idk

i hope

i broke down pretty bad tonight and need a tight hug

i don't know why i feel this way

guys my brain sad

i wish for better days

guys is it normal to just be going about your day and then you get hit with a sudden existential spiral that makes you realize nothing matters and we're all gonna die

i want to feel like living matters

I don't want to keep living life as if I'm just biding my time to die.

had a dream where i was some sort of heaven's concierge, or maybe floor assistant is more like it, where i'd help with crowd control and open up new rooms (it was laid out like a series of hallways or maybe a really large hotel/convention center that could keep expanding) when more people came in (because well, heaven), and i'd offer people directions to where they wanted to go, or help with things they wanted/needed, and i did this work for a sort of timeless duration (again, heaven), and for once i felt... satisfied? i didn't feel as if the work was a burden, and i was really happy being able to help support so many people out and just generally run my own domain (which was a series of hotel hallways and ballrooms, effectively?) -- again, i was happy. i don't think i've felt that in my actual life in a long while, and i don't remember that being something that i felt from a dream any time recently (or... ever?) either, and honestly i guess if that was what heaven was like, i'd be OK with it (even given the complications of it being endless and eternal and all). idk what to take away from this dream yet, but i suppose it's a reflection of my current worries about mortality bundled with a sense of meaninglessness in life and vocation, and this dream kind of set up a fantastical world where i enjoyed what i did, felt meaning from it, and didn't have to worry about mortality anymore. seems nice.

how has it been so many weeks and my brain is still in this state, i wonder how much longer i'll be like this or if this is something i just won't bounce back from, it feels like my reality has been uprooted from its foundation and i can't live life properly anymore and it scares me and bums me out and i just feel so broken and alone cause at the end of our lives that's all we are, right

waiting for when my brain will get better cause nothing seems to help

i guess it's nice journaling my thoughts down instead of holding them in my head all of the time. even if the words don't make any sense or i'm not saying much, it feels nice to see them on the page, and be able to read them back immediately after. i wish i could express myself in song or illustration cause those are more readily consumable media that people enjoy, but writing will have to do for now. not like i expect anyone to read what i write. it kinda feels nice when they do, though. i feel seen, i feel connected with, in some way. but often it just doesn't feel so good when people confront me about it, or, idk. in some ways it feels like i want people to acknowledge me -- the persona i've created on here -- but not me, the person who struggles through the daily task of existing. in any case, i still write, perhaps only for myself, but in some way to feel like i'm real, that i exist to the world.

there's a specific form of irony in the fact that i want to journal about how i'm losing my mind and write down how i feel to try to feel better in some way, but i'm too tired because of how i feel to write

i need a better outlet for my mood fr