a heaven without you must be like hell

your heart aches. pretend to sleep? when you really dozed off earlier after a tiring day?

“i really fell asleep earlier, mom.. i was tired.. what are you saying?” you ask with full of confusion and pain.

“don't act dumb. i know you're trying to run away from your responsibility as the eldest daughter! and you're trying to use that “feeling tired after hanging out with that guy” reason?” she asks with full of anger and sarcasm. “you're such a useless daughter! you've unemployed and always in those depressive shit episodes of yours! literally toughen up and fight it! it won't help you if you keep sitting there, scrolling through your phone and texting with some men.”

now, your heart is breaking into a million pieces — as if it can't be fixed anymore.

you stare at your mom with confusion and hurt in your eyes. you did your chores as the eldest daughter and as the eldest sister. you've unemployed because you've just finished your degree certificate and are waiting for your graduation day. after all, it's hard to find a job since most of the jobs that you want and align with your major require a higher than degree certificate. so, you keep trying to earn money by searching for small jobs on social media, but still haven't found any.

you also did your chores while she's gone to work. washing dishes, sweeping the floor, washing and drying dirty clothes, and even taking care of your cats, which require some energy most of the time.

and today is the only day you can hang out with your boyfriend, well, monthly hangout — since it's the weekend and the only free day without a schedule for you.

and that's why what your mom said to you hurt you very badly. i mean, who wouldn't feel hurt, right?

“go to your room. seeing your face makes me feel like i'm going to blow out soon,” your mom said coldly with a hint of slight annoyance in her tone.

you immediately get up and take your handbag while holding your tears. you swallow the lump in your throat before exhaling shakily. “i bought a gift for you and the others. heeseung also bought something for you. it's on the dining table,” you say before heading towards your room.

heeseung walks out from the bathroom towards his bedroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist and a towel on his head before he dries his hair with the towel.

he sits on his bed and immediately lets out a long exhale after resting his upper body against the headboard. he takes his phone from the bedside table and turns on the screen, revealing a photostrap wallpaper of him and you that he took earlier at the photo booth.

one photo of him making a ribbon pose on top of your head, and you squishing his cheeks with your palm, making him pout and you smiling widely.

a second photo of them wearing silly props — him wearing a flower sunglasses and a fake black mustache, pretending to be cool and you wearing a tiara and holding a diamond wand, poking the edge of the wand at his button nose while making a cool expression.

third photo of them, now without any props, with him wrapping his arms around your waist and your arms loosely wrapped around his neck. you're looking at him like he's the love of your life while tilting your head slightly and smiling full of love. while heeseung looking at you like you're his whole universe, someone who he won't trade for anything in this world. his smile? well, let's say the smile on his face was very endearing and full of love too, but dreamily. yeah.. a dream to make you officially his.

heeseung grins like a loverboy when he looks at the wallpaper. “she's so beautiful.. how am i so lucky to have her as mine?” he mutters to himself.

he's still drying his hair and when he feels like it's not too damp for him, he puts the towel on the bedside table and lies down for a moment before he wears his pajamas and puts the towel that he used to dry his hair on the towel rack.

heeseung closes his eyes and lets out an exhale, finally feeling rested after today.

but not so long after, you call him and he immediately answers it because the ringtone that he sets for your contact is different from others.

he clears his throat and puts the phone on his ear. “babe? hello?” he asks with a hidden excitement in his voice.

don't get him wrong. of course he's already spent all day with his girlfriend today but his day isn't complete without her calls even if it's just listening to her breathing. he attached to her.

not that you mind though, with listening to his breathing through the phone, it somehow calms your mind from being loud and it's easier for you to fall asleep because the only thing you're focused on is, his breathing… also his mumbling and how he dreams of eating ramen but again, not that you mind.

heeseung waited for you to answer but when he didn't hear anything, he immediately frowned.

something is wrong. he thought to himself.

“(y/n)? you okay, angel?” he asks in full of concern. and after being silent for so long, that's when he heard something he really doesn't want to hear from her.

her cries. her silent cries.

only sniffles can be heard and silent sobs that sound like it would burst sooner or later.

heeseung immediately sits up on his bed and try to pinpoint what's going on.

you were fine all day but why are you crying tonight?

“can.. can i please see your face, heeseung? p-please..” you say between your sniffles on the other line.

heeseung immediately agreed. “yeah.. yeah sure.. i will turn on the video call, okay?” 

once he's got confirmation from you, he fixes his hair and switches the voice call to the video call.

and he thought hearing his girlfriend's silent cries already hurt him. but seeing her tears streaked face with red puffy eyes and how she hugged the cat plushie that he gave as her birthday gift tightly on her chest.

his heart aches two times than before, like a brick just smashed his heart.

you tried to hold it in by yourself, not wanting to burden heeseung anymore. you've really tried.

but your mother's words keep repeating in your head like it won't stop and that makes your heart aching even more.

you've tried to hold yourself to call him, thinking he must be tired after a very long day with you at the amusement park.

but here you are, have a video call with him while hugging your plushie that he gave you on your birthday and looking at his face that full of worry and hurt.

“oh, amor.. what makes you cry?” he asks softly with his eyebrows furrow slightly.

you hiccup and bring the plushie close to your mouth, muffling your quiet sobs.

heeseung keeps staring at you through the screen before he finally connects the dots.

“is it your mom again? hm?” he said after a long thought. you nod slowly, making him sigh slightly.

truthfully, he didn't understand at first why on earth a mother could do that to her own child. that's because he lives in a family where there's no such heavy conflicts between them. his mother never downgrades him and understands him very well. the same goes to his father and his brother. sometimes they argue and sometimes there's a misunderstanding, they immediately talk it out or his brother would ask him to play basketball together.

but, your family? it was his first time hearing the heavy conflicts and how messed up some families are. at first, he was a bit judgmental because there's no such thing as a messed up family, right? in his life, he's surrounded with nothing but love. so, when he finally realises there's a family that has their way to bond, he starts to accept that there are families that aren't like his family. but your family? that makes his jaw drop.

you as an eldest daughter and the eldest sister for six younger siblings; three younger sisters and three younger brothers. you raise your younger siblings as a second parent since your mom provides for all of her children, including you. she's a businesswoman, a rich one but of course with your father who does nothing in the household adds a burden to your mom, and you.

heeseung didn't understand why your father is not like his father at first. his father would always be there for him, and he thought a father should treat the daughter better.

but for you, your father is your first heartbreak.

he's not always at home, doing only God knows what he's doing. at home, he's either sleeping, eating, or playing on the phone. when something is not going on his way, he would be damn furious even if it's just the smallest thing. never give love to you and never provide for your family.

he now understands why you told him you easily get attached to a man when they just show slight interest. no validation from your own father.

he now understands why your mother is always on edge. she's the only provider in the house.

but he still thinks it's unreasonable to lash out at the children when the husband is the problem.

“tell me about it, baby.” he said softly as you burst into tears even more, but still holding onto your sobs.

heeseung stares at you on the screen as he finishes listening to your stories. he frowns sadly as he stares at you.

he understands both sides actually. your mom is probably tired of being the only provider. you're also exhausted from being the eldest daughter and a second parent.

you hiccup slightly before you wipe your tears, “i’m sorry for ruining your night, heeseung-”

“amor.. hey.. i told you before, right? you don’t have to apologize..” he cuts off gently.

he was right, he told you before — not to apologize if you ever want to tell him anything. he wants to hear it. he wants to be someone you can rely on after so long.

“well, baby.. you know you’ve been such a strong girl. i mean, carrying the whole responsibility at your age? hell, it makes me feel like i want to kneel in front of you and worship the floor you walk on, darling.”

he can feel his heart bloom again when he hears you giggling behind the plushie when he says that, and the way he can see your eyes wrinkle when you giggle.

oh, the way that man swears he wants to see that smile and that eyes wrinkle in happiness again and again and again.

“you always know what silly things to say,” you say with your voice still wobbly due to crying but there’s a hint of smile in your voice.

well, heeseung takes that as a compliment and a sign to continue.

“i shall not let my queen let down her tears from thee majestic eyes, soaking thee breathtaking cheeks with thee salty tears.” he said with a mock serious tone and mimics how people in victorian era talked.

and because of that, you let out a laugh behind the plushie that covered your lower face. your cheekbones rise in joy, and your eyes crinkle in happiness. “lee heeseung!” you playfully scold him while giggling.

heeseung stares through the screen with adoration and love. he doesn’t want to let the sound of your laughter disappear from you. he wants to protect your laughter and happiness from everything.

he wants the joy always in you and never let the sadness control you always.

“don’t ever let these kind of things ruin your laughter, baby,” he starts gently, referring to your problem with your family, “especially when i’m the reason you laugh — even from how silly i am.” he says while staring at you through the screen, making you stop laughing because the way he looks at you with full of love and adoration in his eyes — making you feel loved.

“i promise, baby.. once you’re ready, sorting things out, planning well, i’m going to propose you and we can live together — far from everyone that ever hurts you, everyone who makes you sad and questioning yourself, everyone who makes you carry the heavy burden since you were young. okay?” he says with gentleness in his voice and a silent vow for him to make sure you can escape from the hellish place that looks like a heaven from the outside.

“and i will be the best husband for you. if you ever feel i do something wrong, we can sit down together, eat cookies, and sort things out, yeah? if you ever feel you do something wrong, reach out to me and make sure to tell me the truth, even how bad it is.”

“even i break your Nintendo Switch?”

“even you break my Nintendo– oh! not that one! i’m going to crash out.” you laugh while covering your face with your plushie.

you know very well how he cherishes his gaming consoles, keyboards, and his Nintendo Switch. and ramen, obviously.

but you also know he didn’t mean like that. yes, he would probably going to crash out if his Nintendo Switch broke — but he won’t get too worked up and yell at you. maybe he’s going to nag and being sulky all day.

and heeseung knows you knew he didn’t mean it in an aggressive way. that’s how much you trusted him.

and he vowed not to break the trust. never.

“but seriously, baby. i promise, okay? i will work harder and harder, earn money to provide you and help you with your mental health problems. we can go to the therapy together since i know you really want to ask for help from professional but with these circumstances around you, you can’t ask for help without people judging you.” he says while staring into your eyes through the screen. his words make you emotional ‘cause he was right — it’s so hard to ask for help in these surroundings.

your eyes start to get teary again — before he said something that made your tears going up again.

“and we can going crazy at the arcade and eat ramen all day.” he says before he shrugs his shoulders as if that’s the normal thing. for him.

you chuckle while sniffling and wipe your tears with your plushie. “you’re so annoying sometimes. we could get sick and be on the deathbed if we eat ramen all day, baby~” you say with those whiny yet playfully scold him tone.

“well, we could be Romeo and Juliet but in modern days.” he has that lazy smirk on his face after saying that as if he dropped something flirty that makes your heartbeat thumps loudly.

it is, but at the same time, it’s not for you.

you wheeze for a moment before you laugh. “why are you like this, baby~?” he giggles along when he hears your laugh through the screen.

heeseung stares at his phone screen as he sees you start to feel sleepy after your emotional breakdown and maybe from how much you laugh. he brings his thumb close to his phone screen as he looks at you with full of love in his screen. his thumb hovers his phone screen before he makes a caressing gesture.

“heeseung..?” you call him softly yet sleepily. “yes, my love?” he replies with softness in his voice, like he’s afraid his voice would jolt you from your sleepy state.

“you really promise you will do that if we ever get married, right?” he stares at the screen into your sleepy eyes.

at first, he questioned himself if he wasn’t sincere and genuine enough, but then he remembers — your father broke his promises to be a good father.

he finally come back from his sense before he let out a soft whisper, “i promise, my darling. i promise you will get your happy life.”

he shifts himself on his bed, laying down on his right side, hand underneath the pillow, his right side of his cheek squish slightly on the pillow, other hand holds the phone steadily in front of him. “but,  i also promise — there’s no rush for you, okay? we can take it slow and do it without any pressure.”

you smile sleepily before you nod slowly. “mhm.. no pressure,” you say before you close your eyes. heeseung sees that as a sign you’re going to enter your dreamland. with that, he starts to hum a soothing tune, keeping his voice low and soft.

after some time, he can see your breathing is steady and how your face looks so peaceful in the sleep, as if your mother didn’t hurt you verbally earlier and how you cried your heart out.

he smiles to himself as he feels lots of emotions in one time — feeling grateful he could call you his, feeling sad how you face this burden as the eldest in your siblings for so long, feeling the determination to make you his wife; and feeling the overwhelm in his heart of how much he loves you.

“i love you, my darling. i love you so much. please stay strong for me. i promise we can get our own flower path.” he says to you who’s already sleeping peacefully and to himself as a vow.

and little does he know, you heard his words one by one in your sleep, making you smile slightly as if the words were from your dream. you don’t need to be at home to feel at home.

heeseung himself makes you feel like you’re home — a warm, peaceful home.

⋆༺𓆩❝ a reverie by enreveria ❞𓆪༻⋆