literally everything is falling apart. what else do i have that im not living truthfully about, because genuinely its strange. caden making me guess at him having a boner then confessing? and then being weird. and then zach stuff as well. what is going on, genuinely. and i didnt withdraw from class yesterday, i literal;ly just. forgot, like i did the first time. i didnt say anything to caden, i didnt say anything to max, i didnt say anything to naomi, i didnt say anything to my classmtaes. i just ignored it and stopped, ads soon as stuff got uncomfortable. i genuinely dont evewn know, but i feel like im losing control over my life, like the mom i sit for i basically ghosted. my friends are all new and i dont nkow if i even like them.
with the zach stuff i just am so confused. i looked back and i did tell him that i didnt wanna do sexual stuff, then he asked for secxual stuff and while i said yes, it is just. what. and then i comforted him through it, like all of it. he curledd into a ball and i comfotted him, and he let me,. or mostly what im upset about is that i let myself comfort him, and reassured him in the moment that i said yes in the moment so it was okay. but i didnt want to have sex, and just in general. him being so hroyn and annoying when he wakes upo horny and im not. lkike get a grip. go to the other room and jack off stop whining. i am not the one who should be facilitating this stuff. and keeping track is just so frustrating, and then my counselor telling me this is normal, i want to die bro. i dont want to live for the rest of my life having to fight off a horny man like my mom. i just want to not ever feel pressured especially by someone who is supposed to love me. like he knows that too. and just before there was so much to process, my family kevin i just shoiv ved it down because i couldnt lose anyone else. also the fact that even when we were t5rying to rebuild he still begged me to hug and kiss STOP. STOP IT HOLY FUCK. i literally want to like hit him thinking about that. and i lket it slide because, why. and even after that, there was masturbation stuff, there was the keeping track recently asnd constantly always having to be sad when he was horny. writing this i am so upset i cant even see love in that. im so sick of crying men, i am not comforting you, for assaulkting and being sexually uncomfortable with me. and the fafct that the cycle was going to start again. idk now that i think of it we started the relationship very sexual and not consent based, so maybe thats what he expects. but no. i am not accepting that. not for me or my future or for my children. i think carolyn jsut has an older mentality of oph yeah men are just like that, which i guess was okay for the time.
theres so much else to unpack here. caden idek. weird he got so strange. i think after Naomi i just really built a habit of just ignoring problems no matter what. but i think i just have a habit of that in general. max also is something im putting off. honestly ive just let everything in my life build up, i dont think i ever wanted to do healthcare, io just did it because i wanted to run away from naomi. zach i juist ignored that even though i knew if i told my friends about my problems they would just stop it. idk. one at a time i suppose, but reading back on this i dont really remember what happened to resolve these things. or if they ever were on his end, and its frustrating that i allowed that to go on for so long.
