FallsDragon

Before you say anything, at least hear me out for the first few sentences. I’m not asking you to even care, so if you’re a fan of his you should probably click away now. I’m not some mindless troll hating on a popular youtuber just because I found one little thing they said kind of offensive. I don’t find him that offensive, he’s just kind of... sad. 

Here’s what I mean: when I look at iDubbbbz I see in him a reflection of our entire generation. He’s like a horrible representation of every reason why my mom tells me I should spend less time on my laptop. At the end of the day, iDubbbz is just a twenty-something sitting in front of a camera and bitching about inconsequential shit that’ll be meaningless in a few short years or even months. He has no legacy, and he makes no contributions. He’s barely even memorable.

When he gets older – when he turns thirty and goes from being the quirky, “offensive,” little boy attacking other quirky, “offensive” little boys over the internet to a weird creep living alone, making a mess and bullying college dropouts, who will stand by him? When your precious little Ian stops appealing to you and you move on, will you leave him to keep spouting his tiny little voice into the uncaring abyss of the internet? Cause god knows that potential, NORMAL future employers are gonna pick a guy whose resume doesn’t include that he once painted himself entirely orange for a couple million youtube views.

6:00 PM Sunday

This line is so long - it reminds me of that line in that Starbucks that one time. Is that cereal? My mom never lets me buy cereal. God, the things I would do for yogurt O-s…

6:02 PM Sunday

This lady in front of me should move. Why is there so much juice in her cart? I’m going to count them. 1… 2… 3… Who the hell enjoys pomegranate juice? Is there a juice charity? There’s no way someone shopping at Trader Joe’s could have enough friends to drink that much juice.

6:02:30 PM Sunday

Shit! I didn’t mean to hit her, I was distracted! No, don’t turn around! What kind of look is that? No, I’m not here by myself my mom’s getting salmon. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.

6:05 PM Sunday

Yeah, this is still the line, what does it look like you idiot! No, we’re just doing the conga in the middle of Trader Joe’s at 6 PM on Sunday evening! WHY IS EVERYONE ASKING ME IF THIS IS STILL THE LINE?!

6:07 PM Sunday

Time for a line break! Line one or line 2? I bet 2.. it’s a better number really - even and all that stuff. 2, 2, 2. Better cross my fingers..

6:07:25 PM Sunday

Really? Line 1? What kind of mind games is this lady playing?

6:09 PM Sunday

Mom’s back. Should I ask her if we can get sunflower seeds? I mean they have a lot of salt but they’re so good, and dad likes them too… I guess I don’t have time to weight pros and cons of sunflower seeds. I’ll just ask… YES! Woo! I love sunflower seeds!

6:12 PM Sunday

Time for the second line break - green grapes, yellow cheese or red pepper? I should start a tally of how many times I get each of these. I feel like I’m always getting red pepper - I don’t mind it but I think yellow cheese would be nice. Plus, yellow cheese has the trail mix in its line divider. Okay, let’s hope for yellow cheese.

6:12:10 PM Sunday

Why do they name their lines after food anyways? It’s stupid.

6:12:45 PM Sunday

Ugh, green grapes. I don’t even like grapes. Seeds are gross.

6:14 PM Sunday

Okay we’re next… which cashier are we going to get? There are so many! What’s that last one… 30! 30 cashiers! Whole Foods only has like 12 and half of them are out - this place most cost a FORTUNE to run… I mean, 30 cashiers!

6:15 PM

What is it exactly about the Grand Army Passport Office that draws in almost everyone in New York City? Perhaps it’s because it’s literally the only option for hundreds of people – but I think it’s something more. Tucked away in the corner of a large library, the office has a special quality about it. It’s like some sort of sadness has been massaged into each plastic chair, leaving the place quiet and somber. The refusal of other offices around the city to retain the traditional style of passport processing – no appointments, no computer, just one person working, and a general lack of efficiency – means that Grand Army is one of the few places you can visit to get a taste of how passports used to be processed back before computers and all the other gadgets that consume our lives.

Let it be noted that adults aren’t required to visit in person, so each family visiting is dragging along at least one unhappy child with them. Adventurous visitors may wish to sample a slice of pie from four-and-twenty blackbirds, a pie shop located within the library, because of course a good slice of key lime may tide over the 2 to 3 hour wait until admittance to the office. Lines often exceed it’s capacity, and the wait to get in can be up to 200 minutes.