Elliot Michaels

“Really good prank, teenagers of Portland —- spray-painting a giant penis on the front door, super clever. Now, I have to spend the first three hours of my shift cleaning off a giant rod, thanks.” 

"You know, I never really understood why people hate it so much… y’know, pull out their umbrellas and start runnin’ for the hills," Fern began, stuffing her hands into her pockets as she strolled along languidly. "I always enjoyed walking home in the rain —— and really, it’s just a bit of drizzle. You’d think folks from Portland would be familiar with it by now, right?”

"I love the rain." Elliot agreed. "Walking in it, driving in it, dancing in it. When I was young I used to put on a swimsuit and run around like a mad-woman during summer storms... I've never even bought an umbrella."

Friendly PSA that it’s World Spay Day. Can you guess what I spent the last 8 hours doing?

Jesus, eight hours of animal genitalia? That sounds terrible. I'm now happy my job doesn't involve any doggy surgeries.

Hmm? Oh —— I’m going to paint my living room. Fun stuff. Finally got permission. Gonna be great. Super….great. 

"Well, that's all the convincing I need."

Wait, wait, wait… their penis? No, no thank you. I’ve never been more grateful in my life that I’m just the DJ, holy shit.

Men can be pretty foul, especially the drunk ones at Sadie's. After being flashed three times I decided to stop taking smoke breaks during my shifts. It's almost like they forget I'm a person and not boobs and a vagina.

What’s the correct procedure when a guy standing outside a strip club gives you a puppy and walks away?

You should consider yourself lucky, Carden. I've had a lot of guys walk up to me outside the strip club and offer me surprise presents. Never once was it a puppy... Or anything but a penis.

I’m not sure I want my name on the sign, maybe something with a witty title or a pun, like tails instead of tales. Oh my god, Who Let The Dogs Out needs to be on replay all day. Right now our receptionist is older so I wouldn’t complain for someone pretty as a receptionist. But I also don’t want a sexual harassment seminar.

But what’s the point without Gin and Juice? There is no point. 

You're right, it wouldn't be the same without all the adult content. At least when you have your own sign, with your name on it, you'll be able to play whatever you want. Like Snoop. And perhaps a little Baha Men? Also you can hire a pretty, friendly young woman to be the receptionist.

He’s got the power cause this is his practice or whatever. But Snoop Dogg would really set the tone for the place.

Maybe you can change his mind. Suggest playing the radio edits instead of the studio versions that are rife with racial slurs and drug references?

Why does my boss keep denying my motion for Snoop Dogg to be the hold music? 

That's an easy one. It's because you are witty and adorable, and your manager is lame as hell. 

"I would absolutely love that. My new apartment here is so lonely, I need a furry cuddle buddy, for sure."