Emiry's thoughts

i’ve made a habit

“I longed for you for months after you left me, and even though I was prepared for a long time, it broke me down piece by piece. I don’t remember the person I was before I loved you, and I don’t think I’ll ever get her back. And that’s your fault. I made you understand yourself and you made me lose the person I spent years trying to find. Now I’m left with nothing but memories of the person you made me turn into, and I don’t like her. She’s cold. Distant. She’s no longer laughing like she used to and, she doesn’t dance in the shower or sing in her room when no one’s listening. But I guess that’s what you get when you put everything you are, and everything you stand for into the hands of someone else. I guess that’s the reward. You lose yourself but you get to love them.”

“As I sat there, tears rolling down my cheeks, looking at you, as I told you I couldn’t do it anymore, I knew. I knew that there were no way in hell I was ever gonna go through something like that again. And then I told myself that maybe love isn’t always supposed to end up in marriage, maybe it just has to make you feel something. Anything. To shake you a little bit. And maybe the term “soulmates” is just made up by some fools too in love with each other to notice the world around them. Maybe you don’t always end up with the person you love the most, and maybe you’ll never know if you do. Maybe a little love is better than none, and maybe none is better than something that cracks you up from the inside, leaving you empty and heartbroken. Maybe you’ll be in love 52 times, or maybe you’ll be in love once. Maybe the person you marry won’t be the person you’ll love for the rest of your life, and maybe that’s okay. Maybe you’ll meet someone one day, and maybe it’ll only last 3 months, but maybe it’ll be magical. Maybe, they’ll be the love of your life and maybe you’ll never find someone who quite gets you like they did. And maybe you’ll be 13 or 33 or 78 when you come across your first love. Maybe it’ll be hard and difficult and heartbreaking. And you’ll swear to never fall again, you’ll believe your own words even when your friends shakes their heads at you. And he’s gonna come somewhat unexpected and it’ll take you by storm and before you know it you’ll do it all over again even though you swore you’d never. And maybe you’ll realize that things will still happen even though you wish they don’t and sometimes that’s okay, because it’s the things we don’t expect that shakes us the most. And maybe that’s fine. Maybe that’s life.”

“This year I’ll learn how to love myself more than I ever loved you”

““I know he loves her now,” she said, “and I’m only a memory that he tries not to visit too often.” She paused, looking so at peace, but in the saddest way possible. “I guess I just hope that he thinks of me from time to time. When he sees a sunset too beautiful for words, or when our favorite artist releases a new song, or when he passes my street. I just hope that sometimes he remembers what it felt like to be nineteen and so in love that it was almost like your heart might burst. I hope that he smells my old perfume and he can’t shake the picture of me running outside of my house, barefoot, to jump into his arms. I just want our love to still be important, you know? I just… I hope it lingers.” “It sounds like a beautiful memory,” I told her. “How could he forget?” She smiled. “Darling, everything fades with time. Even the most vivid of moments — realizing, for the first time, you’re in love, or your first kiss, or even the day it all came crashing down around you — fade as new moments pass. I just hope I was important enough to last a little while longer.””

“i waited. god, i waited with bated breath for your face at my door. i imagined it night after night. you would knock, and then you’d say, ‘i love you. i’m sorry i’ve been gone so long.’ and i’d forgive you, just like always. except this time you didn’t come back. you just left me here to wait.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for looking into your brown eyes and seeing his green ones. I’m sorry for bringing him up sometimes. I’m sorry that I get nightmares, and I wake up wanting his arms to comfort me, and not yours. I’m sorry that I still have his shirt, even though I should’ve thrown it out months ago. I’m sorry there’s places we can’t go because they remind me too much of my memories with him. I’m sorry that there’s nights I don’t believe you when you say you love me, and I’m sorry I push you too far away. I’m sorry that pushing love away is easier than going through another heartache. I’m sorry that finding true love doesn’t sound that amazing to me anymore. And I’m sorry that I sometimes apologize too much when I shouldn’t, and I’m sorry that I don’t when I should. I’m sorry that you’re not him, and I’m sorry for being sorry about that, because I shouldn’t be. But most of all, I’m sorry that you have to fix his mess. I’m sorry you have to fix me. It’s not right. And I’m sorry.”

“And I wish dealing with heartbreak was as easy as the movies make it seem like it is. But truth be told, heartbreak is not crying your eyes out in your bed, eating chocolate and watching cliché love stories. It’s not doing this whole heartbreak-ritual, and getting up after a week, feeling empowered and stronger. Heartbreak is feeling your throat burning from screaming into your pillow for what may seem like an eternity. It’s breaking down to the sound of his name and it’s keeping all pictures on your phone, but telling your friends that you deleted them a long time ago. Heartbreak is missing him for 6 or 10 months, or even 3 years after you lost him. Heartbreak is timeless. It is not something that get’s easier as you get older. It stings, and it burns and sometimes it makes you not want to live. And sometimes heartbreak does not go away, you just learn to avoid the streets filled with memories and people with the same eyecolor or nose or silly laugh. But it never goes away. And that’s not beautiful. That’s nothing but pure fucking tragedy.”

“i understand that you love them very much but right now you need to love yourself more you need to heal”

“So in the process of moving on, we learn to hate the person we once loved. Because it’s easier to hate them, than it is to deal with the fact that you still love them. It’s easier to keep this cold attitude against them, than it is to realize they’re never coming back, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.”

“It’s his life. His choices. And if he chooses to not love me anymore, then I’ll have to accept this.”

“The hardest part about walking away from someone is the part where you realize that, no matter how slowly you go, they will never run after you.”

“I lost myself trying to hold onto us.”

“Moving on means giving up the hope that you might come back to me one day. And I’m not sure if I can do that..”

“When I am alone, I find myself thinking about you and how much you didn’t love me.”