warm

But like I'm considered a fake butch or non masculine like what I wear is a costume because I'm not a fan of yard work, I don't work a blue collar job, and I'm not financially secure with a career. My job isn't real work because it's a job not a career despite me lifting like boxes on boxes of clothing. Jeans are not light.

But at the same time when I leave my house I'm seen as a man by like 60 to 70 percent of strangers. It's sir, bro, man etc both masked and unmasked. Both short hair, afro, and braids. Sometimes even my voice does nothing they just then think I'm a teenager. It doesn't entirely bother me, it means i blend in a bit and I'm safer to walk around by myself. I've dropped my voice a handful of times to not deal with apologies.

And yet I'm not a man, I don't feel like one or even a substitute for one. I'm a poor substitute anyhow if that's what is expected of me bc of how i look. I asked for a man's help to shake the vending machine. My ego hurt a little but that is because he was just way stronger than me. I still ate my chips. I've heard from studs and butches if you're not willing to be the man in the relationship put down the mens clothes and put on a dress. I hate wearing dresses.

I love makeup when it's not on me. On me I like the process and a few funny photos but it feels wrong to walk around in it. I love styling fem outfits like but wearing a dress i feel like im an elephant in a tutu. I always wish some of their things had a masculine counterpart or there was a way to masc up some things. All of that feels like a costume not my everyday style or mannerisms.

And yet, at the same I don't like the discomfort I feel in bathrooms now. I use the women's restroom unless it's backed up and the men's is empty. But now I feel like an intruder when other women are in the restroom like it's become a game of how fast can I dry my hands and look at the floor. And I never really felt that way so strongly before in the bathroom even in suits. The mens restroom feels like im sneaking into a club i dont belong to. I just always figured I have to use the bathroom why tf do I care. Now I'm worried about mom's with their kids coming to use the toilet and I'm standing there washing my hands. I always worried about someone grabbing security but now it feels more like a matter of when not if.

So I guess all this has me thinking maybe they're right I need to choose. Pick up the t and/or get a welding job or feminize myself uncomfortably everyday and cry at night. Like I'm not hitting anyone expectations of me social hierarchically neither am I gender constructs. And existing as myself is also somehow wrong.

But like I'm considered a fake butch or non masculine like what I wear is a costume because I'm not a fan of yard work, I don't work a blue collar job, and I'm not financially secure with a career. My job isn't real work because it's a job not a career despite me lifting like boxes on boxes of clothing. Jeans are not light.

But at the same time when I leave my house I'm seen as a man by like 60 to 70 percent of strangers. It's sir, bro, man etc both masked and unmasked. Both short hair, afro, and braids. Sometimes even my voice does nothing they just then think I'm a teenager. It doesn't entirely bother me, it means i blend in a bit and I'm safer to walk around by myself. I've dropped my voice a handful of times to not deal with apologies.

And yet I'm not a man, I don't feel like one or even a substitute for one. I'm a poor substitute anyhow if that's what is expected of me bc of how i look. I asked for a man's help to shake the vending machine. My ego hurt a little but that is because he was just way stronger than me. I still ate my chips. I've heard from studs and butches if you're not willing to be the man in the relationship put down the mens clothes and put on a dress. I hate wearing dresses.

I love makeup when it's not on me. On me I like the process and a few funny photos but it feels wrong to walk around in it. I love styling fem outfits like but wearing a dress i feel like im an elephant in a tutu. I always wish some of their things had a masculine counterpart or there was a way to masc up some things. All of that feels like a costume not my everyday style or mannerisms.

And yet, at the same I don't like the discomfort I feel in bathrooms now. I use the women's restroom unless it's backed up and the men's is empty. But now I feel like an intruder when other women are in the restroom like it's become a game of how fast can I dry my hands and look at the floor. And I never really felt that way so strongly before in the bathroom even in suits. The mens restroom feels like im sneaking into a club i dont belong to. I just always figured I have to use the bathroom why tf do I care. Now I'm worried about mom's with their kids coming to use the toilet and I'm standing there washing my hands. I always worried about someone grabbing security but now it feels more like a matter of when not if.

So I guess all this has me thinking maybe they're right I need to choose. Pick up the t and/or get a welding job or feminize myself uncomfortably everyday and cry at night. Like I'm not hitting anyone expectations of me social hierarchically neither am I gender constructs. And existing as myself is also somehow wrong.