The Unforecasted Storm

There are infinite numbers between 1 and 10, even between 0 and 1. There's 0.1 and 0.12 and 0.112 and an infinite collections of others. Of course there are more numbers between 0 and 2 and a ton more numbers between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. There are days, many of them, where I resent the size of my infinity. I want more numbers in my infinity than I'm likely to get. More numbers now mean more numbers with you. Means a longer infinity. I'm so thankful for our infinity we have now and the infinity we have coming. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me forever in our so-far infinity, and I can't wait to love you for an infinity more.

It's not okay. I just can't let it go. It creeps into my mind and multiples rapidly. I want to shake it, So badly, But I Just Can't. How can we fix this if I can't let it go?

Even when I caught you, I gave you a 'free pass' to just be honest. And you still Still Chose To Lie. Not once, but three times. And I believed you. I believed every word. Even tho it sounded as stupid as it was. ... Now I'm just lost. Lost for words. Lost in emotions. Lost with thought. Chance after chance, Just turns out to be Lie after lie. I don't want that. I don't want to feel the need to question your every move. I don't want to have to go though your stuff. I just want honesty. Truth. Teamwork. And sex, Love making. How can I make love to someone that discussed me? How can you tell me you love me and go and do that? You even told her we just had sex before I had to go to work... So I didn't leave you satisfied? Have I always left you unfulfilled? You asked her to keep sending them, and if she was on cam.. Who knows what would have happened? You're right. Technically it not cheating. But you going behind my back and lying ... You're already there. It's the same factors just nothing physical. I feel sick. I havn't slept. I havn't eatten. I wish I didn't know. Ignorance is bliss right?

Get it yet? If you just tell me, Then things would be okay. Open. Honesty. As along as you fill me in 100% then we will be okay. We have to play as a team. You cant hide anything during a game. Just tell me things. Rob a bank? Murder a man? Just tell me And I’ll be your partner in crime. Don’t worry how it will affect me or how I’ll react because I promise, me finding out elsewhere, will be a lot worse.

23 August 2013 We so silly! Playing pool~

I guess you an say things are getting better, slowly. I have to just keep my mind busy... Which is impossible when work is dead and your crew is on their phones doing their own thing. Then my mind wonders, the trust issues and curiosity kicks in, And I can't help but to torture myself with thoughts from that day. And the same questions always bubble in my mind, What were you thinking? Why would you? What did I do? Didn't you know it was wrong? I have to let it be. I have to let you go off and I can't hold you back or question your actions or snoop through your belongings. I mean, I could do all those things, But that's not the relationship I want. I don't want to have to question your motives or intentions every second. Right now I am. And I'm trying with all my will to move past it. As I believe you are trying to show me your devotion and loyalty and commitment... I guess it will all just take time...

I've learned not think think positively but logically. 'Everyone happens for a reason.' Yet make sure you discover that reason. Ignorance is bliss, Knowledge is sanity.

Lately, I feel like I can't match up. Like I'm not good enough. As if, everyone could do better. My confidence is low And I honestly have no clue why. Right when I feel on top of the world again, or even just simply content, Something else comes like a little parasite in my mind, Feeding on thoughts, Nesting in emotion, And I can't seem to shake it. I've never been one to just close off, Fake a smile, Put on a show. Usually it's genuine bliss, True happiness. Now I'm drowning- I can't get my head above the water. Or maybe I'm dying from the thirst.

Why Why Why . I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this. You had full intentions of talking to her again until she fucked up and tried messaging you when you left your iPad at home. You complimented her in more than friendly way. You told her you were going to dinner, Didn’t mention you were going with your girlfriend you lived with, Didn’t bother to mention your girlfriend at all. So. If she hadn’t tried to video chat you while only I was home; would you have while I was working late? I know she’s states away, I know there’s no possible physically opportunity… So why? Why the fuck even bother? Why even message her? Why even compliment her? I can tell she drop dead gorgeous- So that’s it? She gave you attention I didn’t? People only scope out others while in a relationship with they’re not fulfilled.. What am I doing wrong? That fucking hurts. I know you’re sorry. I know you love me. What if I never saw that or said anything? What if you guys did end up talking again? Am I so easily replacement? So easily disposable?

Ugh I’m still so not use to you. How you are. How you treat me. It’s unreal. You’re so sweet. A guy like you couldn’t even exist in my dreams because you’re so much better than that. I noticed I put on a few pounds and you easily, no hesitation say that I look sexy. I’m just so use to working it off before I even put it on. I just it’s just old habits again. You’re so easy to talk to but it’s hard for me to try and say when I want something or think we should change something. I’m so use to just going with what is aide that’s how it should be and not making decisions cause I wasn’t allowed too. You’re so different. You want to hear my opinion and you want to know what I’m thinking. You’re too much. Not in a bad way. I’m just still not use to it..