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its like one of those system comics but text only :)👍🏻

we all know already that littles who like horror, or sex, or do drugs, aren't accepted. we know they're looked down on. & that's not okay! every system is different, & just cause that's something that would be unsafe for the littles in your system doesn't mean it's that way for everyone else.

but i've also noticed that littles that need help taking care of themself, littles who can't be online alone, littles that need help bathing, using the bathroom, & eating. littles that need out of the system caregivers. they aren't accepted either. but when i see people talking about littles that like mature things, i feel like they think dependant littles are accepted. maybe that's just me making assuming things.

um

in session to day therapist started tellig me abt the different ways systems can recover (functional multiplicity, integration, combo/etc) w/o me ever mentioning beig plural/a system specifically. refered to my issues using system terms. i got to introduce myself. it was scary. but umm

idk. i am jst Waitig for diagnosis now. ig. i'm Scared. ik i prolly don't Have To get a diagnosis but it will be helpful for gettig on disability so i am. doing it despite that. n i Don't think i can go thru therapy n accept my disorder until i get an official diagnosis after my eval. i already feel myself (or kodi specifically) tryna find a way out w/o it souring our reputation so uhh uh hh. yyeah

ughg

yaa

i care for people, but it's painful. i don't know if they will truly stay. i cannot allow myself to tell them i am attached. either way it hurts, but one way feels much less painful.

starez @ u

Help me settle a dilemma buddy/lh silly

So for me, right, because my idiot child brain couldn't really process what was happening to me, I fully hook-line-sinker believed the idea that my rapist was my Secret Boyfriend, and that we were swept up in this exciting second life -- like Batman and Robin, see. We had to keep it from everybody because people don't like when boys kiss, so shh, but hey even if I can't say it in front of others, you know I love you, right? And you know how boys show that they love each other...? Y'know, classic shit. You talk to ten male victims and I promise you at least three of 'em have this exact same story mate.

As a result, I have this obvious memory of a very intense, melodramatic, soap opera romance that never actually happened. There's two scripts and two realities to those events. Because that's the thing with being a child, your perceptions aren't actually at all realistic because you haven't been in the world long enough to know what's what. That is, in fact, why fucking kids is bad mate. That's the whole reason. Because they don't know what's goin on.

But then, as a victim after the fact, you're expected not to have any kind of lingering trauma from childhood, that is, that fits the emotional narratives of childhood. You're supposed to look back on everything and no longer feel the lingering emotions of trauma from your childhood perspective, as if it all happened while you had an adult mind. It is a paradox mate.

So, when I am talking to "kill your local pedophile" wannabe victims' rights fellas and disproportionately laides, they do not know how to handle that. They do not want to hear that shit.

They want to hear, yes I was violently raped and now I'm broken forever and I can never know love and it hurt the whole time and I was so sc sc sc scawed and if only a big strong man or perhaps some kind of Wonder Woman was able to kick the door down and shoot him with a gun and wipe the blood and brain matter from my crying face and tell me it'll all be OK. God if only Olivia Benson was real.

But that's just not how it is man. That's not the more complex, damaging emotional reality I and many dudes who were raped following this specific pattern are left with. And in fact, only ever being provided that one script makes everything strange and difficult.

I have met so many dudes who were absolutely raped as kids, but don't really believe that they were or have a thousand and one built-in justifications for why it wasn't "really" rape, because the violent rape narrative is the only one we are ever provided. A lot of men I've known really believe that if the adult man was nice to you and you liked him and you felt like you wanted what happened, it can't have been rape. Many many many men are stuck on this idea that their rapist really did love them, and in that they are permanently, perpetually re-victimised, in part because of the inability we have as a culture to actually understand and accommodate the various complex emotional realities of rape and victimhood.

It's like this: "why does she stay?" people failing to understand that shit is complex, man. Maybe she doesn't feel like she's being abused. Maybe she's basically been brainwashed into thinking having sex instead of getting beaten by her drunk boyfriend is a choice, and thus she's consenting. Maybe she's scared of other options and rationalising what she currently has with her evil boyfriend as better than the alternative, and shit dude, maybe it is better than the alternative. Instead, these people always come back with, "she must be an idiot who just doesn't understand her situation!" And so, the women stuck in these violent, rapey relationships insulate themselves, they reject the obviously misguided demands that they liberate themselves and reject the "offers of help" that sound like violent ultimatums, because no one is meeting them within their current emotional world. It's like that, but everybody is even less empathetic and more demanding because they're very much in their feelings, because everybody is in their feelings when discussing kids being hurt -- and struggling to reconcile you the adult, with you the kid who was hurt.

And sometimes, a certain danger comes into it, because there is a pervasive cultural narrative that affects all victims of CSA, but -- forgive me for saying this, I believe disproportionately affects queer male victims -- of "acquired pedophilia."

That is, this belief that boys who are raped by men become men that will rape boys, as per "homosexual recruitment" myths of the 1970s. And mate, that shit festers so dangerously within the reactionary, purely emotional "kill your local pedophile" contingent. Worse, because that kind of violent reactionary impulse is in every single discourse and movement about victims' rights and so on for male vics, they effectively make those spaces dangerous and challenging to navigate, 'cause there's always the possibility that you will be labelled a potential threat to children just for having some kind of real human traumatic hangover from the abuse. Thus, by attempting to involve themselves, these dweebs limit the actual real conversations that need to be had in order for dudes to start the process of real recovery. Instead they bunk down in the narratives they've told themselves and self-isolate because, with how loud these "kill your local pedophile" dorks are, it feels like there's no support for them out there -- and with how said dorks infest everything for victims, there often isn't real support available.

And don't "that's what a therapist is for" me because mate lemmie tell you from experience, therapists also do not know how to handle this kind of conversation. They likewise expect the Law & Order SVU script and not the more complex, difficult reality. The best they can do is tell you again and again "but it was bad!" as if you don't know that.