Escapisms

It’s come that time of the year to take stock of everything that has happened. It’s been an eventful year, and I must confess that stringing words together to form a post or even posting pretty photos in a sequence have taken a back seat.

It’s been a huge period of adjustment. Last year I spoke about major upheavals; at that point I was contemplating leaving the country and beginning life anew elsewhere. This did happen, in the middle of this year. Also, I went back to university and discovered that I enjoy working much more than I do studying, because of the independence that comes with earning your own money.

Emotional adjustments aside I’ve come to realise that at this age I contradict myself more and more: while I rather stay at home than go out clubbing/bar hopping, I also prefer the company of people rather than being alone. Perhaps it’s the company? Perhaps it’s the fact that I don’t think alcohol is worth spending money on, my days of drunken stumbling- coming home late at night and mornings of regret are far behind me. Over the hill of my twenties now, at this midpoint I wonder if this is the summit and it’s all downhill from here. But I digress - let’s get on with the songs.

Dull Aches - Malia

JANUARY: Mornings in Hong Kong, going to the local grocery stores and picking up breakfast supplies for a healthy breakfast. With S, I had a real time of rest and relaxation. S had plans to empower women in her country, and during this time I did some edits of her articles. We spoke a lot about self-development, self-esteem and also self-love - all flowers are equally beautiful, and each one has its season. Also, I discovered the virtues of face-masking, setting off a new obsession for the year: Fresh products.

Don’t dream it’s over - MYMP

FEBRUARY: The last of my gig songs for the year. Missing the rest of the crew from The Spare Rooms, J and I did a short set-list of songs, and we were supported by a couple of friends and quite a willing crowd. It was great fun and one of the memories I’ll cherish when looking back.

Location - Khalid, Slide - Calvin Harris, Redbone - Childish Gambino

MARCH: A new friendship set off a sequence of events. At this point in the year I had sunk into a routine of sleeping late and waking up early, then coming home after work to nap and catch up on the hours. Groggy, and disorientated, I would go for dinner then come back and lie around in bed. I started to dissociate myself from company of friends, preferring instead to immerse myself in work. I did not realise this at this point but later I found out that my insomnia might have been a symptom of a slight depression. At this point, really I was waiting to leave the country.

But V came along and changed things up, and I soon fell in with a new group of friends. And that was how I met H.

Get You, Japanese Denim- Daniel Caesar

APRIL- MAY: Lots of days spent having tea, coffee, talking in the car and sharing music. H and I just have so much in common that we fell into a very easy friendship. This turned into nights of texts and eventually, more than a friendship. Things were just so easy, so comfortable, and so natural with H. But that time was limited, and I was getting ready to get to another space to begin anew.

Daniel Caesar’s voice and music is what I think of when I think of late nights out with H, bonding over the silliest things: satay, tea, Paris.

Another Rainy Day - Corrine Bailey Rae

This song has a Side A and Side B. Side A is a rainy day, H and I are in the backseat, chilling. He just ran in the rain, and I have no towels to dry him off. We turn off the air con as it has gotten cold, and snuggle in the backseat.

Side B is me, alone on a rainy day in Melbourne. These happen fairly often but today it’s particularly grey and I have no desire to get out of my duvet. It’s also lonely in the big city - everyone has places to go and people to meet. Where do I fit in all this?

Love Galore - SZA, Tyrant - Jorja Smith, Rockets - Lion Babe

JUNE: Back to Europe. Mornings spent with the windows up because we need ventilation, but despite that we wake up with a sheen on sweat over our skin. It’s hot but it’s lovely and Europe is buzzing with life. There are cities to explore - Paris, Amsterdam and Copenhagen, each one as beautiful and as full of charm as the other. But really, Paris was not overrated for me - I found beauty in its little nooks and crannies and thoughtful interiors. The life of decadence was never far from the eye but the daily living of fresh produce, thrift shops from the markets allowed me to dream of a simple and romantic life.

There’s nothing like London too. But this time I feel like the city has grown and developed far beyond my understanding. While the streets stayed the same I just wanted to do the same things - the only new experience I had was an alcoholic afternoon tea tucked away in the back streets of Mayfair, and altogether intriguing experience. I crave the familiarity of the city, the tube system that I know well, but I also love how it’s ever-changing. I hope to go back again.

Cheapest Flight - Prep, Drew Barrymore - Sza

JULY: Flights everywhere and anywhere far between (in the middle of the year) but this one that is 7 hours away feels like eternity. As I sit on the plane I think about whether I’ve made a huge mistake in getting out of my comfort zone.

AUGUST- SEPTEMBER: I also wander around Melbourne on my own because I haven’t met many new people. In this I start to learn the grids of the city. It’s grey most days because of the tumultuous weather, but on the days it is sunny I find myself reaching for shades in the dead of winter, which is remarkable because you would never do that in London.

But like I said, there’s nothing like London.

But Melbourne is a city of its own, but I tire of the similar brunch menus and search for meaning in the grid-like city. I find that most of it is out of town but I really don’t have someone to explore it with. I need a car, if not, more public transport.

Gashina - Sunmi, As If It’s Your Last - Black Pink

An obligatory kpop plug - these songs were my most frequented ones when working out. The beat’s good, and catchy, and it distracts me from the motions of the workout I am doing - HIIT. For the first time in my life I start to find burpees easier to do, and side planks somewhat manageable.

Honey - Kehlani, Someone that You Love - Jarreau Vandal, Olivia Nelson

NOVEMBER: A moment of reconnection. I find a group of friends that meet Sundays and Thursdays, and things start to get more bearable. The end of exams signal a good time of rest, without worries about the Constitution and Interpretation. Instead, I manage to sign up for a pottery class, hopefully for an outlet in the coming months.

Instagram - Dean

DECEMBER: Is Instagram friend or foe? I find myself dissatisfied when I notice new trends which I have not yet acquired, destinations I have not seen with my own eyes, food I have not yet eaten. But then new opportunities come unexpectedly, throwing me into a tailspin. Dean’s song is a good one, a good food for thought.

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I can’t promise that this post will be nearly as interesting as my previous ones (dating back till 2011, what a milestone!) as this year was both significantly less eventful yet with somewhat major upheavals. Adult life, or working life where I’m at currently isn’t the most exciting, it’s mundane and filled with routine ‘early’ car rides back and forth from work and home, punctuated by a feeling of listlessness and a niggling sense that something’s missing. I think it’s that sense of wonder and exploration that comes with living in the big city, with the idea that possibilities abound behind every corner, rather than familiar and mundane, unchanging surroundings. But I digress, let’s get into this post.

2nd Exit - If You Wouldn’t Mind

A little mellow beat that makes me nostalgic for the mornings spent commuting on the London Underground. 

‘Been sitting here for like over four minutes now. Hello Jubilee Line, how’s your day? You’re ruining mine. I thought you were a newer design? Couple stops back you were just fine. So just fix up, if you wouldn’t mind.’ 

i burn the toast while reading old love letters

but the eggs are fine. to be sixteen,

when someone squeezes juice for you, perfects a

runny egg for you, spreads margarine

on toast for your convenience, leaves time

to idly ooze your prose across a page.

my sixteen self sopped up the sweetest lines

and sent back stacks of syrup-sogged precis,

but i’m still reading this over my brunch.

between being and becoming, there’s a place

familiar, pleasure in the mush

between the firm and flowing -- in the taste

of love soft-boiled, six minutes, surface-deep

I’ve travelled around to five countries in the past month in an attempt to fill this gaping hole that you left. To experience new things, to take in new things in place of insightful conversation, to see new sights with my own eyes rather than through yours. But somehow I’ve found that in the midst of this, you’re the person I think of sharing all this with when I’m sitting still and contemplating the past few weeks.

Distance has always been the thing between us. First, distances of oceans, second, distances measured by hours with one awake and the other asleep; wash, rinse and repeat. Third, the distances that can only be felt in the heart with silent conversation. It was dumb of me to try breach that distance. They say once bitten, twice shy, but sometimes you meet a person that makes you want to give it another shot even if it will hurt all over again.

You were that person to me. I don’t know where it all went wrong. I search through the what-ifs, I scroll through our conversations to pick through the words, thrifting for nuances of unsaid words. Did I miss anything? Pinpricks of annoyance, a lack of emoticons, short abrupt sentences punctuating holes into the screen. Conversations left hanging like washing to go stale, later addressed with ‘sorry’s’ and ‘maybe later.’ I sit still for moments and run through telephone conversations in my head, counting long pauses and breaths into the phone, tilting my perspectives to hopefully see things through your eyes. Humans are so unpredictable, try as I might, I’m no mind reader. I still can’t comprehend how it all fell apart in my hands. It was like walking along a garden path to fall off the edge of a cliff, I hadn’t noticed the abrupt change in scenery, too wrapped up in the reverie of our interactions.