If I have to wake up everyday questioning why I’m still alive, why am I?

I fell in love with you and it destroyed me.

When I say that I am alone, I don’t say it for you to tell me that I’m not. I say it because when it’s 4am and I’m laying on the bathroom floor deciding wether if my life is worth living or not, there’s nobody there but me.

Two months ago, when you walked by me my heart beat like a frantic bird trying to break through a cage. Today the same thing happened, but this time because of fear, not love.

You never get over having your heart stomped on and teared apart. You move on, but you will always remember and it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

I wish I felt nothing when I heard your name.

When you told me you didn’t want a relationship any more I threw my head back and smashed it into my headboard because I knew I was going to lose you again, it was just the way the cycle worked. I laid in bed that night gasping for air, clutching my pillow, and letting salty tears roll down my cheeks. My happiness didn’t derive from just you, but you were the main reason I was happy. My happiness that came from you derived from you teasing me, you laughing at the stupid jokes I make, our stupid jokes, the way you said my name and how it kinda just rolled off your tongue, the way you looked at me with your blue-brown eyes, the way you would shake your head, look down at the ground, and smile when I said something really stupid, and the way your arms made me feel like I was safe. And I can’t see how you can go from that to the guy with a stick shoved up his ass all the time.

“You know temporary friends?” I said. “What do you mean?” he replied.  “Well all my friends leave me so I know this is just temporary.” I say “I’m not going anywhere so don’t think that.” He said and smiled I shouldn’t have believed him. I should have kept my walls up and sensed that he was going to leave.

He looked at her. His eyes locked onto hers and he realized he no longer felt anything. Their hearts belonged to each other as long as he could remember. Years and years of dedication and then another girl came along. This new girl made him doubt everything about their relationship. All the love and all the time was about to be erased. And as she looked into his bright eyes and he looked into her dark brown eyes, the ones he had fallen in love with, he said, “I’m sorry.” and walked away.

We went from strangers to friends to lovers to friends, then right back to where we started.

I opened up the gates of my heart to him. He knew how fragile and damaged I was; my heart was like made of glass. And just when I thought he’d mend me, all he did was throw stones at my glass heart. He left my heart shattered. He left me broken. And I can’t pick up all these pieces - they’d never get back together again, just like us.