time of our lives

“Please don’t yell. I feel like somebody hit me in the head with a bat last night…”

"Oh, shit. That was my super excited voice."

My horoscope said that a great disaster is coming my way —— so moments after that, I spilled coffee all over my white blouse just before a very important meeting with potential investors, so that was a joy. 

If you think like that, then the bad is going to flock to you. I could put you in a giant hamster bubble to avoid all disaster?

A little snippin’ and snappin’?

 No lie, I snorted. That's the first laugh that I've had all day. It's been pretty sad cause I feel bad. 

Shh, shh, I wouldn’t go in there if I were you—- someone accidentally put whole milk into somebody’s decaf, and let me tell you, it’s like a damn crime scene in there.

I'm kind of curious but I'll take your word for it. This is why everyone should just get their coffee black.

Clogging up the phone lines? Well, definitely, but that’s mostly because I actually am calling for all of my veterinary needs—- my dog likes to eat obscure, inanimate objects a lot, so I’m a frequent visitor. If you guys had a punch card, I’d probably get a free frozen yogurt with my next visit. 

You know I can give you a pamphlet with what things aren't freak out worthy? It might save you some freak out time and less stress ulcers in the future. My boss would probably go for a punch card over my Snoop Dogg suggestion. 

Oh stop, you're making me blush. 

Alright well either way, man. I don’t need any freaky sex cats crowding up my house. Realistically you’re my only hope of ever convincing Evan to get rid of them.

Why won't you love them? I'm on Evan's side for the cats, it's easy to fix the. But if he starts hoarding dogs, then I'll intervene. Dogs are harder to do free fixings.

You’re right, it wouldn’t be the same without all the adult content. At least when you have your own sign, with your name on it, you’ll be able to play whatever you want. Like Snoop. And perhaps a little Baha Men? Also you can hire a pretty, friendly young woman to be the receptionist.

I'm not sure I want my name on the sign, maybe something with a witty title or a pun, like tails instead of tales. Oh my god, Who Let The Dogs Out needs to be on replay all day. Right now our receptionist is older so I wouldn't complain for someone pretty as a receptionist. But I also don't want a sexual harassment seminar.

Mm, I’d actually that’s probably what hunger feels like, darling. As long as you don’t mind listening to me humming Cyndi Lauper and other eighties song all day, your line can have all the Snoop Dogg songs you want. You’ve thought a lot about this, haven’t you?

Hunger hurts, love doesn't feel that bad so I'm gonna roll with the good feeling that gave me. I'm fond of the 80s, I'm not going to stop you, you just have to deal with my singing along. You'd be surprised how much I think about Snoop Dogg being in life. 

Those cats are perfectly fine, just super horny. Evan will think his cats are dying or going missing, I can't let him think that.

Maybe you can change his mind. Suggest playing the radio edits instead of the studio versions that are rife with racial slurs and drug references?

But what's the point without Gin and Juice? There is no point. 

Oh yea, in that case I can maybe understand why your boss would say no. Uhh—that’s gonna take at least a bottle of wine.

He's a stickler cause once you lose the old people, you lose everything. Don't tempt me to go stand in the wine aisle for two good bottles. I need to see it now.

Maybe it’s because people will love it so much that they’ll only ever call just to hear the hold music, and you’ll have an influx of phone traffic for that purpose alone? 

That's a valid point, we don't have a lot of lines at work and we don't need them clogged up. Would you be one of the people?

Ah, it’s all part of my plan to take over Portland, you see. Soon enough, I’m going to plan out Free Pancake Fridays and have a petting zoo… it’ll surely be a multi-faceted strip club.

Free Pancake Fridays? I think this is what love feels like, holy shit. If you do the petting zoo, I can volunteer my services as a part time Vet, but my phone line has to have Snoop Dogg instead of a regular ring.