Dying to Live.

My traumatized brain: everyone will hurt you and no one can be trusted

I’m jealous of those who can function like a normal human being. They don’t have anxiety holding them back from everything, they don’t struggle to get out of bed or have to put on an act that everything is fine when its not. They don’t struggle to hold friendships and relationships… they don’t feel sad for no fucking reason everyday. Those that can hold jobs and work towards their dreams, the ones who have self esteem and see the beauty in themselves. Those that know what its like to feel safe and secure, not insecure and fearful of it all. 

missed a dose of my antipsychotic and now im god

when i say i miss you— it means i miss when you used me for your own benefit, because then you at least gave me the love i wanted. i miss when you held me against you and held my hands, when you gave me the love i longed for. when you ended it, i swear i’ve never more useless and vile as i have before. you ruined how i view my body, my insecurities that you told me were nothing to be ashamed of. every time someone has loved me like this they’ve always left after they wanted. nothing has ever been about me, and the worst part of all of this is that i should be so upset and hate you for all of this. but it just makes me love you more. i’m absolutely vile. i crave the toxicity of you, even though you ruin the way i think and act. i can never get enough of you.

The pathetic and degrading ways I’ve acted to avoid abandonment from people who weren’t worth me caring about them: volume 1 of many