At the worst of nights, she skips the questioning to immediately presume she was never truly fit to lead - simply far too compliant of her own emotions; Far too selfish - far too stubborn - to forget and forgive from the pain she's felt and nearly lost all hope to time and time again. It was that kind of nonsense that was the undoing of a leader: somehow giving way to wishful thinking; losing conviction under agony; heeding only ambition at the expense of the rest.
Yes, she knew that under any other circumstances - under any normal circumstances - she would fare better. Without so much at stake or the dependence of lives she couldn't bear to lose; especially not with the fragility of her mind that stressed too much under this weight to not perhaps yearn that it would all simply end.
But these weren't normal circumstances, after all.
She wasn't suitable to take command. Not emotionally, not for this. But she remained the most apt among the girls to do so, and that was all it meant for her to keep those reigns and the responsibility of these lives, these loved ones, in a situation too overwhelming for any of them to handle.
At the loneliest moments, she was free to confirm to herself that she was merely and undeniably incapable without it being insisted otherwise by her team. She resented her own weakness and folly as much as she was upset by her own affections that left her helpless in the most inappropriate plights.
Most of all, she thought of how it had become some sick ruse, the way her only meaning for this mockery of a life was to struggle in desolate futility of this deplorable system. And she detested that they were all essentially nothing more than prey ensnared in a trap, wrestling by instinct with nothing to show for it.
She never liked to ponder on how these fruitless endeavours for the extreme aspiration of returning to living a simple, human life were the closest thing to meaning she had to carry. She couldn't possibly settle for anything less, but she knew their success in this could only, at best, be highly unlikely, and at worst, prove a lie that only expedited their descent.
It was nights like these she could feel herself debilitate further, when another failure would wear down on her like their previous attempts. And she could only ever blame herself for impelling everyone with her selfishness, for leading them down this downward spiral where they could only continue to dirty themselves in regret.
Saki could never forgive herself for it all, however much she only really wished to return to the serenity of her family that she witnessed being stolen with her loved ones far too many times.
