I’m not going to watch the MTV VMAs this year because we haven’t set up cable in our room yet, but I’m pretty sure this is how it will play out:
1. Macklemore accidentally takes cultural appropriation to a new level, resulting in the enslavement of 3 free nations and a repeal of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Ryan Lewis drops a pretty phat beat, though, so it’s a wash.
2. Miley Cyrus does/says something “outrageous” and “provocative”. Discussion of said thing blows up on mainstream media and the internet. Side 1: She was being “indecent”, “immoral”, “crude”, “sexually objectified by the producers”, etc. Side 2: She was “an exemplar of sexual liberation”, “redefining old boundaries”, you know, etc. Both sides are wrong, she’s actually just better at leveraging media attention than any of our politicians, maybe excluding Donald Trump. Camera 1 cuts to Billy Ray Cyrus, but his facial expression is not easily read. He’s probably cool with it.
3. Pharrell Williams wears a new hat. No jokes here.
4. There is a song about a romantic relationship in the summertime. There is a song about a good party, or at least a lyric about a good party. Projected simile count (x y like z): 54. This is only in musical performances, not speeches; I’m not Nostradamus.
5. Kanye West opts not to perform a song, and instead goes on a 30-minute diatribe against the establishment, mostly without a beat. The producers edit this down to the 20 seconds that had a beat and some words that rhymed. His acceptance speech is also decidedly anti-establishment, but he doesn’t say anything about MTV or Viacom so it’s cool.
6. Nick Jonas still gets jealous. I legitimately don’t know if he has any other songs, but I can’t say I fall into his target demographic.
7. Kendrick Lamar wins all the awards, except for the awards that Macklemore was nominated for, and shakes the hand of every single person in the Microsoft Theatre, including Macklemore. Tears are shed, most of all by Macklemore. Kendrick Lamar leans in closer, closer to the blubbering Macklemore and whispers in his ear, “It’s OK, Ben. I forgive you. All you need to do is forgive yourself.” A bolt of clarity strikes Macklemore, his eyes widen, and Macklemore realizes that deep down his real dream was to become a bluegrass musician. He grabs the nearest banjo and flees for the hills of Appalachia, never to be seen on network television again. There is peace.
…So it looks like we’re in for a real hootenanny! Tune in to MTV on August 30th, 2015 @ 9/8c!
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