great perhaps

1) because there is going to be conflict based on sin, we need to forgive sin and forbear strangeness, and sometimes you won’t even agree on which is which

2) because the hard, rugged work of forgiving and forbearing is what makes it possible for affections to flourish when they seem to have died

3) because God gets glory when two very different and very imperfect people forge a life of faithfulness in the furnace of affliction by relying n Christ

For husbands and wives to forbear and forgive, we need to be blown away by the fact that we are CHOSEN, SET APART and LOVED by God. Devote yourself to seeing and savouring this. Get your life, joy and hope from this.

From bowels of mercy to kindness. From humility to meekness. From Long-Suffering to forbearance and forgiveness.

Forbear or bear with -- endure, enduring each other

Forgive -- freely or graciously give. You not only don’t demand the payment but you “freely give” good for evil

Grace not only gives power to endure being sinned against, it also gives power to stop sinning. Grace is not just the power to return good for evil; it is also the power to do less evil -- even power to be less bothersome. Grace makes you want to change for the glory of Christ and for the joy of your spouse. And grace is the power to do it. 

Focus first on your need to change, not on hers or his. It may be that your spouse is sinning against you far more than you are against him or her, but you will not give an account for that to the Lord Jesus, You will give an account for your responses to it. 

These past few weeks have been quite a whirlwind. It conjured up lots of emotions I thought I had guarded myself against but somehow it slowly maneuvered its way into my life. More importantly, this whole episode made me marvel at God’s faithfulness over and over again.

It all started out when G confessed to me a month ago. That was the second time he put himself out there and I thought why not give him a chance and give myself a chance to consider the potential of us. Later did I know there were so many things we had to work through. The main reasons why I was very hesitant about dating him was because of the fact that he can’t lead me in Christ and I cannot be super sure of his relationship with God due to his absence from the church community/ bible reading/ praying for over 3 years.

On my birthday, 16th August. It was a Sunday and the plan was to go to the newly opened cat cafe at rail mall with my church mates (yonk, astrid, heather & aden) before popping in for Sunday service afterwards. The day started out with a lovely Macky D breakfast that Alicia ordered and then I had bible study with Phoebe. I haven’t read with her for about a month now and there are many things I had to update her about my life. In addition, she is my CGL and I see the value of being accountable to one another and I really want to share/ consult her regarding my feelings for G. Honestly, I already knew what she was going to say but at the same time, I had an inclination to hear it from her in person. After my conversation with her, I felt very confused and a sense of helplessness overcame me. I immediately texted G because I knew I had to speak to him about all of it. He assured me that he is opened for chatting and that really comforted me for the time being so I could sort out my day before spilling the beans. I realised I was fighting the tension of wanting to obey the Lord and wanting to fulfil the worldly desires of the heart. However, at the end of the day, I feel that it was what I needed to hear....I really respect both R&P and knowing how wise they are in approaching a God glorifying life, so thank Go I can sort out their wisdom/ assurance in this matter. P is absolutely right that if I love G as a brother-in-christ, then his salvation should be more important than tis short term desire of wanting to be in a relationship. 

I had the most marvellous day. Despite the initial hiccup at the cat cafe which has already been fully booked, we ended up at Chow Cute cafe (credits to Astrid because her cousin works there). We spent the whole afternoon there in the outdoor cafe with all the different mix of chow chows and I must say, it was rather therapeutic. I got to see my favourite Brownie (he is a mixed of chow chow and german shepherd)! He reminds me of Woofie very much and he has such an endearing temperament, it’s hard not to adore him. We even had our regular zoom service together and making that a part of my birthday was something I truly value. My highlight of this whole trip was when we drove back to the West and everyone was just singing worship songs in the car while we marvelled at the beauty of the setting sun. I couldn’t help but feel God showing off His wonderful creation and my heart was filled with His praises. I could really sense His presence and see His faithfulness that is as constant as the rising and setting sun. In those moments, I teared up quite a bit because I was immensely filled with so much unexplainable joy. To internalised the truth that God is love. My brothers and sisters in christ are so loved and love each other with Christ’s love. Why then soul do you seek the love from a partner? God has given me these friends that love me with Christ’s love, that should be enough?

After dinner, Yonk sent me home and before I got out of his car, I was prompted to share with him my troubles. The talk I had with P really burdened my heart and I don’t think I can resolve it alone. Praise God for sending the right person at the right time. After sharing with him, I broke down from the guilt of feeling like an awful person who said yes to G the night before and having second thoughts the very next day...I want to call it off but I did not want to hurt him. I’ve gotten his hopes up and now I have to let him down. What a mistake! A costly mistake because it will hurt someone I care for so much. I felt pretty shitty. That night was also the first time I saw how emotional or gentle Yonk could be. He was so patient in dealing with me and he prayed for us before and after this whole fuss. It was absolutely humbling to be seeking God’s help first and foremost in this desperate situation. 

After Yonk left, I knew I had to get through this or not I will not be able to sleep, so I called him up and asked to meet. It was such a relief to know that he felt the same about the situation. He knew immediately that he rushing into things the night before when he asked for an answer. He was very apologetic about it and we had the longest talk that lasted till 4 in the morning. In conclusion, we have decided that we shall not be dating till he has place God at the center of his life (i.e, fruitful prayer life, settled down in The Crossing, serving in ministry) and he is willing to wait on God’s timing for us. This really showed his maturity in handling our hearts and how serious he is about building his relationship first with Jesus. Both of us agreed that we got a sense of peace in this decision. It’s not because we are certain of what’s to come in the months or years ahead, if we ever end up together or not but to know that what we did pleases God, that in and of itself is good enough. 

Dear troubled soul, 

I am not sure if this fear was birth out from cabin fever or that I just have it all along but being stuck in Singapore just affirmed and highlighted that fact. It is just slowly eating me alive and manifesting like an infected wound. I feel it weighing on my heart and I hope by any means, pouring my dysfunctional thoughts here will somehow relief a part of it while the rest I will have to leave it to God. 

Ok first let’s define mediocre in amandaerchen’s wikipedia.com. Being mediocre is about having the exact same aspiration and journey as everybody else around me. I have so many Singaporean friends who are happily settled into life with their jobs and relationships. (I am happy for them but I think I won’t be happy if I were in their position. Perhaps because I have never been there and I do not think I want to either) It all seems so mediocre because everyone is chasing after the same life progression. It’s basically everything on the singaporean dream card (and more) (i.e. BTO, children, work, salary, and holiday) It is easy for a lot of Singaporeans to want to take this path as it is perceived as the ‘norm’. On the other hand, people who choose to pursue lives that deviate from this path can struggle with it both emotionally and financially. I think I am one of those who face this internal tension and feeling isolated/ burn out from swimming against the current. How wonderful it would be to be understood in a profound way by another human...but till then, I am pretty much on my own regarding this aspect.

Maybe because I have the millennial mindset of being a unique snowflake that cannot be like the others, so I just refuse to submit oneself to the society standards and feel ever so shackled down by that expectations. I am shocked that people do not question this system that we are literally born into and never thought of challenging it by tracking or even just exploring the road less travelled. Well actually I am not surprised anymore by all this, rather I would be more astonished if someone actually share the same sentiments as me.

Am I settling for what I have now (be it relationships, friendships, career) because I am being put in the circumstances? and not actually because I choose to be in it?

Am I really happy or am expected to be happy because the society says I’m fortunate to have what I have?

Am I just getting a job and wanting to get married for social security reasons?

The thing about living overseas is that you don’t need much to feel rich. It is just as simple as that. You can...

1. Buy a cheap bunch of fresh tulips/ daffodils from the grocery shop down the street to brighten up your day or someone else’s day

2. Get a cheap bottle of wine and some quality cheese without burning a hole in the pocket

3. Or pick up some wild flowers at the park for FREE

4. Sit out in the sun and lie on the grass without having bugs crawling all over you and the sun prickling your skin

5. Feed ducks and geese at the park without getting a fine (haha...)

6. Star gaze and be dazzled by the sheer amount of stars you have never ever seen before in your life

7. Camp in the wilderness where the next human is miles away

8. Take a long drive out, admire the views and hear the echos of the mountains on both sides

9. Take a road trip to the next town and be in another world for a few hours

My church has been going through Revelation for the past few months. Yesterday was the last sermon of the series and my pastor made an analogy that struck a cord in me. The ripples of its impact lasted long after I departed from the service. He depicted Christians as being in “a glorified transit lounge”.

There is no denial that many a times, we feel like we are in a lounge here on earth. The comfort we experience and the security we seek out from this world are so tangible and absolute that it feels like we are living in a first class lounge. We are easily led on by the glory of this world and be blinded by the luxuries it has to offer. We want this moment to linger on and assumed that it will last forever. This makes it extremely difficult for us to depart from the false assurance and leave behind everything for the flight ahead. 

As citizens of heaven, we are suppose to be tourist here on earth and where we are at now is merely a point of transit. A state of liminality. This is not our home.

So then why are we clinging on to everything here as if they are all or nothing? When the flight we are waiting for arrive, will we be willing to give up this seemingly concrete reality in order to get on board with Jesus? 

Modern loneliness We're never alone, but always depressed, yeah Love my friends to death But I never call and I never text, yeah

- Lauv

My jam for this season.

These lyrics prompted me to the idea that the meaning of a word can be perceived so differently in relation to time. Our understanding of loneliness in this modern world is not the same as that of our parents’ or grandparents’ era. Their understanding of loneliness was a lot more to do with physical isolation and lack of communication with other people of the wider community. However, times have changed. We are now more connected than any other generation before us and yet, the perpetuation of loneliness gets more distinctive and real. Even though we are never alone, we can still feel lonely and depressed. Some would reason this to the prevalence of social media and the FOMO effect but I have a rather niche way of recognising modern loneliness in my own circumstances.

In this season of figuring out a direction in life, I feel a stronger reality of loneliness. It is not due to physical confinement or lack of social interaction Covid. I truly enjoy solitude and being in my own thoughts. Yet as I ponder over this curious emotion that seems to surface now more frequently than before, I realized that it has to do with my detachment from my immediate social circle because of the differences in the way we envision our futures. This also made it much easier for me to pack up and leave my home country. It seems like my close friends here are in a stage of life that is completely different from mine... Once you hit the mid twenties, everyone around you is scrambling to settle down in a career, get married and work towards getting a Build-To-Order flat (BTO is a colloquial term for a particular type of housing that is a default choice for young married couples).  I detest conforming to a fixed path of living that most people deem ideal. It leads me to this intense sense of frustration as I watch them plough on without considering any alternatives.

As I analyze my current situation, I feel that it is all so isolating. Even if we are in the same country, there is still some sense of disconnection. The friends I met abroad are still in school studying masters and having other more important things preoccupying their minds than the devotion to stability. They can think outside the box, risk to pursue something they love to do and have a big picture of changing the world through public policy, education, and technology advancement. Interacting with them never fails to challenge me to be an anti-conformist in a very compliant society. The clash of outlook in life from those that surround me sets me apart from the society I live in and it creates a divide that keeps growing bigger every day. This is the very gap that reinforces my loneliness, but I guess that’s the price I have to pay for taking the road less travelled.

This book reinforces my love for dystopian novels. 

To begin, I wondered why its called The Chrysalids? I found my answers in a comment for this book on goodreads.com. “A chrysalis is a stage of development for an insect from one form to another, usually juvenile to adult. So I am guessing Chrysalid is a (invented) word that echos this process. This book is about changing states or evolution of species, predominantly human in this narrative. The constant changing of life and natural hierarchy. In nature nothing is static. Most of Wyndhams novels and short stories seem to flow with this in mind.”

This is a story about David Strorm, the telepathic protagonist and his telepathic friends. They live in a rural region called Labrador, and the district Waknuk is ruled by fascistic religious zealots. In this post apocalypse world the “Tribulation” (nuclear holocaust) has caused wide spread mutations among all life forms, and mutations of any kind are regarded as blasphemies and hateful in the sight of god. From a young age, David has been enculturated into a certain kind of thinking.

“Only the image of god is man. 

Keep pure the stock of the lord.

Blessed is the norm, and in the purity our salvation.

Watch thou for the mutant!

The norm is the will of god, reproduction is the only holy production, the devil is the father of deviation.”

---

Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, is quoted as saying "change is the only constant in life." I reckon this phrase is also the backbone of this novel. 

This idea was emphasised at the end of the novel when a Sealand woman was giving advised to David on his dilemma if he should forgive his puritan father or to kill him (because he was after them). She believed that his staunch thinking will not survive long in the world because they have fulfilled their ambition- they have nowhere more to go. “But life is change, that is how it differs from rocks, change is it’s very nature. Who, then, were the recent lords of creation, that they should expect to remain unchanged? The living form defies evolution at its peril; if it does not adapt, it will be broken. The idea of completed man is the supreme vanity: the finished image is a sacrilegious myth.” It is as if “they have become history without being aware of it” They are so determined on attaining the ultimate form and gaining stability that the only form granted to them would be ‘a place among the fossils...’. That stuck with me long after I finished those sentences. It is a futile entanglement to cling on to this ultimatum state of being. 

---

“well, every part of the definition is as important as any other; and if a child doesn’t come within it, then it isn’t human, and that means it doesn’t have a soul. It is not the image of God, it is an imitation, and in the imitations there is always mistake. Only God produces perfection, so although deviations may look like us in many ways, they cannot be really human. They are something quite different.”

This quote from the book challenged me to be more aware that just because a lot of people say a thing is so, doesn’t mean it actually is so. Nobody really knows what is the true image. Uncle Axel claimed that perhaps David and Rosalind could be closer to the true image than any of them because of their ability to communicate with one another over a long distance through thought-shape. 

It’s weird and astonishing how 1 month passes by so quickly. Today is one month since the day of mum leaving earth and reuniting with the Lord. 

I don’t ever want to forget the traits of mum that really made her my mum. She is a whole lot more complex than this but if I were to sum her up into 5 points, this will be it.

1)  life of the party

2)  quiet

3)  kind

4)  nurturing

5)  intelligent

She can be such a loud extrovert and the most amazing storyteller to all her students but at the same time, her favourite thing to do in life is really simple and quiet. She loves to sit down by the front pouch looking out onto the garden, with a book in her hands and a cup of coffee by her side. She hates loud music and absolutely loves the lingering quietness as she gets absorb into her little world. I suppose that is also why I love reading, she has inculcated that into our family when we were growing up. 

One of our favourite thing to do together is to visit museums. She is my museum buddy through and through. My best memories with her was the time when we spent three consecutive days exploring the Natural History Museum of London. My sisters always make fun of us for being such nerds and practically reading every single line in the exhibit descriptions. No doubt we took our time to comprehend all the information before us and admire all the artefacts of ancient time. It has been a massive source of inspiration that extended out into my daily creative life. I will remember how proud mum was of me because of my passionate interest in learning about history, culture and all kinds of artefacts. Unlike other kids that do not see the value of museums or would think it the most boring thing to do on a Saturday afternoon, I can tell that she never fail to beam with pride when she tells others about my niche enthusiasm. I just wish she could be here with me to enjoy more of our museum trips. 

I was talking to a friend about the haunting nostalgia that relentlessly made me yearn to go back to the good ol’ days in Durham. it sort of stole my joy of living in the presence and subtly making it my idol. I am still trying to shake it off but it is still a daily battle. My friend kindly pointed me to this part of The Weight of Glory that highlighted __ “These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers. “

“In speaking of this desire for our own far off country, which we find in ourselves even now, I feel a certain shyness. I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you—the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves; the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell, though we desire to do both. We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name. Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter. Wordsworth’s expedient was to identify it with certain moments in his own past. But all this is a cheat. If Wordsworth had gone back to those moments in the past, he would not have found the thing itself, but only the reminder of it; what he remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering. 

The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. 

These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers. 

For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.”

Yesterday it hit me again. This feeling of being inferior, especially in the presence of my eldest sister. Despite it being a small critical comment, I felt quite miserable afterwards. 

It started when my mum called us into the room to request for a diaper change because the sides of her diaper were cutting into her skin and she felt really uncomfortable. At first glance, I couldn’t quite figure out the problem because the diaper still looked a bit loose and my sister exclaimed that “oh you won’t know because you have never changed a diaper before...”. In my mind, that also implied that she has obviously changed many diapers in her lifetime now since being a mother of a 10 months old. While I have absolutely no clue... I would have argued that I was with mum and helping out most of the time when the nurses were changing her diaper in the hospital. Of course that has not occurred to her that I would have learned a thing or two from that. 

This year is filled with heartaches and breakthroughs.

A major milestone was to graduate with a 2:1 from Durham University. 

It’s tough having to say goodbye to the best years of my life. Moving on to adult life is also not the most welcoming when one is dreading to go back to Singapore. The expectations and goals I had when I first stepped into Hatfield were mostly unfulfilled. The dis-junction of coming back to Singapore has been a constant tension that I have to live with everyday and it can only be elevated by momentary distractions. Many a times I will still be overcome by the waves of nostalgia and flames of yearning in my heart that cannot be extinguished.

The greatest breakthrough was when mum received salvation and got baptized in Easter.   

Oh, what an ache wanting could be...

When I know that the wanting itself is good, right, even God-granted, but realise that now it is wisely God-denied and that He has not let me know all the wisdom of the denial. These words articulated by Jim Elliot in Shadow of the Almighty, described my current disposition better than anything.

This liminal state of waiting would be wise in God's sight and I trust His judgement over my own. I've asked the Lord to take those desires away from me if they are not from Him. I rather not yearn for any of it if they have nothing to do with Him or does not bring Him any glory.