wish i wouldn't take some stuff personally. stg i'd rather spend my entire life on a desert island with no access to internet instead of hurting myself voluntarily. at 25 it feels like if everything would be pointless. nothing makes me happy anymore? i just feel that i wasted the nicest years of my life by making stupid and so wrong decisions that it feels like if i'd be literally bound to be alone for the rest of my life. and at this point i just don't understand why i didn't start to take drugs (maybe because i'm a piece of shit that's why?). sometimes it just hurts so much you wouldn't believe it. and honestly i don't think someone will understand this. people are suddenly so distant being happily in love and i just can't comprehend how has everything happened so fast. it feels like the beginning of estrangement, no desire to share is also the beginning of dispersion. but you know what? sometimes i'm surprised how quickly can tables turn. how all of a sudden you feel so disconnected from the closest ones due to them having a lover. time passes and everyone's changing. that's how it goes. and all you can see is how they're happy. wishing them well, but wanting to be in their shoes too. and then you just give up. you're not them and you don't have so many chances to be that many times in love and experience different stories. of course you have to nurture other things in life to eventually get there, too, they say. that's what i think as well. i managed to do that, once. i got there. but it was painful in the end and i wish it could've been different. but then again, you just lose your hope completely for everything else that can come into your way in the future. you're seen as one of million others anyway. you're dreaming about enjoying precious times, spoiling your significant other, you're reading about people having their hoe phases and you still end up being alone in the room just dreaming about it. and the older you get, the worse it will be. and there's nothing else but tears in my eyes. i feel desperate. i'm supposed to be happy now. being in love and being happy? i wish. but. what for?