365 days of happiness

Don’t hang up

Can we talk?

So confused, it’s like I’m lost

What went wrong? What made you go? 

Don’t pretend you don’t know 

This is me, I’m unchangeable 

When did we fall apart?

Or did you lie from the start? 

When you said it’s only you 

I was blind, such a fool

Thinking we were unbreakable 

It was you and me against the world 

And you promised me forever more 

Was it something that I said? 

Was it something that I did? 

Cuz I gotta know what made me unbeautiful 

I’ve been told what’s done is done

To let it go and carry on 

Deep inside I know it’s true

I’m stuck in time, I’m stuck on you 

We were still untouchable 

It was you and me against the world

And you promised me forever more

Was it something that I said?

Was it something that I did?

Cuz I gotta know what made me unbeautiful

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up

Cuz I’m only dreaming

Get out, get out, get out, get out

Get out of my head now

Because we’re much better, altogether 

Can’t let go

It was you and me against the world

And you promised me forever more

Was it something that I said?

Was it something that I did?

Cuz I gotta know what made me unbeautiful

It was you and me against the world

And you promised me forever more

Was it something that I said?

Was it something that I did?

Cuz I gotta know what made me unbeautiful

You’re the perfect date

Dressed well. Smells good.

Good movie. Good venue. Good talk.

I mean which girl wouldn’t fall for a man that plays her guitar and piano?

And then made love to her affectionately?

And then asked her to stay for the night, fell asleep with her with good music on

And then hugged her through out the whole night

But turns out it was just a perfect date.

Yeah. And that’s all about it.

Nothing else.

Kisses in this era don’t mean shit

Everyone can kiss. That doesn’t mean there’s any emotional investment in it

Maybe it’s just an impulsive act. Maybe it’s just to hook you up for sex. Maybe whatever

So I’m officially turning 24 today.

Still puzzled. Still confuse. Still lack of sense of direction in life.

I still don’t know what I want. What I’m gonna achieve. What I’m gonna pursue. What’s my strength. What’s my weakness. What should I do. What can I do.

I hate this sense of insecurity. But still, I don’t know what to do.

So my birthday wishes for this year is that, I’m gonna take back the control of my life.

I’m not gonna try too hard to impress others anymore. At the end of the day, I can never pleased everyone. So I decided the first and only person I’m gonna impress upon is myself.

Second, I will find happiness back. I’m gonna break out this cage and make myself happy all the time as much as possible. I want to feel comfortable again. I want to have lesser worries. I want to have that quiet sleep again.

Thirdly, I will try my best to contribute back to this world. To help those in need. To make this world a better place. Instead of wasting my time and strength to please those who doesn’t matter in my life, I’d rather just help those who might be experiencing difficulties in their lives and perhaps turn their lives over to better.

Last but not least, I will love him and my family with every inch of my soul, because only till now that I am convinced, till the end of the day, they are the only few whom will stay with me no matter any circumstances and the condition I’m in.

In the year when I’m turning 25, I must look back and thank myself for making this life changing decision.

Even when I’m super tired now, I still couldn’t sleep

It just bothers me to the max that I am leaving my family

I know it’s probably not a big deal considering I’m 23 year old now and I AM supposed to move out from my parents and start my own life if I were to an adult leaving in the western culture

But I just can’t

The thought of my mom being alone in this empty house, got no one to talk to. Only cooking meals for two when she used to cook for five. No one to share her little excitement about the smallest things happened in her daily life.

It just kills me inside.

We had a huge fight weeks ago. Yes, the damage is done.

But I still love her. I still love my parents. And I still don’t want her to feel lonely 

I’m contemplating to sacrifice my personal life to make her happier. I know I will be hating my job and my life for travelling a thousand miles to work everyday. Being exhausted always and having the fear of being late for work every morning.

But I’m starting to think this might be worth it.

I just couldn’t bear the thought of breaking the tiny connections between my parents and I.

I still can’t understand how did my peers all moving out and starting their life so easily without any hesitation.

Don’t you worried about your parents? Don’t you feel lonely for being alone? Don’t you afraid of losing the chances of going back to those whom you are familiar with? Don’t you feel sad about not having anyone to talk to when you back from your work and you can only hide yourself in that rented room, eating the take-away with none of the great taste from your mom’s cooking?

I can totally freak out with all these thoughts

I worried about my mom. She’s the type of mom who will literally lost in the shopping mall which we visit every weekend. I always have to wait for her outside a restroom when we were in a mall because she literally couldn’t find her way back to the mall from that restroom.She often forgot to turn off the stove after cooking. She always forget she was cooking. She doesn’t know how to cope up with the technology and always need my assistance to guide her along. She’s always being fooled by all the promotions ad on newspaper and ended up spending unnecessarily so I have to be there to stop her. She always do not take cautious of her surrounding so I have to accompanied her to everywhere she goes (to prevent her from knocking down by cars, prevent her from bumping into trouble by not being aware of the danger happened around her, etc.) . She gets confuse over complex instructions so I have to visit the doctor with her during every consultation.

What will happen to her when I’m gone?

I can’t. I really can’t think about all the possibilities. All the scary outcome and misery she will be facing when I’m not around to help her.

On the other hand, I need her too.

I need her emotional support. I need to be assured that someone is waiting for me to come home. Someone is going to fix me a meal when I’m tired of work. Someone is gonna sew that button back to my top. Someone is gonna take care of my laundry when I don’t know what to do with those stains. Someone is ready to listen to my rant when I had so much trouble from work.

We both need each other so much, I couldn’t think of the day when I have to break all these apart.

I know this is not a big deal. I know it is actually not that serious.

But I’m at the verge of breaking down.

I just want to escape all these responsibilities and run away to a place where no one knows me. No one could find me.

I won’t even miss anyone I know. Not even my family. Not a single friend. Not even my boyfriend.

I know I’ve been through the same situation before. And I pulled through. I know I told myself the same thing before, had the same feeling before, but eventually I manned up myself and got over it. And feel super proud of myself and ready for the next challenge.

But how long more would I be able to tell myself ‘you will be alright?’

I’m not ok. But I have to pretend to be ok.

I have so many responsibilities to hold up to. From the society. From my parents. From the family. From the boyfriend. From the friends.

It is as though failing on securing a job is not bad enough, my parents still keep adding more and more responsibilities on my shoulder. I am supposed to help out in the chore because I’m jobless. I am supposed to accompany them to anywhere because I’m jobless. I am supposed to be taking care of their needs because I’m jobless. My brothers can easily escape from all these because they are busy with work.

This just makes me want to escape from this house forever and not return. But the only way I could leave is when I found a job, and sadly, I have no luck on that.

With all this stress pilling up and having to entertain my parents at the same time, I honestly have no time to care about my relationship and my friends. I already given up on the friend part, I know. I do hope all my friends will be forgiving and understanding. But for the boyfriend wise?

You can’t just ignore a boyfriend and only to response to him when you are free.

But I really can’t cope with these anymore.

It’s been so long since the day I have the thought of ending this life. The last time I have the thought it was when this fuck boy left me. It took me 2 whole years to get over it.

Major depression. Lost of appetite. Major weight loss. Fell from a top student to the student hold the last place in the class.

I don’t want to experience these all over again. But I know, it is just a matter of time if current situation got no improve.

I kept telling myself I can pull this through. It is just a short phase of life. I will get over it and look back and laugh at myself in the future.