sinjvnโ:
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โ do i hate you? โย his lower lips falls into his mouth and then drops out. his brows draw closer above the crease of his eyes. head shakes, for some reason, his heart also does. it twitches, it tugs.ย โ i donโt think i can hate you, emi, โย he murmurs, and then louder again, โ i donโt want to hate you. โย ย tongue running quick across his lips, heejun begins again,ย ย โ but you hurt me and maybe that sounds selfish because the drugs came from me,ย โย he speaks eager to get it all out, as quick as possible to have her hear it, to understand it.ย ย โย when you told me you needed me. i didnโt think it was that. i didnโt want our friendship -ย โย he exhales through his nose, hates what he has to say next,ย ย โ to be only about drugs.ย โย his hand resting against her cheek has stopped the constant trembling that lingered in his body, calms him for a bit. he is speaking up again and itโs almost like he doesnโt know when to stop, the coke making him more talkative, it also doesnโt help that he is constantly on the verge of spilling everything out, โย something happened when you were away.ย โย he says, half-confessess and his eyes move, shift to the spot where their friends are - clueless to what is happening.ย ย โย and it was hard and i wished you were here with me,ย โย ย i needed you rests on his tongue, but he swallows quickly staring at the features of emiโs face, darting across her eyes, her nose, her lips - and lingering there. he is so desperate for that bit of comfort, for something to take his mind of that he presses forward.ย his lips are moving closer, and then his other hand lift and he is holding her against both side of her face and pulls her in for a kiss.ย it happens so quick. without thought and he moves his lips over her, and theyโre soft, so soft. itโs been so long and he doesnโt want to stop kissing her, but it is as if something out of his control pulls him away, eyes parting, eyes capturing hers, and he is starting to realize what he just done, what he just said. he didnโt even wait for her reaction to any of it tugs, his mind a delirious mess.ย ย โย i think i should go. โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย she feels suspended as he repeats her question back at her, still like one of those mosquitosย trapped in amber, unable to move as she waits for his answer. it feels like an eternity before he speaks again, although she knows it couldnโt have been, and yet emiโs not breathing until his words register. i donโt think i can hate you, emi. i donโt want to hate you. they repeat over and over like a siren, like a record that had been scratched, and sheโs so stupidlyย happy she thinks she might cry. but heโs switching gears too fast, her smile twitching, her emotions struggling to catch up.ย โ i know i hurt you,ย โ ย she manages to say, and her voice is soft, the hand thatโs holding his against her cheek unmoving like she was scared heโd pull away if she let go.ย ย โ but youโre wrong if you think itโs only about drugs. itโs so much more than that. the way i feel about you โโโโโ ย โ ย she canโt finish the sentence, her throat closing has her heart leaps upwards, words sounding strangled as she chokes on it. emi thinks maybe sheโs not breathing right again, like maybe sheโd forgotten to inhale paying too much attention to the boy in front of her instead, the one who had her head spinning in a way she knew had nothing at all to do with the drugs in her system. she exhales, but then heโs talking again, saying things that have her heart lurchingย in all sorts of directions.ย โ iโm sorry i wasnโt there.ย โ ย she hadnโt realized how long sheโd been waiting to tell him that until sheโs said it, the words leaving her lips the way confessions used to as a child at church.ย โ i didnโt want to go,ย โย she continues, but this time her voice wavers, and sheโs smiling but itโs the sad kind, the type of smile that comes right before the tears well up at the corners of her eyes like tiny diamonds. her brain is a mess, thoughts racing past too quick to be sorted, the things she wants to tell him dying at the tip of her tongue because heโs looking at her and she thinks maybe another eternity could pass them by and she wouldnโt even notice because god those fucking eyes do something to her. and then he has his hands on both sides of her face, and her lips barely have time to part in surprise before heโs pulling her towards him, kissing her. emi had imagined this moment about a million times. sheโd daydreamed about it the way you do when you have a crush, girlish andย silly. sheโd longed for it on nights her imagination took her to more private places, the type of dreams that were better suited for the darkness of her bedroom. she used to pray for this in rehab, those long months when sheโd felt a lonelinessย so strong it had nearly killedย her. no recreation of what it might be like to be kissed by heejun, however, compared to the real thing. his lips impossibly soft against her own. the hands on either side of her face suddenly something emi is very thankful for, because sheโs sure itโs the only thing keeping her grounded in that moment, feeling so light sheโs sure she could float away like an astronaut lost in space. and then โโโโโย nothing. heโs pulled away and she feels the loss like maybe heโd taken a part of her with him, too. itโs panic that creeps in first, and she feels the way she did on her kitchen floor that day, except this time sheโs not sure she can take it if he walks away again.ย โ no, โย she breathes, and her arm reaches out to wrap around his wrist before she slides her fingers down into his hand the way heโd done to her earlier.ย โ please donโt go.โ and she hates herself for sounding so desperate, hates herself for the way she canโt even pretend he hadnโt turned her world upside down. โ i need you,โย emi confesses, and itโs what sheโd told him that fateful day, except this time she doesnโt stop.ย โ i need you to stay here. and to kiss me again. and to hold me later when we fall asleep because i hate it when iโm alone. because i want it to be you โโโโโ because i need it to be you.ย โย her eyelashes feel sticky, and emi has no idea if sheโs crying or if sheโs overheating, every nerve on fire as she waits to see if heโd stay or go.ย โ itโs not just about drugs, heejun.โย his name is delicate, something she feels she has to whisper, like if she was any louder everything might shatter.ย โ it never was.โ ย ย














