leave me alone

When they were like the Thor in our head isn't the real thing. We know. And thanks gods. He has an extremely unpleasant job and I wouldn't wish that on the real one.

The kid parts of me are the worst parts of me.

I never felt big or important enough to get attention

If all rapists deserve to die don't I have like an obligation to kill myself?

At least I was right when I knew letting myself be seen and cared for would end badly. At least I know to never do it again.

Oh oh ok things are not good I can hear Julian wondering why we were left here and we weren't hon this is ours but. I wish we could sit with someone and let them distract us. So bad.

We probably abused our dad. Shit maybe we should kill ourselves.

I sometimes wish it was our parents bc it means our parents would know and care that it happened. I know that's fucked up. I'm sorry but I'm allowed to feel this way sometimes. I'm sorry tho.

I want what we went through to be valuable. Worth something. Worth at least looking at at least. Even if someone is just jerking off about it I want the attention for it. I need someone to give a fuck. I need someone to care it happened.

I just. I want someone to look at us and see the results of real trauma that can be worked through. With help and patience and understanding. And we wasted our one opportunity to have that. I think. Because if that is in the cards it would have happened more than once at this point. I'm tired of the only think I'm allowed to be when I cry and have flashbacks is broken and stupid. Why are you crying? There is no crying in baseball. Why did you flinch/get startled? Nothing happened. I don't remember ever hitting you so why are you scared? Why are you crying? go away. I'm tired. I'm tired I'm tired I want to just cry to someone about what happened. But my only fucking option is fucking. Creeps on reddit. The only people who care we were raped now are people who just want to jerk off to it. And shit at least that's better than having to deny we were abused at all. At least then someone sees us for how broken we are and we don't have to feign normalcy for like. A second.

On bad ptsd days I really wish we just had someone to talk about it all with but who the fuck even cares if it happened to us.

I think we are allowed to want it to have happened in a more believable or noticable way. I think that's fair.