empowering yourself through hard times

had a dream i couldn’t control myself or my emotions with john. Woke up and saw a video of the place he used to work. Saw the pretty blonde girl he used to work with. Why didn’t God make me tall and blonde? Why can’t I be more beautiful? I feel like a rejection from God sent here to continue anyway, meant to die, and hurt while im dying. I saw the video and I got out of bed and started smaking my head with my hand as hard as I could. I do this pretty frequently. I feel guilty when I do it in front of people. I want to do it more right now, when theres no one around, but I won’t. I know I don’t deserve it but why did god make me like this when i couldve been beautiful. 

I dream about cutting myself deep enough to form scars again and people asking me about them and actually feeling my pain. I want to talk to someone who feels as deeply as I do. In my mind I want to hurt myself until someone can see how beautiful I am.