there’s a class for this

when i was younger, i feel like i was so full of words to describe everything. i was so full of the excitement to write down my thoughts, journal my day, write poems about love and heartache. i look back and read the things i wrote and they move me deeply. i sit and i try to pull that energy and inspiration out and i simply can’t find it. i’ve started and deleted this 3 times. the words used to flow out of me so effortlessly. my feelings were begging to be spilled somewhere at all times. i know i’ve grown up, but i don’t want to, because is this what it comes with? being so busy focusing on surviving the real world that i can’t allow myself the time to sit and reflect on how i’m feeling?

i have such high expectations, but i always end up disappointed in the end. i literally tell people that my life motto is “expect nothing, and you’ll never be disappointed.” meanwhile, in the very depths of my heart, i care way too much and my expectations and hopes are through the roof. i think after a lifetime of self hatred, betrayal, and emotional neglect i crave a different emotion. i crave for things to get better. but i maintain the attitude that i expect nothing and need nothing from anyone. it’s a lie, but i maintain it nonetheless.

i miss being 19, cozied up in my big room in my parents house, getting high and laying on the floor with my best friends every night. laughing about shit until ridiculous hours of the night. randomly deciding to take trips to our favorite 24 hr restaurants at 1am because why not….most of the time, none of us had any pressing responsibilities to cater to. i miss being that carefree.