Rants of an Escort

Edited version

DO NOT REBLOG IF YOU’RE NOT A SEX WORKER

I did an Incall Routine a while back, I thought it would be time for this.

Before I get dressed, I put everything I need out on the bed:

Condoms. I take at least three condoms of every kind I have - I usually carry three sizes. You need different sizes of condoms for different sizes of penises. I also put those condoms in a little zippable pouch so they are easy to find in my bag and protected from anything pointy that’s also in there. 

Lube. Always.

Change of panties and a pair of tights.

Change of shoes if you’re wearing mean heels

Sweater or light jacket if you can fit them

Hairband and hairbrush if you have long hair, so you can put it up during a massage and fix it before you leave. 

Two different kinds of massage oil in a protective plastic bag, especially after you’re done the bottles will be messy.

Gum. For before and after (some clients literally leave a bad taste in your mouth, don’t they). 

Hygienic wipes/Wet wipes/both

Toys if you need them. 

Check that you have the following before you leave your apartment:

Phone

Enough cash to get there AND BACK!!!! (The client might be a no-show, you might wanna leave without getting paid etc.)

Keys

Hide your wallet and ID all the way at the bottom of your bag before you meet the guy if you need to take them. 

Research how long it will take you to get to the house/hotel via google maps route planner and leave a few minutes early if you can. If you are taking public transport, research the time tables there and for the way back. 

Personally, I always try to meet the guy in the lobby, then go up to the room, get the cash upfront, count it in the bathroom, take it out of the envelope and in a different place in my bag or stuff it all the way down the bag. Flush the toilet and run the tap to hide noises. Good hiding places for cash are cigarette packs (whether you smoke or not), small discreet inside pockets, and a small pouch full of so many tampons they hide the cash (most cis-men won’t rummage around in tampons).

Keep either your handbag or the client in sight at all times. I usually put it well away from the bed, cover it with my clothes and take out everything I need (lube, condoms, see above) before I get undressed. 

Keep all your important belongings in one place if you can. If you need to dash, you can just grab them and run. See above: putting your clothes OVER your handbag. Put the handbag on a chair for example and your shoes right next to it. 

Figure out where the clock is before the action gets started or set a discreet timer on your phone. Also works: letting the radio run, they usually have news or at least announce the time. Can be annoying and distracting though. Obviously it’s an option to take your own device and a docking station and set the mood with your own playlist that signals you the time! 

Make sure his laptop and phone are lying flat on a horizontal surface and that his laptop is closed. 

Go through your appointment as usual. Before you leave, do a quick sweep of the room to check that you didn’t forget anything and if you can, discreetly check if the cash and everything else valuable is still in place. 

Please add to this or comment on this if I am talking bullshit!

-If you can, book the apartment in someone else’s name, preferably a ‘partner’ type situation. Single females are sketch. Couples, not sketch. Also, if there’s something you missed (I once forgot a bottle of lube >__>) it’s perfectly normal for a couple to have left that there. A single girl on her own? She’s an escort.

-Have a good cover story that’s vague enough to be realistic. Why are you in town?

-NEVER, EVER EVER book an apartment with a doorman. Doormen talk. I’ve heard others talk about buying off doormen, but what makes you think they won’t just take your money and then talk anyway? I also avoid any apartment that says there’s “24 hour surveillance” or something like that, because surveillance means someone’s watching. I prefer buzzer apartments myself. 

-ALWAYS read the full listing on AirBnB, including reviews of the apartment, including reviews the host has for other apartments. Some things I look for:

Do any of the reviews mention the host wanting to show the apartment to other potential renters? Depending on where you live, the host can require that you let them show the apartment, but they have to give you notice, usually minimum 24 hours. Aw hell no.

Do the reviews mention sounds from the other apartments? If you can hear them, they can hear you.

See what the reviews say about access to parking or proximity to public transportation, for clients.

Think about the neighborhood: it’s not about what’s good for you, but what’s good for clients. You and I might both know that Harlem is an awesome, up-and-coming vibrant and safe neighborhood, but Daddy Warbucks doesn’t feel that way. 

In the summer months, look for air conditioning. It seems stupid, but not everyone has it. I made this mistake, once.

-Corporate vs. private. Some apartments are corporate-owned, and they usually have builder-basic/IKEA furniture and almost no decorations. Some apartments are actually owned by the people who live there. I’m conflicted about which is better: corporate means less risk to being outed because they don’t care as much about what goes on in their apartments, they tend to be dingier/dirtier, no one lives there, and they don’t interact with neighbors (who may mention the stream of men coming to your door), but on the same hand, every corporate apartment I’ve stayed in has been missing important things (like shower curtains) and they’ve wanted to show the apartment halfway through my stay. On the other hand, private apartments feel lived in, they’re usually more comfortable, but there’s a risk of the person being offended by what’s happening in THEIR apartment. YMMV.

-On AirBnB, they show you the general neighborhood, along with the street name. Check the photos against Google Street View to find the exact location. Check it out. Does it look as nice as its surroundings? What does the front entrance look like?

-After you’ve gotten the apartment, I always take photos right when I get in, since I know I’m going to rearrange certain things to be more appealing to my own aesthetic. You don’t want the host to come back to all their furniture in weird places.

-Since I only ever do longer stays, I check things out during normal “working” hours for me. I walk the halls, check out the front entrance, see what’s up. 

-When you’ve booked clients, walk them through getting into the building. The worst thing a client can do is look lost, ask someone, and get your ass noticed. Be unnoticeable. In my emails, I’ll say, “Buzz apartment whatever, the elevator is on your right, my apartment is at the end of the hall to your left.”

-I never, EVER use the host’s towels or sheets. The last fucking thing I need is something ruined. Use your own shit and bring a laundry bag. (I don’t go under the covers for my sessions, so I have a nice couple of thin bedspreads I use.) If the laundry machines are in the apartment, you can use them. If they’re in the hall, I’d just go to a laundromat, honestly.

Most importantly:

NOTHING IS EVER WRONG IN THE APARTMENT. In order to be invisible, you have to have a good reputation on AirBnB, and it’s reciprocal: if you give a host a good rec, they’ll leave you a good rec, and good reviews are your ticket to NOT being outed. Lightbulbs are out? “Apartment was great! Thanks!” No toilet paper? “Apartment was great, thanks!” If the host thinks ANYTHING suspicious, they’ll get irritated and leave something questionable in your reviews. You’re at their mercy. 

like i ignore them and dont respond but just seeing an irrelevant notification drives me nuts

partly cus it gets urbhopes up of a real inquiry

men are so annoying and love to waste our time by not keeping things conscise.

for ex just when you think the emails are done after a booking is set, they start to play 21 fucking questions

“so what do u like?

are u ok w this?

i read in ur reviews u do this but i dont do dat is that ok ?

can u tell me more abt yourself?”

i always ignore those but when they do that i just want to cancel the booking and sometimes i do. like shut the fuck up. u know what i like? your silence and distance until we meet.

“ I just don’t understand why you are 48 and you don’t have anything.” 

Definition: Why are you coming into my third world country with poverty? What’s  the whole point of me marrying an older unattractive man and leaving my family for? To be broke in another continent?