why do men have to share their lives with you, every traumatic event in their life and then ask you to back off when you want to talk. they took your time, asked you to listen, got you attached, got you hoping that when the time was right, they'd listen to you. but two days later, they no longer need you. you were a one night trauma relief and now you're a nobody. and suddenly when you try to address it, you're acting clingy and needy and you've lost some ego battle that you weren't aware you were fighting.

The worst feeling ever is someone keeping you on the fence about whether they want to talk to you or not. You'll find yourself checking your phone constantly, recording every single moment of your day to make it sound interesting to them. Hoping, just hoping that they'll want to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to them. And then you start thinking that they're avoiding you. And every conversation took place because you made it happen. And then they're online and you stare at the green dot, praying, begging that they'll text you. And suddenly you realize that no one ever wants to talk to you. And you're just always going to be that person.

Every few weeks, I find myself going from one app to another, trying to find someone. A conversation that will shake me to my core. Someone who'll talk to me about things that people don't have the depth to comprehend. And rarely do I ever find anyone and if there is a potential someone, I am aching in desperation to make the conversation last. But, the next day, the person has moved on. The 3AM conversation never happened. And I am still replaying every emotion I felt at every text that I received from them. And a few weeks later, I'll be back, trying to find another someone. Relieve me from this endless cycle of deliberate heartache.