The Chancellor recounted the story of the lengths that civil servants and contractors who maintain the building under a PFI deal had to go to merely to encourage some ducks from a fountain in a Treasury courtyard.
At one point, highlighting the absurdities and bureaucracy of PFI contracts, he told how the “Exchequer Partnerships Operative" declared that he would not be removing the ducks, as “we are responsible for the guano only".
He told a lunch organised in Westminster by the Parliamentary Press Gallery how eight years ago under Labour “two ducks landed in the fountain and did what ducks do and there were suddenly nine ducklings”.
He added: “A whole team of PFI contractors, civil servants and the RSPCA were called in to remove them and take them to Surrey for some reason.”
Joking that the Coalition was vastly more efficient, he told of another example of ducks in the Treasury fountain, reading out entries from the department’s log book from 20 June last year.
Reading from the entry, Mr Osborne said: “20/06/2012 09.02 Request Created: Ducks in the courtyard garden. Request presence of operative. 09.22 Request Attended: Operative attending incident.
“10.11 I attended area and confirmed this is a male and female duck. Issued [sic] has been discussed previously with RSPCA, they won’t attend the building for ducks, and I called Royal Parks but they also won’t come remove the ducks as it may cause injury to the duck and people in this area.
“They have advised us to put signs requesting that people do not feed the ducks, and also to frighten them frequently so they don’t feel comfortable here, they should then leave of their own accord. Advised seniors of the above.”
The log continued: “10:40 Please ignore previous. Have been advised that signs should not be put up yet without permission, and that the birds should not be frightened - we are responsible for guano only, not removing the birds. Awaiting further instructions.
“13:10 Have been advised that previous instances required the ducks to be caught and removed as there is insufficient space in the courtyard for ducks to take off. Message left for operative to contact the Help Desk.”
Mr Osborne said that the log then went silent for the rest of the day, until an entry the following day, June 21, at 9am, saying simply: “21/06/2012 - 09.00 No ducks in the pond and disturbed all the bushes. No ducks present. Seems they have left on their own.”
To laughter, Mr Osborne added: “That, ladies and gentlemen, is how your money is well spent.”
I had lunch with the Chancellor yesterday and can exclusively reveal he does not eat only burgers. Well, maybe not that exclusively in that there were 92 other journalists there at a press gallery lunch to watch George Osborne munch poached salmon and baby leeks, washed down with a small glass of white wine.
I know you think that he would mostly talk about the economy. Wrong. The main topic was ducks. Yes, as in quack quack. But first, back to food. George says the press got it wrong about the posh Byron burger he was photographed with on the eve of the Comprehensive Spending Review.
“They obviously thought that I ordered it from Byron because Byron delivers, when in fact it was because McDonald’s had run out of McLobster!”
All of us crustaceans loved that. But it is because of his McLobster habit — he had one last week on his way back from Nottingham — that he has to run round St James’s Park every morning, looking portly and frightening people.
“It’s all right for you to laugh,” he said yesterday, “but it’s hard work being Oliver Letwin’s correspondent secretary!”
After his run, he says, he heads over to the Treasury where he is soothed by the gentle lapping of water in the courtyard water feature, part of the Labour Government’s £1 billion refurbishment of the building. George never tires of reminding us how wasteful Gordo was. He told us (again) how Labour had spent £800 on a Christmas tree while George makes do with a few dead twigs.
This brought George to the duck story, which I have adapted slightly for Hollywood. Once upon a time, eight years ago, two ducks landed in Gordo’s wildly expensive fountain. The ducks fell in love (it’s a fairytale) and had nine ducklings. Then a whole team of PFI contractors, civil servants and the RSPCA were called in to remove them and take them to Surrey.
The ducks lived happily ever after. Or so everyone thought. But then, on June 20, 2012, the coalition was faced with its own waterbird incident. Could they do better than wasteful Labour?
George read out the Treasury Facilities Management help-desk logbook incident No 177853 from that day:
9.02am. Ducks in courtyard garden.
9.22am. Operative attending.
10.11am. Operative report: I attended the area and confirm this is a male and female duck. Issue has been discussed previously with RSPCA: they won’t attend the building any more for ducks. I called the Royal Parks but they also won’t remove the ducks because it may cause injury to ducks — and people. They have advised us to put out signs requesting that people not feed the ducks and also to frighten them so they are uncomfortable here. (Something, Mr O noted, the Treasury was good at.) They should then leave of their own accord.
10.40am. Please ignore previous. Have been advised that signs should not be put up without permission and that the birds should not be frightened. We are responsible for the guano only — not removing the birds.
1.10pm. Have been advised that previous instances required the ducks to be caught and removed as there is insufficient space in the courtyard for ducks to take off. Message left for operative to contact the help desk.
9am, next day. No ducks present. It seems they left on their own.
George paused. “And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how your money is being spent!” Duck soup, indeed. Quack. Quack.
