[She] was a natural born world shaker

I'm so tired. In so many ways.

We just booked a trip to California! 3 nights at Yosemite and 3 nights in Monterey over April break 🤩🤩🤩

I am in full on denial/distraction mode where I must be busy at every moment (don't come for me I have a therapist I'm Ross-Geller-I-made-fajitas FINE) but don't have physical energy to exercise, so I've been reading A LOT. D got me a book called Babylonia for Christmas and I LOVE it, but then I also got a notice from the library that my requested copy of Atmosphere was ready so I grabbed that and I am just alternating. Atmosphere is good but has a little too much dialogue for me (but I really love the past/present structure of the story.) Also we taught the girls how to play Uno and they *both* love it, so we've played 3 nights in a row. However, we're taking a mandated break tomorrow bc one round went over an hour tonight and we all wanted to get away from each other by the end 🤣 Also I went back to work today and I'm still feeling very blah and unmotivated about my job, but that was the case *before all of this* so...we'll see.

I thought the question "How are you doing?" was annoying at 9 months pregnant, but the rage it makes me feel today is next level. Especially from people who should know me well enough to know that I'm not going to want to talk about it. Just let me grieve quietly ffs.

Doesn't matter how many times I thought my mom was dying and how many times I've discussed this in therapy. This is the worst.

Mom passed away this afternoon. In the most *her* fashion possible - she waited until we had all stepped out of the room. It was the first time in days one of us hadn't been next to her - my aunt even spent last night at the hospice house with her. I had gone down the hall for a quick meeting with HR about FMLA; my dad had left 10 minutes before; and my aunt had gone home to shower and reset for a minute. My aunts partner was still in the room and realized she was no longer breathing. I'm glad I spent so much time with her the last few days, but I'll always wish I had said more when she was still conscious.

Mom was transferred to hospice tonight. I'm struggling a lot with the speed of her decline and the thought that we are just drugging her out of her mind during her last lucid hours; however, my aunt and ChatGPT both say the decline is due to disease progression. I'm trying to find comfort in that; it doesn't help that even while mostly unconscious today she seemed to be crying. I'm glad I gave her a long hug on Saturday.

Telling my kids their nana is dying was not an enjoyable experience. They handled it about how I expected, which is to say they are very sad. And Abby kept asking if she could catch cancer. This is the worst.

Being a working mom during the Christmas season while my own mother is dying is a level of burnt out I haven't experienced before. Trying to find joy when I'm grieving, trying to protect my kids from it (during the holidays), trying to find the energy to exist let alone hold everyone together is exhausting. I don't know if going back to work will provide me structure and thus focus, or will send me off the deep end.

Mom is going home.

My mother was stable, but has a massive infection that they cant fully treat while the tumor is present, which they can't address immediately due to risk of spreading the cancer. She has been out of the ICU for a few days but her white blood cells are still high and her hemoglobin keeps dropping. Shes not able to process and relay all the information accurately, and last night told my aunt that some doctor had talked to her about hospice. No other info given, and now my dad and aunt are there but not answering texts or calls. So...currently disassociating with Christmas baking and crime podcasts.