Between A Fountain Pen And A Keyboard

I don’t even know what was I thinking about - everything and nothing all at once. I felt so grownup at the party, everyone was all over the place playing beer pong, and probably the seventeen years old me would have felt so accomplished. But the twenty-six years old version wasn’t. So I came back home thinking that I don’t have so many friends, but I can definitely count on the ones I have. The ones that talk and listen to me endlessly, that always underline my successes and speak of me as if I were special.

The last three weeks have been so hard at work, sometimes I feel like I’m stuck there and I can’t go on with everything that I want to achieve.

It’s a Saturday night and I’m alone, in my bed, somehow waiting for Monday to come, but at the same time wishing that it never arrives.

This is something that really bothers me: for as much as I don’t like radical changes, I still aim to feel different. In the last few months I travelled to Rome, I officially became a psychologist, I started again to play the piano.

It’s left handers day today, and I always dedicate it to my late grandfather.

I am the only left handed one in the entire family, and he was always so fascinated by the way I do things, and how I write.

He was the one that always, always, made me feel special about it, and I felt his eyes on me every move I made.

So today I think about him, about how he would feel if I could see all my notes, all the small letters and schemes I make.

The two moods of holidays: reading by the lake and playing cards under the sun.

Since last week I’m trying not to push myself into the old routine of work and study without break, but the weather is less hot (kind of, sort of) and I’m enjoying studying a bit more.

I still have to figure out a way to revise everything for the exam - I don’t have much time, and I want to optimise every effort.

My mood is really good these days, I feel strong, for the first time in a while, so that’s good and refreshing. Mainly because I still have lots to do before August, and today my boss gave me so many compliments for the work I did (ahem, I’m doing) for the client. I came home really proud of myself.

It’s been hard to keep up with everything I left behind last week, now I feel tired and satisfied: lately at work I feel so powerful and strong, I finally get to do what I like and I even get to be included in the office gossip.

So tonight I’m kind of not in the mood for studying. This morning I got to participate to a meeting with the board committee, and I feel less anxious about the exam. I think I can take a night kind of off - I’ve studied until now, so I can be off duty now.

In the picture: my hair, looking kind of pink-ish kind of red-ish because of the screen light. Right behind the phone, there’s me, considering a pink dye for the summer.

I spent the entirety of this week sleeping, watching tv and spending time with my parents. I definitely feel better now, I’m impatient to go back to work and finding a more balanced study routine. I felt so loved, during these days, everyone from the office wrote me a sweet message, my friends kept me company, my parents brought me sunflowers from my father’s garden.

I’m a bit worried that starting again everything will be overwhelming, but that’s Monday’s problem. For today I get to feel loved and cuddled.

In pictures: the place I went to on Saturday night, it was near the lake, right on an old railway, so we got to see trains passing underneath us. On the right, my parents’ sunflowers.

The best thing about revising my entire academic studies is finding old notes and trying to catch the differences. On the left, some notes I took during lessons, on the right a recent case study.

Today was intense: at work I finally got time to do some researches and to contact a few potential applicants, I had a call with the client but I finally sent them some of the material.

Tonight, after three long but productive hours of study, I cried listening to a song I’ve never heard before. It hit me: I’m taking a huge step in my personal and professional life, I’m seriously doing my best at work and at home.

So I cried. I got my legs up on the desk, I turned the lights off -except for my pink salt lamp, and I focused on the music. It was a cathartic moment, I got to feel everything.

Sometimes I dream about new ways to study efficiently. A few years ago I dreamt of a colour coded system I still use, and last light I got the idea of putting the articles of the Code of Conduct on the wall. These are the first 21 articles, and I like the idea of having them right next to me.

New study systems make me excited to concentrate more, and that’s why it’s past midnight and I’m still awake - even if tomorrow is a work day.

Today at work I had to participate to the planning of a follow up intervention for one of my team's biggest clients (the one, the client that made me revise all of my statistics notes and cry so many times I lost count) - by doing so, I really got to put everything I'm studying during these nights in practice. Even if most of the time I'm anxious thinking about all the work I have to do for them, I realized how important this experience is for my educational path. In those moments I felt like a psychologist and, for a few moments, I really believed that I could be one soon.