the nonbinary heaux is out

on the one hand, fourteen and fifteen and sixteen year old me didn't image having a future long enough to see a 20th birthday, yet I'm here barring any out-of-my-control circumstances that happen before then. 

but on the other hand, i'm massively disappointed with how my life is right now. i'm not happy. i'm barely existing honestly i spend most of the day sitting alone in a numbing silence trying to recount and recreate memories that probably haven't even happened how i think they have.

I’ve just been alone a lot lately and I have been dreaming / having maladaptive daydreams about a whole lot of you from when I was first here and it’s been comforting, even if it’s kind of a self-destructive habit of obsessing over the concepts of people && past experiences instead of attempting to live in the now and whatever, but you know, che e la vita di una persona folle.

that being said s/o to @prince-of-nettles​ and @queenconsuelabananahammock​ and @premium-thot​ and @hiija and all of you lovely folks who honestly made the last year bearable despite my entire life basically falling apart ten times over.

[cue waterworks because i am a literal barely functioning mess that cannot accurately be described as human]

i’m applying to colleges to transfer to finally and i just remember i made this list a while ago based on where all my friends were bc my entire focus then was just being around people i knew cared about me and then I just saw it and i’m like “i don’t talk to literally any of these people anymore” and that spun out into a two-week (and counting) episode of just literally thinking about everyone nonstop and ignoring work to sleep so I can dream about people and man it’s bad but idk i find comfort in it and i’ll probably catch up on shit over spring break since i’ll be cooped up with my nauseously tense and unwelcoming family for the week solid

like i have a very hard time differentiating reality from my imagination and that is not normal it is not normal to have everything blurred it is not normal to have 0 control over your feelings or emotions because your brain randomly decides “eh i don’t like this person who you SHOULD like bc you’ve been friends for 6 years i just feel apathetic now” and “omg i love this person u have seen literalyl once and said hi to maximum 2 times you’re going to marry them” like

you’re not helping me by saying it’s normal

i understand i have problems and that’s why i set boundaries for myself like i hate making people uncomfortable and it’s totally reasonable for ppl to be uncomfortable w someone obsessing over them when they don’t know them. it’d make me uncomfortable. which is why i don’t TELL people because it’s NOT NORMAL and is weird and embarrassing whether i have control over it or not.

not to mention the fact??? that i have super bad social anxiety??? which makes me question my ability to fit in and be good enough for anyone in any capacity so i mean on top of obsessing over ppl i'm constantly like "u would literally never be good enough for them" 

so yeah i don’t appreciate ppl violating my privacy and potentially making other ppl uncomfortable by saying things about me i haven’t given them permission to say and i’m probably gonna take a break from tumblr after this because honestly it’s really bothering me to even think about it like

it’s just not cool

stop ignoring ppl’s mental illnesses bc you think we’re being dramatic