Dreaming of Death

Wow, it's been literally forever since I've been on this blog! (I apologize, some of you might have been worried but most of you probably don't care.)

A lot has been going on in my life. Some good, some bad. Lately I've been kinda neutral. Not really sad, but not exactly happy. It's almost as if i'm existing, but I'm not really living.. Ya know? 

Honestly, I'm much too lazy to write out a full update like I usually do, but the main things have been: 

I stayed clean for almost four months straight.

Broke that streak, and now I'm almost one month clean.

I haven't been really honest with my therapist, and I know it's bad, but I know I'd be hospitalized again, and with all the stuff that has been going on with my sister, I don't want to be even more of a burden on my mom.

My younger sister has been hospitalized technically 3 times, but the last one she just went to the ER and they sent her back home.

And with my sister, she has been self harming and I've felt so incredibly guilty. Because who did she learn these behaviors from? Me. I'm already mad enough at myself that I started self harming, now the fact that I probably caused my sister to, it makes me so fucking mad at myself. 

That was a couple months ago, and my family has kinda gotten normal. My sister is starting DBT therapy this month (same thing i did when i got out of the hospital), hence why I don't want to be completely honest with my therapist. My mom has already gotten close to relapsing with her alcoholism, and I can't bear to be the one who fucks up her sobriety. 

So for now, I'm just trying to survive. I'll be coming back on this blog a lot more and prayers would be lovely :)