oh The Life of a FanGirl

P2

From the beginning, you were conscious that moving away from the place where you lived your entire life would be anything but easy. However, you never imagined that it would be this hard. It had been less than three days since you relocated to the city of Seoul, and despite the scarce amount of time you spent in the unfamiliar place you still weren’t sure if things would get better.

Naturally, that uncertainty forced itself into your gut and refused to go away. Even now that you were sitting outside your new school in your mother’s car the unease hadn’t disappeared. It had you nervously toying with the sleeve of your blazer. Both you and your mother had been sitting outside the school for around ten minutes, and yet you still found yourself unable to step out of the car. Doing something so simple shouldn’t have been so difficult, but your irrational fears always had a way of holding you back at the worst possible moments.

“You don’t have to do this, Y/N.” Your mother’s reassuring voice seemed miles away. “There’s always online school…”

The harsh pounding of your heart drowned out the rest of her words. It was like a second nature for your mother to be concerned about you, and after Seyeon’s death you couldn’t blame her. Admittedly, you hadn’t dealt with his passing in the healthiest of ways which didn’t help your mother’s own grief.

It’s not like staying hidden away for the rest of your life would do you any good—it also wasn’t an option. Besides, the entire reason you moved was to have a fresh start. Through this move, you and your family were finally able to get away from the prying eyes and ill-natured whispers of the community that once been like a second family to you. It was hard enough to deal with the loss of your favorite person without constantly having to deal with the scathing words of people who didn’t know anything.

“I’ll be okay, mom.” Honestly, the words you spoke didn’t hold much weight because anyone could see that you hadn’t been okay for a long time.

Despite that you still had to give her some type of reassurance. With your lips nervously pressed together, you opened the door and got out of the only for your mother to stop you with a call of your name. The look she gave you nearly had you bursting into tears because you knew her heart felt as heavy as yours did.

“Happy birthday.”

Walking up to the front gates seemed more ominous than it actually was, but that was a given. Your crippling anxiety had only gotten worse after Seyeon’s death. His absence had left you completely alone while simultaneously creating a massive hole in both your life and heart; a hole that didn’t seem capable of being filled.

You took a deep breath, knowing that lingering on those dejecting thoughts wouldn’t relieve your growing unease. Somehow, you managed to push all of the noisy thoughts to the back of your mind and forced your feet to carry you into the large building.

The hallways were crowded and full of loud strangers who—much to your relief—didn’t seem to notice you at all. It helped the unsteady beat of your heart gradually calm into a rhythmic pulse. The lack of attention was also doing wonders at quelling your unwanted feelings up until the moment it was time to walk into the teacher’s office and introduce yourself to your new teacher. In a fortunate twist of luck, Mr. Han’s comforting presence managed to partially stifle your unrelenting anxiety.

Everything was going smoothly until Mr. Han began to review your transcript. At that very moment, a student came into the office and handed your new teacher some papers. You recognized him instantly despite the fact that you had only seen him in the pictures your brother had showed you. He’s much prettier in real life.

Lee Suho, however, did not seem to realize who you were. In fact, the cute boy didn’t even spare you a glance. When Suho went to leave, Mr. Han called out to him. The irate look Lee Suho wore as he looked back at the older man sent a chill down your spine.

Mr. Han remained unfazed. “Y/N is a new transfer student joining our class. Would you show her to the classroom?”

The icy look Seyeon’s friend directed at you was as icy as his tone. “Do I have to?”

“Yes, you have to.”

Suho set his stony glare on you for a fraction of a second before he started to make his way out of the room. After receiving an encouraging nod from your teacher, you hastily followed after your indifferent classmate. He walked ahead of you as if you weren’t ten paces behind him. You furrowed your eyebrows with a slight frown, wondering how your sweet brother could have ever been friends with such a cold boy.

As you caught up to Lee Suho you started to wonder about the apparent circumstances. The way this boy was acting indicated that he didn’t have the slightest idea who you were, and it made you suspect that Seyeon had never actually showed him a picture of you. A lot of idols kept information about their family members (especially appearance) a secret, but you didn’t think Seyeon was cautious enough to not show his friends.

Your feet came to a stop when you realized that Suho was halfway into the classroom. Unsurprisingly, he hadn’t looked back at you once. Staring into the room triggered that familiar tightening of your chest. You took a deep breath as the bell rung and more students rushed into the classroom. There’s nothing to worry about. With your lips pressing into each other, you begrudgingly followed the flow of students into the room.

“Joining our class as of today is Jeong Y/N.” Mr. Han had said to the class as you awkwardly stood beside him. “Say hello.”

Your new classmates greeted you with loud applause and even louder cheers—something you were uncomfortably not used to. In a vain attempt to ignore the nerves biting at your chest, you let your eyes roam around the room. It was then that you took notice of the boy at the edge of the room. Like earlier, you recognized him despite never having seen him in person before. He was Seyeon’s other best friend: Han Seojun.

Apparently, your eyes had lingered a little too long because in the next second, his fox-like eyes lifted up and connected with yours. Your heart jumped up into your throat on its own accord. Was it possible for someone to look intimidating and attractive at the same time?

“The seat next to Suho is vacant.” Your teacher’s voice pulled you from your staring contest.

With a nervous swallow you walked over to your new desk trying to ignore the stares of your new classmates. The fact that two pairs of eyes belonging to Seyeon’s friends were glued to your stature went over your head.

+++

To say that your mother was thrilled when you told her you would be home late because you made some friends that invited you to go somewhere after school would be a gross understatement. She encouraged you to have fun with these alleged friends, no doubt feeling relieved that you were seemingly making an attempt to heal and get back to living with a bit of normalcy. It made you feel that much more horrible about lying to her.

You pushed open the steel door, feeling the cold air hit your face as soon as you walked through it. There was a heaviness in your chest that kept weighing on you with every step you took. Finally, you made it to the edge of the rooftop. Your hands were trembling relentlessly, but that didn’t stop you from lifting yourself up onto the ledge.

From where you stood you could see all tall buildings around you. That was how your eyes zeroed in on the bright billboard sitting atop the building to your left. Seeing the large board wishing Seyeon a happy birthday wasn’t doing anything to keep your already crumbling strength intact. The day had been filled with seeing things like that because they were everywhere. It should’ve comforted you to know that people hadn’t forgotten him, but it didn’t.

“Why aren’t you here?” Your whisper into the wind was tearful and full of heartache. “You should be celebrating with me, oppa.”

Seyeon was born two minutes before you, and you never imagined that there would come a day where you would actually be older than him. The realization hit you like a train because it was completely soul shattering.

Your glossy eyes slowly drifted down until they were locked on the busy street below. The harsh staggering of your heart was almost too much for you to bear. Simply knowing that this was the last thing your brother saw before his death left you in agony. He must have felt so hopeless and afraid. The mere thought had stinging tears blurring your vision.

Why you felt the need to come to this building of all places was beyond you. It hadn’t made you feel any better, not even a little bit. Trying to delude yourself into thinking that the end of Seyeon’s life didn’t turn out so tragic and devastating was foolish. It also wasn’t helping you work through your grief. Your entire body seemed to get smaller once you let out the breath you were holding. Perhaps there was no going back from this feeling that hadn’t left you since that night.

Suddenly, a warm hand wrapped around your wrist and yanked you off the ledge. The scream you let out was nothing compared to the sound of your crash landing. You were aware that most of the blow was buffed by the person you landed on, but that didn’t seem to register in your brain completely until you pulled back and saw the person who you landed on.

Your eyes were wide like a deer caught in head lights when you saw Lee Suho sprawled out underneath you. He exhaled slowly with his eyes closed. “What a relief.”

Those words flipped a switch inside you that made you realize the position you were in and had you scrambling to get off the boy. You were sure from the amount of heat felt on your face that you looked pretty dumb, but you tried not to focus on that. Instead, you focused on the fact that your phone was no longer in the pocket of your blazer.

Because you were frantically looking around the wide space, you didn’t realize that Suho was also standing now. His scathing glare would’ve been enough to turn you into dust if that were possible. Your hand was outstretched to grab your seemingly undamaged phone when a voice startled you.

“What were you doing just now?” Suho demanded.

Your fingers hesitantly wrapped around your phone before you slowly straightened your back out. There was a brief moment where you assessed the damage to your phone, one that didn’t last nearly as long as you hoped. Honestly, you were just buying yourself some time because you weren’t sure how to answer the boy who had “saved” you. Telling Lee Suho that you came to the one place you knew you shouldn’t have gone near because you thought it might somehow give you a bit of closure was out of the question. And so, you turned around and hoped that your face wasn’t still wet with tears.

“Were you going to jump?” The anger and pain were clear in Suho’s voice.

This time, you finally found your voice. “No! I—”

“Are you insane?” His voice was calm, but there was a fierce look in his eyes. The amount of alarm he felt was evident to you in that moment. “Have you lost your mind?”

These days you couldn’t tell anymore. Everyday was a perpetual state of grief and emptiness. You knew Seyeon would be sad to see you living the way you had until now, but the battle against this dark feeling was tougher than most people could understand.

“What could be hard enough to make you want to die?”

That’s the exact thing you wanted to know. You wanted to know what could be so difficult that it kept your brother from coming to you for help. That very question had been on your mind for over a year, and you still hadn’t found the answer.

“Have you even considered how devastated your loved ones would be?” His voice became incredibly raw with what you could tell were repressed emotions. “You know, someone might live in guilt forever for not being able to save you.”

Lee Suho’s words were some you understood all too well. Of course you knew all about the devastated people who were left behind because that was who you were, and as for the guilt, you had that covered too. Now that you were hearing Suho’s words, you knew you weren’t the only person who was feeling guilty about your brother’s death. It was oddly comforting, in a way. To know that you weren’t the only one.

“There’s nothing you can do for a dead person so don’t die.”

You might’ve been able to withstand the awkward tension that had formed between you and Suho had it not been for the fact that the elevator was not in use. It was extremely uncomfortable for you to walk with him down the stairs in absolute silence. Now you knew you wouldn’t be able to look him in the face ever again.

When you two were about to part ways, you called out to Suho. He stopped and turned his unfeeling eyes at you. With a deep breath you said, “The person you’re thinking of wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.”

His eyes widened slightly and you noticed something in his indifferent stare shift. Not wanting to spend another moment with Lee Suho, you quickly walked off in the opposite direction completely unaware of the chain of events you had just set off.

+++

One of the good things about living in Seoul was that now you didn’t have to commute for your mother’s checkups. Her health hadn’t been the best in the last few months, and being near a hospital with way more resources than the one in your small town was a giant relief.

“You don’t have to go in with me.” Your mother stopped you from entering the small room by holding her hand to your shoulder. “I’ll be fine.”

Part of you always doubted her words because you knew she was only trying to act strong for you. Even so, you listened to her without any protest. You walked down the quiet hall toward the lobby to wait for your mother. As you turned the corner, you nearly bumped into someone coming out one of the wards.

Your eyes widened a fraction when you saw a chest clad in the uniform of your school. Just like before, your heart jumped up into your throat when you laid eyes on Han Seojun. His glaring eyes were even more intimidating up close, and you barely managed to stutter out an apology due to the harsh jerk of your heart.

“Are you okay?”

Your heart was pounding with both fear and thrill after hearing his voice. With a nod, you quickly tried to scurry away from the attractive boy only to stop in your tracks when you spotted someone who triggered all the pent up resentment and heartbreak you felt: Lee Joohun.

Unbeknownst to you, the boy beside you had also caught sight of Joohun. His eyes drifted over to you in annoyance because he assumed you were just another star-struck fan. Much to Seojun’s surprise, the dark look you wore on your face was an uncanny representation of all the feelings he felt toward the older man. Then, he blinked and you kept on walking like you’d never seen Lee Joohun in the first place.

Seojun’s eyes bore into your retreating figure. Now his curiosity was piqued. There was something familiar about you, and he knew it had nothing to do with the fact that you were in his class. You gave him sense of familiarity though he wasn’t sure how or why. He might’ve let that go had it not been for the blatant contempt you felt for Lee Joohun.

+++

Making friends didn’t come easily to you, which is why you were grateful Sua, Sujin, and Jugyeong were all extremely friendly towards you on your first day at Saebom. Unexpectedly, they caught you before you walked through the front gates and insisted you join them. The girls were extremely friendly in a way that was comforting rather than overbearing. Just being part of an easy-going conversation was enough to give you a small sense of hope that maybe everything would get better one day.

As the four of you walked up the small hill toward the school, Jugyeong suddenly stopped. You followed her line of vision only to find Lee Suho and Han Seojun standing across from each other. The two boys were glaring at each other with unmistakable hate and anger. Your eyebrows pulled together as you bewilderedly stared at the scene in front of you.

“What’s up with them?” The question slipped from your mouth before you could stop it.

“They don’t like each other.” Sua informed you with a slight tut. “They used to be best friends, but now they’re enemies.”

Sua’s words came like a complete curveball. They hated each other? There were so many questions that you had, but found yourself unable to articulate any of them. It wasn’t any of your business, but for some inexplicable reason you felt like it was. Instead of prying like you wanted to, you followed the three girls toward the school when they became disinterested in the boys.

Again, you didn’t notice how both of their stares unconsciously lingered on you.

During class, you could feel Lee Suho’s eyes piercing into you. It took everything in you not to look in his direction which turned out to be extremely difficult because of the seating arrangement. You could tell that he was still hung up on what he thought he stumbled on the other night. In spite of that, you were too focused on trying to organize your scrambled thoughts.

The day went by without further hiccups until lunchtime. You had unintentionally wandered toward the more secluded part of the building when you came across Suho and Seojun. They were facing each other with the same angry glares they wore in the morning. You winced, not liking that you had involuntarily stumbled on what was very obviously meant to be an A and B conversation.

“Han Seojun.” Lee Suho’s voice sounded tired and helpless almost. “What do you want from me?”

Somehow, Seojun’s glare intensified. “I want you to stay out of my sight.”

“If you don’t want to see me, don’t come near me.” Suho said challengingly despite looking completely unfazed by the other boy. “I have no reason to avoid you.”

“You brazen jerk.” Seojun let out an incredulous chuckle. “But then again, that’s who you really are.”

You weren’t sure what Seojun meant, but you didn’t get the chance to find out because he walked away from Suho. The entire situation confused you. When Seyeon told you about his friends he would always mention the unbreakable bond the three of them had. After witnessing their confrontation, you couldn’t even picture them getting along. It made part of you deflate. Seyeon would never want anyone he cared for to live an unpleasant life, and it was very evident that his absence had affected more than just you and your family.

That was the moment when you came to a decision. It was evident that you and Seyeon’s friends still hadn’t healed, and if you weren’t capable of healing by yourself then having two other people who understood what you were going through might help. All you needed to do was find out why the two boys fell out in order to have them mend their friendship. It’s what Seyeon would want, you were sure of it.