endearingcal

There have been times where I have felt fine and I’ve come to terms with the reality of the situation, and others.. where I just lose it. Floods of tears come out of nowhere— a song, a symbol, a food item, a song, a fucking pillow, anything.. can set me back. I’m an emotional wreak. But only when it comes to you.

I hate that I knew this would happen. I knew it wouldn’t be a happy ending. It never is, all I do is hurt all the time. Why be vulnerable, when the outcome fucks you up so badly. Ruins. Is this a test ? To see how much fucking heartache I can handle ? Because If it is, you’ve won. White flag. Idc about my pride anymore. I cannot handle anything else.

You were my treasure. The one person who really understood me. Someone I could be my true authentic self with.. flaws and all. We both understood forgiveness + trust. Open mindedness, intelligenence, creative, loving, I can’t say one bad thing at this point. We loved so deeply for each other it ruined us.

Suddenly I felt that I wanted all of you. Not just let’s be together forever. But let’s create a life together, a family, a marriage, the whole shabang. Every guy I’ve ever been with has begged me for that and I would never agree to it because it was never what I wanted...

Until you.

But of course, you’d be the one that didn’t want any of that.. maybe I’m just not destined for happiness?