& -- fragile like a bomb.

Breaking Point

LOCATION: Ministry of Magic DATE: May 2, 1982 @empoweredevans​

Ainsley Abbott had never been as adept at lying to herself as her current situation might indicate. Deceiving herself, yes – but outright, deliberate denial of facts? That still wasn’t her forte, even after two and a half months surrounded by duplicitous Death Eaters. So as she stumbled away from Amelia, it was hard to pretend that her eyes were watering because of the dust kicked-up by shattered marble and transfigured furniture. She knew why they were watering, and it wasn’t environmental.

There was nothing she could do about that, though. She pulled her spectacles off and scrubbed at the stinging salty pools with the sleeve of her awful black robe, her mind focused more on distance than defense–

And turned a corner with a combination of speed and distraction that rammed her directly into another person. Ainsley staggered, stepped backwards on the hem of her robes, and went down hard enough to jar her glasses loose from her grip. She managed at least to keep her other hand tight around her wand but of course, she’d been trained to hang onto that in a fight; who would have ever suspected that she’d be carrying her glasses in her hand in the middle of a battle?

Ainsley scrabbled across the floor for the wayward lenses (thankful, when her hand closed over the smooth intact glass that the Unbreakable Charm she’d put on them had held) and crammed them back onto her nose as she turned, still seated, to face the person with whom she had collided. “Sorry, I wasn’t–”

And the instinctive, small-talk style apology (out of place for a Death Eater, yes, but old habits died hard and pointless pleasantries perhaps hardest of all) expired on her lips as she recognized, with dawning horror, the face of the woman looking back at her. Lily Evans.

Ainsley felt as though the ground had opened up beneath her; like the floor had melted into a pit, gaping, cold, and bottomless. But she wasn’t that lucky: the floor was solid. There was no escape – not even the wand in her hand. She could have raised it, could have fought back…but could she have? After everything she’d cost Lily Evans…maybe the least she owed her was an unimpeded first shot.

She winced, but kept her eyes open against the urge to squeeze them closed; if this was death, she might as well face it head-on. After everything she’d done, what else was there to do?

Lily had lost Marlene in the scuffle. That much wasn’t surprising, as the Ministry of Magic was covered in Death Eaters and cowering civilians alike. While the two women had not rekindled their friendship with one battle, they’d had one another’s backs. They had made sure the other stayed alive. And that was something. 

When she found herself face-to-face with the next Death Eater, however, the person wasn’t wearing a mask. Ainsley Abbott apologized for bumping into Lily politely, as though they were at the market and both reaching for the same apple. She stood with her fingers to her glasses and the gesture sucked the air from Lily’s lungs. James would’ve had to do the same to keep his from flying off his face. His specs often getting in the way of Quidditch or running around the castle - or battles.

If he’d had proper eyesight, would he have died?

Those are the questions that kept Lily up at night, though she knew the answer. Yes, he would’ve. It didn’t matter what he was wearing or if he could see more clearly or if she’d been there to stop him. James would’ve died anyway because he hadn’t raised his wand while Ainsley had.

But she wasn’t raising her wand now. It was almost as if she was allowing Lily to do something. Get revenge, maybe. Or perhaps Ainsley just no longer wanted to live. Lily clutched at her wand as she stood in front of the older woman. Ainsley had been fighting this war for so much longer.

“Ainsley,” Lily breathed out her name much too late. They’d been staring at one another for many precious seconds when it came from her lips, disbelieving and angry and sad. Lily was not afraid. Ainsley was not raising her wand. And maybe there was a moment where Lily wished they could go back and this would’ve been Ainsley’s choice in the first place, but there was no room for wishes in a world that didn’t allow for them.

She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes, but she did not cry. Ainsley Abbott didn’t deserve her tears. “He never raised his wand,” she told Ainsley. Reminded her, more like. Not sure if Ainsley, too, was haunted by that knowledge that Mary Macdonald had shared with her. “He never raised his wand and you thought he was planning to kill your sister.” Lily gripped her own wand tightly. “How could he kill her if he had his wand down, Ainsley?”

"I’m - I’m sorry, Lily,” was all Ainsley’s reply and Lily did not know this woman enough to tell what was going on in her mind. James knew her; James might’ve been able to tell. “Is this where you kill me?"

It made Lily laugh, looking down at her wand. Not raised. “Do you want me to?” The girls stared at one another, their eyes gripping with the knowledge that Ainsley wouldn’t cast a spell this time. If Lily wanted to, she could do to this wix what she’d done to her boyfriend. Sirius would want her to.

“No,” Lily said. “Tomorrow when you wake up, I want you to remember how easy it was to not raise a wand.” It was said with spite, though not quite with hate. Lily did not hate Ainsley, though maybe she should have. But death might be a blessing. Death would allow Ainsley to forget. 

The choices they made in this war will live with them forever. And, just as she had with Severus so many years before, Lily turned to walk away. Ainsley has chosen her path and Lily would choose hers. 

The Last Good Fight

LOCATION:Ministry of Magic DATE: May 2, 1982 @empoweredevans​

Marlene had been in worse fights in her life – or perhaps more accurately, Marlene had been in fights where she had come off worse than she was doing so far. (There was no Cursed iron fence here trying to tear her flesh from her bones, anyway.) But even with as many years as she had fought for the Order of the Phoenix, as many times as she had put her life on the line, as dire as the straights had been in which she had found herself time and time again – all that, and she didn’t think she had ever fought tor stakes this high before.

That put a certain weight on this fight for which no mere wounds could account.

But weight and wounds or not, the only thing to do was keep going. Stopping to assess the import of the situation would help no one – and there were plenty of people in need of help. Marlene hardly knew where to turn. At least her family wasn’t here–

But her friends were. Or sort-of former friends…allies? Whatever she and Lily Evans were to each other now, Marlene certainly didn’t want the other witch hurt. So when she limped around a corner and turned to see a Death Eater peering around a smashed door to take aim on Lily, she didn’t hesitate before shouting “Duck!” and throwing a hasty Stunning Spell at the back of that black-robed head.

She probably should have cast the spell first and then shouted, since by alerting Lily she also alerted a Death Eater in time for them to conjure a Shield Charm – but if Lily had been hurt (or worse) because Marlene was more concerned with fighting her enemies than protecting her friends (semi-friends?) she would have never forgiven herself.

The voice didn’t register, but the words did - and Lily followed it. It didn’t matter whether it was friend or foe because, if someone was yelling ‘duck,’ it meant a spell was coming their way. 

It passed over Lily’s head, blowing her hair in the wind of it as it brushed by, narrowing missing her. And, when she straightened and saw it was Marlene (not quite a friend anymore, but definitely not a foe), she didn’t have time to feel conflicted because the Death Eater had recovered at the same time as her and their wand was shooting another spell towards them.

Lily found her way back on the field after keeping her promise to Caradoc to join the Dueling Club. She started in Branwen’s section, as promised, but was able to enter into Sirius’ fairly quickly. It actually helped. Even though she had always been a skilled dueller, she gained skills and agility - and Sirius was, surprisingly, a pretty good teacher. 

Remus moved in, which made the place she’d once shared with James less lonely. The attack on the Potter Estate had been a devastating occurrence, but none of their side had died, even though Emmeline had endured some pretty severe memory loss for a while.

Lily herself kept a low profile. It was something she’d learned to do whenever needed. A light presence, but a smart one. She’d been part of the attack at Gringotts, a victory that made her feel as though James were right beside her again. Sirius simmered, but she could see how his anger brimmed at the surface anyway. There was no telling what he would do as the war moved forward - especially with them having to fake grief over Peter’s pretend death. 

It was not the first time that a similar question had been directed at him, and Caradoc once again kept a note of it to reexamine his biases later on. He knew it was easier for him to give Branwen more leeway because of their past, because he believed she was able to change and leave her family’s bigotry behind her. The same was true of Severus Snape, in a way. Except here, it was simply practical. He was a tool, and Caradoc had every intention to use it until it wore out or broke or he had no more use for it. 

And, from one extreme to the other, it was true of everyone who was in the Order of the Phoenix. 

“That is because you see getting take off field duty as it being done solely to punish you,” Caradoc replied, “and Branwen’s leading the fighting club as something of a reward.” He saw them as neither of those things, not fully anyway, and even in the discussion the Inner Circle had over what to do with Lily after Leina Nott’s death, no one had truly wanted to punish her. “But I can’t deny those are my actions and thus I can’t fault you for reading them that way. Can I?” The answer was, of course, in the end he didn’t. Actions mattered, but words did, too. She was right on that.

“I never hide my disapproval of the use of those words from Branwen, and it’s been awhile since I’ve caught her saying them. But now I know they haven’t stopped simply because I have not witnessed them,” he said, with a more sombre look on his face. He didn’t hide his disappointment in Bran, but then he was also a little disappointed with himself for missing this about her. “I will hold her to high standards,” he said, words spoken like a promise. “Especially about this, because while I don’t know what it feels like to have that word thrown at you, I know what you speak of.” His work asked of him to walk through the Muggle world often enough, almost on a daily basis, and touch the mind of Muggles who came with their own sets of biases and prejudices. “You may say, next time we sat down like this, we can both see how well we have done on our respective work ahead of us. Would you agree?”

SUMMARY TO CLOSE:

Remus started out the conversation like she had - with this air of disbelief that it would never work. That she’d brought it up as a joke. But then, as she clicked into place, so did he. His eyes lit up in a similar way to hers, but he stumbled over his words as he tried to reassure her that he didn’t have to do this if she didn’t want him to.

You don’t want your own place alone? Lily’s gaze softened and, despite herself, she looked at the mantle where James’ wand laid. “I don’t want to be alone,” she admitted. It was quiet, raw, and made the air stand still for a moment. She sucked in a breath and smiled at him, pushing down all the things she was feeling in that moment. “You’d really be doing me a favor.”

.

SUMMARIZE TO CLOSE:

Lily sighed, the air from her breath blowing the hair that she moved into her face. She wiped at the tears and the cut on her cheek stung. “Oh, I hope he didn’t try to do anything stupid,” she said about their friend. Sirius would be the person, of course - Lily knew he was rash, even if the words were said with fondness. “Frank would keep him from it, don’t you think?”

James had had a complicated relationship with Frank Longbottom and Lily herself had mixed feelings about the man. But Frank and her had been through things together and, while she wasn’t keen on being the one who was solely blamed for Leina, she knew that wasn’t Frank’s fault. He was an Auror - he could be trusted to help Sirius.

Lily sucked in a breath about Peter, but nodded. “We would’ve heard,” she said. So many had known about James right away - she herself had watched the dot disappear. She shivered for no reason at all and shook her head. These walls of the House of Bones were getting to her. 

“Severus and I had a row,” she practically blurted out next. “He can’t comprehend my understanding of this war, Remus. I’m afraid he might be here for me and I…” She cut off her words. “I can’t do that with him.”

SUMMARIZE TO CLOSE:

Maddy asked the all-encompassing question. Why. Lily let out a soft breath and shrugged. “To know for sure, we’d have to be Voldemort.” Lily gave her a look. “But I have a guess. His plan… these ideas. They have nothing to do with blood status. That’s just a front to get the right people - the people who have always believed this anyway - on his side. But it’s just about power. He wanted me because I’m smart… because I’d be another person in his control.”

“And, to me, that’s scarier than just hating me for my blood.” Her gaze turned serious, with a bit of pride underneath, as they reached the steps to the house. “By the way, don’t stop saying his name. Voldemort. I noticed you said it before - don’t let anyone in here - “ She pointed to the house vaguely, though meant The Order in general “- make you think it’s wrong.”

SUMMARIZE TO CLOSE:

Sirius’ tone matched Lily’s - quiet and uncertain. Not as strong as it once was. Without Jame, Sirius was fading. It wasn’t a term that Lily thought she’d ever use for the man who had run away from home, who had turned his back on a family that didn’t deserve him for one that actually loved him. It was ironic, given their less-than-stellar start with one another when Lily began dating James… but Sirius and she had a lot more in common than met the eye. Both relied on this found family in ways that other might not have understood.

Both had needed James.

“Maybe he’s afraid,” Lily said. “Of what we might say. Who is better than Edgar Bones if he wanted someone impartial?” She couldn’t help but think that Peter had gone to Edgar because he knew Edgar would protect him in ways that Lily and the boys were no longer able to do. They were falling apart - and, depending on what was going on with Peter, one more snap could fully unravel them.

Sirius immediately took care of her when she dropped the coin, but Lily winced at the cold on warm skin. “You’re not supposed to put it directly on the skin, Sirius,” she corrected gently and summoned a cloth from the kitchen to wrap the ice in. She shrugged when she looked at him. “Guess I learned something from healing duty,” she quipped in a monotone voice. 

She moved farther into the flat, leading Sirius into the sitting room as he questioned what she meant. As she sat on the couch, holding the cloth and the never-melting ice to her hand, she considered her words. Would Sirius find her cynical? Would he turn on her for suggesting her doubts?

She bit her lip before quietly pushing forward. “But how do you know that, Sirius? We never thought Ainsley would hurt us, either. And what about Rosalia? She left us without a moment’s warning.” She sighed, thinking of Severus. “Sometimes friends are capable of more than we think they are. I’m not saying Peter has done anything wrong. I just don’t think we can put the blame on the Inner Circle when it’s Peter who isn’t telling us the truth.”

SUMMARIZE TO CLOSE:

Lily Evans. Her heart felt ever so slightly strangled as the young witch stepped into the light. The poor girl had lost so much during this war. And Alice couldn’t even say she’d gotten justice for James. So there she stood, awkwardly frozen by the door, trying to think of what to say. 

Her usual demeanor softened ever so slightly. “Any other day I’d say nothing was a waste of our time and resources. But after everything that’s happened lately…” Alice sighed. “Maybe no news can be good news, at least for today.” 

She rubbed her eyes a moment, finding herself willing to take this witch under her wing, if Lily would allow it. “I’m going to make coffee. Want a cup? I’m sure there are some things I can catch you up to speed on that aren’t quite so confidential any longer. Besides, we could use a fresh mind. We’re probably all just throwing the same ideas at the wall and hoping something will stick.”

.

SUMMARIZE TO CLOSE:

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

She’d been in a decent mood for the last few days. Almost a week, and Alice hadn’t nearly torn someone’s head off. 

Despite having thrown herself down the rabbit hole for weeks, she found herself caught on a branch and beginning to climb back up, up, up toward the light. 

But then the question of what came next loomed. What tragedy would be next? She quickly shooed the question from her mind as she walked through the main entrance to the Bone’s Estate. For now, everyone was alive, and for the most part unharmed. What was important was planning the next intricately placed step in the never ending balancing act that was the war. 

She heard footsteps approaching from some darkened hall and called out “So what have I missed? I’ve been at work all day, I need a status report.”

.

Lily didn’t know Alice Longbottom well. In fact, it was here husband that Lily had gone through more situations with, albeit not good ones. Still, she wasn’t surprised to hear the bossiness in the woman’s voice, though Lily also wasn’t as angry about it as James might’ve been, if he were still alive. 

Lily, unlike her late boyfriend, knew that women needed to push their voices forward in order to be heard. But that didn’t mean that Lily was privvy to the knowledge that someone such as James would’ve known, anyway.

“Nothing,” Lily replied quietly as she stopped in the corridor facing Alice. “Nothing has happened today and, if you ask our younger members, that would be the problem. But perhaps you’d want to check in with your fellow Inner Circle... they always know more anyway.”

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT .002

What is your character’s secondary house?

Lily’s secondary house is Slytherin, with Ravenclaw as a close third. Most people would assume it would be Ravenclaw, given Lily’s career and her love for learning, but there is an ambition about her that comes with being a Muggleborn in a Pureblood world. 

She is ambitious and goal-orientated. While she wouldn’t step on someone else to reach her potential, she does see her potential and sees the truth of the world and how she fits in it. Lily is fairly confident in who she is as a person - she is also a leader, which can sometimes be attributed to both Gryffinfors and Slytherins. Like Hufflepuffs, there are also many loyal Slytherins, which Lily would consider herself to be.

Sirius looked down at the familiar key. He didn’t have a copy himself, but when James had brought him over or they’d arrived together on his bike, a copy of that little key had been a familiar sight. He couldn’t believe a key made him feel such an ache.

“But why?” Sirius asked. “Why Edgar? Why not us?” He knew it sounded a bit petulant, but Peter choosing the inner circle over them for help was something he still couldn’t wrap his mind around. It had always been them, first the four of them and then they’d added Lily. They’d solved problems together, learned complicated magic, created new magic. There had never been a problem they couldn’t solve. Until James. 

Was that it? Sirius wondered. Without James holding them together, were they crumbling? Had Peter doubted their collective power without the ringleader? Merlin forbid this was the beginning of the end. Was Sirius going to lose them all?

He snapped out of it, blinking back tears as he looked over at Lily. “Done?” he repeated, then grew distracted by her hand. Sirius hissed in sympathy and summoned an ice cube that he carefully pressed against her hand. It wouldn’t solve the problem, but hopefully she had a salve they could use somewhere in the apartment. “Why do you assume he’s done something? He’s Peter. He wouldn’t do anything wrong!”

.

Sirius’ tone matched Lily’s - quiet and uncertain. Not as strong as it once was. Without Jame, Sirius was fading. It wasn’t a term that Lily thought she’d ever use for the man who had run away from home, who had turned his back on a family that didn’t deserve him for one that actually loved him. It was ironic, given their less-than-stellar start with one another when Lily began dating James... but Sirius and she had a lot more in common than met the eye. Both relied on this found family in ways that other might not have understood.

Both had needed James.

“Maybe he’s afraid,” Lily said. “Of what we might say. Who is better than Edgar Bones if he wanted someone impartial?” She couldn’t help but think that Peter had gone to Edgar because he knew Edgar would protect him in ways that Lily and the boys were no longer able to do. They were falling apart - and, depending on what was going on with Peter, one more snap could fully unravel them.

Sirius immediately took care of her when she dropped the coin, but Lily winced at the cold on warm skin. “You’re not supposed to put it directly on the skin, Sirius,” she corrected gently and summoned a cloth from the kitchen to wrap the ice in. She shrugged when she looked at him. “Guess I learned something from healing duty,” she quipped in a monotone voice. 

She moved farther into the flat, leading Sirius into the sitting room as he questioned what she meant. As she sat on the couch, holding the cloth and the never-melting ice to her hand, she considered her words. Would Sirius find her cynical? Would he turn on her for suggesting her doubts?

Caradoc admired Lily for her honesty, both when it came to her feelings for Ainsley and for sharing her past with Severus Snape. In his admiration, he listened carefully to what she had to tell him. It wasn’t simply the content of it, though that was also greatly important, but the reason why she had chosen to share this part of her own personal story with him. 

Even with all the details missing, only vaguely hinted in her tale, it was easy to understand the why. The way she spoke of her relationship with Severus made him think of his own with Edgar. ‘I think we just… understood one another,’ she said. Best friends, he thought, even if he didn’t mean to jump to any conclusion. But he understood that going from loving someone and understand them, to breaking your relationship, it was not done for trivial reasons. 

And Caradoc had seen what Severus Snape was capable of, the lengths he could go, the kind of evil he could infuse in his own magic. So, he understood why Lily had made her choice even without knowing what had exactly pushed her to severe that tie. More importantly, he understood that she wanted to warn him about Severus.

“I agree that he is not a person to be trusted lightly,” he said, with a nod. “He still has a lot to prove about where his loyalties lie, and I don’t pretend to believe he’s wholly sincere about his reasons to be here.” After all, hadn’t Lily just offered him and explanation that Severus never had even mentioned? “Even less so now that I’m aware of your past together. But I’m willing to give him the chance to change.” It wasn’t an easy thing to do. Caradoc often times had to force himself from falling to its own prejudices and challenging them instead.  “If you are indeed what brought him here, then I can only hope he can find more reasons within and outside of the Order to abandon those beliefs that have led him to the Death Eaters in the first place.” Because Lily was right, one person wouldn’t be enough to change years of hate. “For that to happen, I need to give him a chance.”

“It’s not so different with Bran,” he added. “You have to understand, it’s not always words that show you a person’s true character.” How many times he had been verbally insulted by Branwen Yaxley? He couldn’t even begin to count them because it wasn’t her words that had stayed with him, but her actions. The softness hidden under her coarse exterior. “For some people, words can be incredibly difficult and the only language they have left to communicate their true feelings is actions.” Words weren’t easy for him either, not when it came to offer comfort or show affections. Even he failed to use words when it came to those moments. “After all, I am trusting you on your words, but I will look at your actions to know the true depth of you,” he admitted, being completely honest with her. 

Caradoc listened without interruption and Lily appreciated that. Being around the Marauders for her entire adult life meant that wasn’t always the case. She loved them - and they loved her - but they weren’t the best at just stopping to listen. Remus could be, when they were alone, but even he sometimes got caught up in the bustle of the rest when they were all together. James had been the worst of them, but not out of malice. He just had important things to say - had passion when he said them. He was someone who others wanted to listen to... even if that meant he sometimes forgot to listen back.

I’m willing to give him the chance to change. Lily sucked in a soft breath, but didn’t comment. It was more than she was able to give her old friend right now. She’d left him out of necessity - because she could no longer be the exception. Caradoc, a pureblood, would only be able to half-understand that. He could maybe get it without being able to feel it. Because, in the end, it would never, ever happen to him.

Caradoc had the luxury of being able to give chances to people like Severus Snape unlike Lily. “Do what you think is right,” was all she could reply. Because Severus had once killed people just like her for simply having blood just like hers. How could she open her heart to that again? He’d broken it once and, now with James gone, she wasn’t sure she’d survive another heartbreak.

“I understand that,” Lily said slowly at the mention of Bran but, honestly, she was exhausted. She was exhausted of being the token who had to explain to purebloods what it was like to be anything else. She was tired of being the voice of people like her because people who were different couldn’t grasp it. “But words matter too. And I think you’d feel differently if you were the one being called Mudblood.” 

She looked at Caradoc carefully, unsure of how much to press. “She doesn’t have to say it to me for me to know it’s there.” She bit her lip before pressing forward. “Did you know that, in the world I came from, you would be judged in the same way I’m judged here in the Wizarding World? Not because of your blood, but because of your skin. James was - by my sister and her husband.”

“He didn’t understand it until he met them. He’d changed after that - saw me a bit more clearly. I know it’s difficult for you to understand, but Branwen’s actions might be pure and it matters less when her words don’t match them. She needs to do better. And you should hold her to that standard.” Lily tilted her head. “After all, aren’t you holding me to a higher standard than her? I make a mistake and get thrown off the field.”

Lily essentially dismissed Maddy. Her questions, her ideas, and while Maddy felt her shoulders slump at it, she didn’t insist. She didn’t entirely understand why the Order becoming your life stood in opposition to fixing the system of Wizarding Britain, but again, she suffocated the question and kept silent. “All right. Sure! Another time.”

“It’s good to be nice. Can save lives, I’ve found.” Make even the most horrid of people want to spare yours, was what she meant. She gave Lily a smile at the jokingly belated introduction-phrase. 

Maddy blinked in confusion and wonder. “Voldemort wanted you to join? Why?” For power, Lily said, but that felt so … broad, and nonsensical. The frown stayed at Lily laughed, because this really did surprise her and threw her deep into thought. 

Maddy asked the all-encompassing question. Why. Lily let out a soft breath and shrugged. “To know for sure, we’d have to be Voldemort.” Lily gave her a look. “But I have a guess. His plan... these ideas. They have nothing to do with blood status. That’s just a front to get the right people - the people who have always believed this anyway - on his side. But it’s just about power. He wanted me because I’m smart... because I’d be another person in his control.”

“You don’t think those two things can be worked towards at the same time? Killing Voldemort on the one hand and reorganising the system on the other side? I mean, I suppose it takes a lot of energy to fight Voldemort so you can’t do everything at once, but, you know, what happens after Voldemort is dead? The war is won? Usually after a war or a revolution, there’s a power-vacuum and that always ends up to things being worse, all because there wasn’t enough pre-preparation from the revolutionists beforehand.”

“But definitely the best at being nice in the class, right?” Maddy fired back, grinning broadly because she wasn’t trying to sound like a boot-licker, more like someone up for friendly jokes. “Me? Hm.” She thought about it for a moment, then resumed her broad grin and thundered over the quietness of Lily’s voice: “I’m Maddy Warren, Catholic Muggleborn from Norn Iron, and I will make everyone see that everyone is special and everyone deserves love and everyone can be friends!”

All that made sense and Maddy nodded to match Lily’s seriousness. “It’s just the way you phrased it. That you want to be the reason why Voldemort loses, that just sounded a bit like you wanted to blow the last stroke, like, be the one who makes him lose, personally.” Maddy too wanted Voldemort and his stupid friends to lose very badly, but she didn’t care whether she’d be present on the scene and day it happened or somewhere shopping for sweets. As long as she had contributed something to them getting to this final victory, she was happy. Proud. 

Maddy’s fervor didn’t ebb away, but she did falter, for just a moment. James used to say the same thing. No. No, this wasn’t bad. This wasn’t an omen or a dismissal or a proof that she was being silly. This was proof that Maddy, much like someone Lily had once loved – loved! – were sharing ideas. That she wasn’t alone, not on earth, not in after-life. Her smile returned. “Well then I must be right, hm?” 

Lily grinned at the kid’s enthusiasm. She was right - people tend to focus on the thing at hand and not what happens next, which often created more problems - but it was also unrealistic to expect so much. It was hard enough not to die right now - hard enough not to wallow in her misery over a love lost and a life that could’ve been - and some things took priority. “Maybe we can talk ideas another time,” she responded calmly. “Figure out a way to address it. But you’ll soon realize that the Order becomes your life. It’s hard to see what happens next when you’re worried there might not even be a next.”

Lily smirked. Nice. That was her thing, right? Oh, Lily Evans? She’s so nice. Do you know the Muggleborn girl? She’s nice, right?! Never... that Lily Evans, so smart, so capable. But Lily wouldn’t hold it against Maddy. Her intentions were clearly pure. “That’s what they tell me,” she quipped, leaving it at that and not going into the mysterious they. She laughed, then, when Maddy “introduced” herself again. “It’s very nice to meet you, Maddy,” Lily played along. “The Order is lucky to have you.”

And it wasn’t a life. The Order needed life - and Maddy breathed it.

“Well, I wouldn’t say _no_ to being the one. It feels... part of me,” she explained. “In a way I can’t explain. Maybe because he wanted me to join him. Me - not for blood - just for power. And... can you imagine, Maddy? A Muggleborn killing someone like him? The irony! James would’ve loved it!” She laughed at that, realizing for a moment that this was the most she’s laughed in weeks. Maddy’d done that. Lily was glad the girl was here.

Each word that Lily spoke was carefully listened, carefully weighed, but there wasn’t anything in them, in they way she spoke and looked at him as she did so that even suggested deceit. Caradoc would accept them as the truth and wouldn’t demand more from her. So, he nodded to express his acceptance of Lily’s honest words. 

“I won’t ever ask you to forgive her. That would be too much,” he said, because even he could not bring himself to forgive Ainsley. He understood, for the most part, how she had come to do what she had done, yet forgiveness was something that he was not ready to grant and was not sure he ever would. Not without some form of redemption from Ainsley’s part. 

The question piqued his curiosity, and a little frown appeared on his face. “No,” he admitted, shaking his head. “I know you are more or less the same age, so you were schoolmates.” He suspected there could be something more behind it, after all Severus had joined the Death Eaters and Lily was a muggleborn, and James’ group of friends all seemed to dislike Severus to various degrees. But he had not seen anything about Lily in Severus’ mind when he had looked through it. There were boundaries that he was careful not to cross. “I know it might not be easy to work with a Death Eater, which is why I ask. Is there more I should know?” he asked, careful to phrase it thus because he wanted her to know she did not have to share anything that was too personal if she had no wish to do so. Ironic, in a way, considering what he and Edgar were working on.

No, duelling wouldn’t have helped James. Caradoc had no objection to offer there, because it was the truth. Nor could he mention how they planned to work that part of the problem. For now, he focused on getting Lily into the fighting club. “Don’t let Branwen’s words to distract you. She has a lot to teach,” a lot to offer, to everyone, himself included, “and it’s the kind of lessons that can help you out there. But yes, if you pass the test, I’m sure you’ll be assigned to Sirius’ group.”

“Good,” Lily said, raising her chin slightly. “Because I won’t.” While she thrived on forgiveness for most things, it was hard for anyone to gain back her trust after they’d lost it. It took a lot for her to end things with a person but, when she did, her mind was set. It was why Severus could never get back in her good graces. When she’d said those words about choosing paths, she’d meant them.

Lily sighed. Of course he didn’t know. Of course Severus wouldn’t share. “Yes, there is so much more,” she said and her tone held a weary weight to it. She sat back farther in her chair, getting more comfortable, but continued to look at him all the same. She wouldn’t tell him everything - some things were just for her heart... hers and Severus’, anyway - but she would tell him enough. It was only fair. If she were proving honesty, she would do it right.

“Severus and I lived in the same town growing up, just down the street from one another. He was the first to discover my magic and told me all about Hogwarts. I loved him.” She said the last part simply, but did not elaborate on what kind of love. She has never had romantic feelings for Severus, but that didn’t matter. Love was love was love. It was all important. “He’d left out the part about being a Muggleborn, of course, so I was surprised by a lot when I finally got to school. He was sorted into Slytherin, I to Gryffindor and, despite everything, we managed to stay friends for a while.”

She’d never had to tell this story to anyone. She could feel her heart quickening, her mouth dry. “He and James... they had a history, just as Severus and I did. They hated one another, to be honest. James could be... cruel... sometimes. But I watched as Severus changed. It was Slytherin - it was the Death Eaters. But maybe it was more, too. Maybe it had always been there.”

“When I realized that we valued different things in this world, I ended our friendship for good.” She didn’t mention the incident by the lake or the word Mudblood from Severus’ lips. It was that, yes, but it was more than that. Their distance had grown even before he shouted that foul word in her direction. “He might’ve been in love with me. James seemed to think so, but I’m not sure. I think we just... understood one another. For a while.”

Lily sighed, gave Caradoc a serious look. “I think he’s here for me and I’m not so sure he should be trusted. One person isn’t enough to change years of dark magic.”

Remus kept his hold on Lily even as they parted from the hug, his good hand still reaching for her arm to keep her close. There was so much hurt, so much unresolved pain in each of them, all they could do was hold on to each other for now.

“Sirius was at Diagon Alley.” He’d been asking all day, so that’s why he’d heard. Anyone he’d come across had received a questionnaire, once he’d helped them – who did you see, where were they, where did they go. Eventually, he’d gotten a pretty good picture of the state of his closest friends. “It seems he went with Frank, I think he should be safe. I haven’t heard from Peter. But I… he has to be okay. We would’ve heard by now, if not. Bad news travel fast, and all that, right?” He needed that reassurance more than he even knew.

.

Lily sighed, the air from her breath blowing the hair that she moved into her face. She wiped at the tears and the cut on her cheek stung. “Oh, I hope he didn’t try to do anything stupid,” she said about their friend. Sirius would be the person, of course - Lily knew he was rash, even if the words were said with fondness. “Frank would keep him from it, don’t you think?”

James had had a complicated relationship with Frank Longbottom and Lily herself had mixed feelings about the man. But Frank and her had been through things together and, while she wasn’t keen on being the one who was solely blamed for Leina, she knew that wasn’t Frank’s fault. He was an Auror - he could be trusted to help Sirius.

Lily sucked in a breath about Peter, but nodded. “We would’ve heard,” she said. So many had known about James right away - she herself had watched the dot disappear. She shivered for no reason at all and shook her head. These walls of the House of Bones were getting to her.