Kite without A String

Happy birthday to me!  I'm 29 now.

Happy birthday to me!  I'm 28 now.

I sometimes forget that music can change your mood, your whole outlook about life.  Music helped me smile inside before I learned how to smile on the outside. 

Happy birthday to me!  I'm 27 now.

I haven’t thought about this that much, but suddenly the thought occurred to me.  Age doesn’t make you wiser.  Some people who grow up and become “adults” and eventually “old people” are still little shits.  Grow up a racist and still a racist, then you’re not wiser cause you’re still a fuck.  Now, we’re all a little racist in that we use stereotypes and have preconceived ideas about other people.  When I say racists, I’m talking about those narrow-minded fuckers with short-sighted blinders who have no ability to change their views and opinions.  Doesn’t only apply to racists, but easiest example to use.  It’s like growing up and still believing the world is flat, the Sun revolves around us, the Earth is 6000 years old or some shit, or vaccines are bad for us.  That’s just being a dumb, non-critical thinking person.  And especially detrimental to the progress of humans when they shove that shit into their children’s brains and make a whole clan of dumb people living in a made up world. I’ve digressed.  I guess my point was just because you’re older doesn’t make you default wiser.  You become wiser from the experiences you have and what you’ve learned from those experiences.  There can be someone younger who have more superior analytical abilities to figure out many things in life, which is a step towards being ahead of their age group in terms of wiseness.  They’ll lack in practical wiseness, the kind you get from experiences that happen in life.  As I grow up and, apparently in others’ eyes, become an “adult” I don’t feel like an adult.  I’m always seeking to learn and experience more.  I think the real way to squander your future is when you believe you know all that you think you should, and decide to quit expanding your knowledge about the world and yourself.  You’ll live in your world of “back in my days” and scoff about how easy young people have it today compared to what we had to do then.  I know I’ve done it several times.  But one thing I’ve realized is in a couple of years, we have so many advancements in knowledge and history, that there’s more material for kids to catch up on.  And us being lazy adults, we don’t update ourselves on the new information.  We cling on to what we were taught back then and say that is “truth.”  I guess we should somewhat view and live our lives using the scientific method.  Have a strong foundation of the base knowledge, then from there learn and keep learning, updating on new information.  Because we as a people are stubborn.  We believe what we “know” as the “truth” so everyone else is wrong.  We don’t open up to the possibility that we might be wrong on some things.  We don’t seek whether we ARE wrong or right, we’re just right.  I think there’s the fear of appearing like a fool, not credible for believing in something incorrect for so long.  And that’s a problem in a society that only looks at right vs wrong, good vs evil.  We have a fixation on it.  You can just see it in the news.  I really hope some day, we as a society of people, can objectively look at a belief, have it proven wrong, say “oh, that’s wrong information so I will correct myself,” and be able to do that without the ridicule from others.  We fear so much of being wrong, that we will stubbornly protest that we are not wrong and in fact, right.  In our minds, we twist the views, lie, only to try to appear in the right.  We always demand apologies from people from saying something wrong, saying they’re a terrible person and whatnot.  How about we encourage them to be a better person?  Then maybe we will be better people that don’t immediately condemn someone, go on witch hunts, humiliate them, and throw stones. And a person will be able to hold their head up high and say, “I was wrong.  But, now I will make it right.”  And that’s all we should really expect from someone.

It’s been a while since I’ve actively posted anything in here.  I think I’ve also run out of all my scheduled posts for the last two years.  I don’t feel like deleting everything and starting new nor changing all my posts since they are all part of my thoughts and feelings at one point in my life. So, I’ll change my name.  The Lonely Dragon is now Enigmatic Whispers.  Not much meaning behind it other than it was a name not taken already. I’m a Kite without a String because in my current life, I’m not grounded to anyplace nor anyone.  A lot has not gone favorably my way and I’ve lost touch with many people.  I thought it wouldn’t be that difficult to reconnect with the people in my life, but I realize that I’m never around for anything nor anyone.  I’m too far detached and I understand that now. I travel wherever the wind blows me because the aspect of my life is I go where I’m assigned to.  So until that’s over, I won’t have a normal life.  I’ve tried very hard to hold onto those things, but feelings change for people.  Events happen.  Unexpected things occur. I’ve given up.  Given up holding on to what was.  What was will never come back.

I guess when it comes to it, people chase their own happiness. What am I chasing? Why do I keep waking up and continue to go on with this life? I haven't changed at all. I thought I did but I didn't. I keep allowing people to hurt me. It's baffling how we let go of things important in our life when we're preoccupied with the present. This is our curse: thinking too much. I would like to think that if I were important in someone's life and I said I was gonna leave or it sounded like I was, they'll say, "no, not happening." A heads up means pull me back in. Don't resign.

The other day someone told me that I shouldn’t forget to call my mom because today is Mother’s Day.  I looked at them and said “why would you say that to me?”  Then I just walked away.  It was lunch time at work so I just sat there forcing my sandwich in, silently crying in my carrel.  I tried my hardest not to let anyone see or hear.  When I finished my lunch, I did something I’ve never done before: I locked myself inside a bathroom stall and cried in there.  I haven’t really had a good cry or grieved in that way since the day and even during her funeral.  There were some, but there was a lot of restraint on my part.  I’ve been holding back a lot since then.  People at work often ask me in passing “if I’m okay” and everytime I just look at them and shrug cause what the fuck do they want me to say?  That I’m okay?  I’m not.  That I’m not okay.  They still wouldn’t know what to say.  So what’s the follow up to your question if I answer as you ask me every damn hour if I’m okay?  Asking me this much isn’t making it okay.  You’re not helping me sort through the things swirling in my head all day.  I’ve been restraining myself a lot, mostly because everything that everyone does annoys me and I get angry and I just want to punch someone.  But I can’t do that because I lose my job.  I function enough so that I can keep my job and do my daily errands.  Just because I can do that doesn’t mean I’m okay.  If I’m trying to laugh or trying to smile, I’m still not okay.  It’s not a fucking switch.  I can’t just flip and say, yup I’m okay.  No, I’m not.

Most stories are a love story, or have some sort of romance thrown into it for dramatic motivation.  But that's fine.  It's easy to predict these general themes.  What really makes the story is how it is told.