elliott 🌾

alexa, play happy xmas by john lennon and yoko ono

I FINALLY GET TO SEE IT

drawing time: 7h

canvas stats:

song reference for the time-lapse:

i really wanted to find a frank ocean song for hunter, and i think seigfried is closely related to how i see him

in germanic/norse mythology there's a hero named siegfried (sigurd in swedish) who bathed in dragon's blood which rendered his skin invulnerable, except for a single spot between his shoulder blades where a falling linden leaf landed. that hidden weakness becomes the point through which he can eventually be killed

in frank ocean’s seigfried he presents himself as someone who may appear untouchable from the outside, while still carrying a concealed vulnerability. the song is about alienation, queer identity/his bisexuality, masculinity, and the pressure to conform. frank considers the socially approved future, a house, a swimming pool, a family, while recognising that choosing it could mean living inside an idea created by other people rather than a life that feels like his own

hunter likely has friends, status, and an established place in bandi as the pastor’s son, but none of those things give him real belonging. that life only has room for the version of hunter that he performs. anything outside that role has to remain hidden, like siegfried’s single vulnerable spot

the repeated admission in the song that he's not brave feels significant. hunter is physically reckless and violent, but recklessness is not the same thing as bravery. he can fight, provoke/bully people, smoke, and yet he cannot openly confront what he wants

seigfried contains the possibility of recognising that the prescribed life is not truly yours and walking away from it. hunter never reaches that recognition in a way that frees him. he senses that the role he has been given is unbearable, but instead of escaping it, he turns the conflict inward. his shame becomes aggression, self-destruction, and punishment

the song shares some lines with elliott smith’s a fond farewell (i added the lyrics to both songs below). the friend in that song can be interpreted as not as a literal person, but as smith’s addicted self, or even the drugs themselves. the title suggests tenderness as well as finality. he's not condemning his former self; he is saying goodbye to a version of himself that once served a purpose, even if it was slowly killing him

a fond farewell contains the desire to separate the self from the destruction: as in this is happening to me, but this is not all that i am. hunter never reaches that distinction. he does not manage to say goodbye to the version of himself built from shame and punishment because he has never been shown that version is worthy of love

i’m not sure hunter ever fully understood that the entity was an entity. he dies still trapped inside the belief that his shame, violence, desire, and self-destruction are simply what he is. but a lot of people do not manage to pull themselves out of destructive patterns, addiction, or family situations/relationships even when they understand what is happening. and doing so without any support is harder still

these are the lyrics for seigfreid and a fond farewell: