
“Sorry, you’ve reached Cassie McKay. I can’t come to the phone right now…”
“Goddamit,” you mutter to yourself as you get Cassie’s voicemail. You hang up before the automatic message finishes.
Frustrated and annoyed, you stand up and stomp over to the living room. You pause in front of the couch and put your hands on your hips, aggressively tapping one foot.
“Fuck,” you yell at yourself in an angry whisper as you pick up your phone again.
You try and call Cassie again, biting your thumb fingernail as you wait to see if she answers. With each ring trilling through your ear, the pit in your stomach hardens, any hope you had slowly fading. Sure that you’re one or two rings away from getting her voicemail, you hang up and open your texts with Cassie.
You: fuck you cassie.
You: you wanted to talk so bad yesterday and now you’re not answering our weekly call?? the one time we have to talk to each other???? fuck. you.
After you press send, you turn your phone on do not disturb mode. Maybe your response was a bit dramatic, but it’s how you feel—angry and hurt.
Defeated, you go to your bedroom. Once there, you plug your phone, setting it on your nightstand for it to charge. You then pull out comfy clothes to sleep in and walk to the bathroom.
As soon as you enter, you turn the shower on. Like you’re in a rush, you strip. Maybe if you move fast enough, your brain won’t have time to think. Maybe, even if it’s just for a moment, you can forget her.
You shower quickly, then step out on the rug right beside the fiberglass. Shivering, you draw a bath, letting the warm water fill the tub. Once it’s almost halfway to the top, you get in, the steaming water instantly warming you. Comforting you.
You stay in the bath for a while, nearly drifting off after the water cools down. You take that as your queue to leave, wanting to collapse in your bed now. You drain the tub and stand, water dripping down your body. Speedily, you grab your towel and wrap it around your body.
You dry off quick, and immediately change into the clothes you brought—pajama shorts and an oversized t-shirt. Then you comb your hair, ridding it of any knots. You floss and brush your teeth next, almost ready for bed.
God, you can’t wait to sleep. As much as you try to suppress it, Cassie still flickers through your mind. Even when you’re unconscious though, she may find a way to creep into your brain, haunting you in your dreams because waking life isn’t enough.
You’re walking out of the bathroom into the hallway leading to your bedroom when you hear a noise. You still and listen. Five seconds later, you hear it again. This time you can tell it’s a knock.
Irritated, you walk to your front door. On your way, you glance at the microwave, knowing it’s late, but not how late. 9:57PM.
“Motherfuck…” you murmur under your breath when you hear the persistent knocking again.
Then it hits you. It’s probably Trinity, surprising you with food or something to cheer you up. It wouldn’t be the first time she showed up on your doorstep late at night with no warning. Earlier, Trinity even asked you what kind of candy you’re craving. Granted, she did the same with Dennis and Victoria, but maybe it’s because Trinity’s planning something with all of you. You’re grateful to have a friend like her, but it really ticks you off sometimes how persistent she is.
You unlock the door and begin to open it, then realizing you probably should’ve checked the peep hole to confirm it’s Trinity who’s at your door. But you’re already swinging it open, ready to lecture your friend about showing up at someone’s house late at night without telling them.
Sighing, you rub your eyes and tell her, “I don’t company right now, Trin…”
Your whole body tenses, frozen in place.
You blink a few times, scared your eyes are deceiving you. Your breathing picks up, your heart slamming out of your chest. The grip you have on the doorknob tightens. Your eyes burn, tears beginning to form without you even realizing it. You’re speechless and wide-eyed, your brain barely processing this.
Cassie’s at your door. Only a foot away from you. Her eyes looking into yours, searching and full of regret. Regret about not being here sooner. About leaving.
She speaks first, her voice alone feeling like a hug you so desperately needed.
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do you think cassie would avoid spending time alone with you at first? like that you’d make her nervous and maybe she felt embarrassed bc you made her feel a certain way and she was thinking you couldn’t feel the same
imagine that angst of thinking you’d done something wrong and feeling on edge for literally days. i think cassie would feel so guilty for it
🫰🏻
it's not like cassie to avoid you, not for a day and certainly not for days. everyone's joking how you're like a puppy following her around and vice versa. like bonded lovebirds, except... well, you're not lovers.
you keep going back to the last time you talked. did you say something that made her mad? did you do something? did you forget anything? it's driving you insane and yet you still don't have any answers.
you want to ask what's wrong but you stop texting her two days ago after reviewing your chat and realizing she only replies 1-2 words on your messages this past week. and when you try to approach her, she obviously goes the other way, always finding a route to avoid you.
you wish she would just tell you what you did wrong so you can fix it.
trinity quickly shoots you a glance and asks, "why are you pouting?"
"cassie is avoiding me." your pout turns sadder.
"why?"
you shrug. "dunno."
"why don't you ask her?"
"i've tried but she's really good at detouring, you know. i feel like i'm infectious or something."
"girl, if you don't ask her, i will. you look like a kicked puppy for days now."
"do it then."
"what?"
"ask her."
without hesitation, trinity stands and walks over to cassie. your eyes widen, cheeks flushed in embarrassment trying to catch up to her and explain that you were only joking but you know better that trinity santos never does what she's told especially when her mind is already into it.
"hey, mckay," trinity folds her arms. "got a sec?"
cassie's eyes snap up at santos then at you. "sure."
"y/n wants to ask a question." trinity grabs you by the arm and gently pushes you towards cassie.
cassie waits. you're suddenly parched and lost for words. trinity lets out a big sigh and leaves. god, how can two people be so frustratingly oblivious?
when you don't talk, cassie is about to go to one of her patients but you catch her hand quick. "wait," you call out.
she stops the second she feels your hand on her.
"i just... i want to ask what i did wrong," you murmur. your eyes are defeated, the usual light and joyfulness are missing because you terribly miss her. "why are you avoiding me?"
cassie takes a breath. she knows you deserve answers. she could make up lies and make you believe them to save whatever's left of your friendship but would that really be a friendship worth having? one based on lies?
she drags you into the nearest empty room, a storage closet just far enough from the chaos of the ED. you hear the lock click then cassie faces you.
"i'm sorry," cassie starts, tone sincere and apologetic. "i didn't want to ruin this."
"what this?"
"this," she gestures between both of you. "us. what we have."
"why would you ruin it?"
"because i haven't felt like this in a long time," cassie groans. "i don't think i ever have until you."
"cassie, for the love of god, what do you mean?!"
"i'm in love with you!" she blurts out.
for a second, you think the world stopped spinning. or you stopped breathing altogether.
"i'm in love with you," cassie repeats, a little softer this time. but she feels more free. "i didn't mean to. i tried so hard to fight it because you're my friend and you deserve better than me and all my baggage -"
"shut up," you whisper then crash your lips with hers. cassie's lips are soft and you're swiftly getting addicted to them, to her. she tastes like cherries and something distinctively cassie.
cassie's hand flies to your head, tenderly cradling your cheeks as she kisses back with reciprocated intensity.
for a moment, no words need to be said that your lips haven't already communicated with each other. in the soft light of the room, your eyes lock with cassie's now dark blues.
"i missed you," you say softly against her chest.
"i missed you too." she kisses the side of your head. "i was an idiot."
"you are," you agree, but a small smile cracks through. "but you're my idiot."
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it was the end of your shift, you were just grabbing your belongings from your locker, when you felt cassie’s presence.
she had hand on your hip, encouraging you to face her, the other settling on the side of your face before her lips pressed against yours.
you quickly freed one hand, pushing your sweater back into the bottom of your locker, so you could wrap around her and pull her body into yours. you felt her smile into the kiss before she pulled back slowly.
“wow,” you breathed. cassie’s hand remained on your hip, the other sliding down your arm. “what was that for?”
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