work hard. stay humble.

so often I get caught up in how my head takes me to the deepest and darkest parts of my life. the sexual assault, the loss of friends, the isolation of the world. it’s so easy to sit amidst the feeling of pain and the gut-wrenching knowledge of exactly where it all went wrong. I wish I could sit in that reality, and the reality I feel it puts me in. but I can’t.

what is triggering these feelings? is it someone? is it situational? it is me. walking through feelings and recounting all the moments in life where you were  reminded that you werent good enough

there are days when living with PTSD isn’t easy. whether its the bouts of trying to feel something... or being overwhelmed with so many emotions that it is incredibly hard to keep track. there are no easy ways to say this, but i’m trying. it may not look like much but i’m giving it all i’ve got an im excited for some level of normalcy to come back to the life that i once had. it all starts when you place one foot in front of the other. 

now, I know that probably no one will read this, but I hope it provides some for of therapeutic benefit for me anyhow. today seems to be a day where  I feel further and further from what I know I should feel. The tiny things that once would be appreciated no longer seem to be recognized from a brain that is slowly shutting down. numb. they say thats a symptom of PTSD, and boy is it ever. the amount of reckless decisions I am making, all with an attempt to feel something again. to feel some resemblence of the life I once held. 

I'm not sure entirely what's going on in my life right now, and to be fair that's not something that's unusual for me. as we approach graduation time within a few short months I'm consumed by thoughts of what could be. where will I be? Will I be at a place where I'm in a relationship again? will I trust people? The odds are no. the odds are, I will continue to struggle with having people with me in life and that's my new reality. I find little comfort in the fact that these things happen to everyone, but I lose interest in the idea of perseverance because it's only gotten me this far. Sometimes finding a will to keep fighting is the last thing this exhausted soul can do. I don't want to burden people with my problems and I want everyone to know it was great while it lasted. 

I wish I could finish this post and see the “joy” in all of it, or see that there was something good to come out of the hell I constantly decide to walk in. But I can’t right now. I can’t see the good. I can’t stop and smell the roses, because maybe amidst the roses the thousands of thorns that cover something so beautiful are there for a reason, buyer beware.

the search for normalcy. to be honest, I am not entirely sure what I am searching for. Is it to feel normal? To feel like the normal person whom I once was, in the days of the past. Is that what I should be striving for? There are days when I long to go back to two years prior to this moment to seek for an alternative route to where I believed my life was heading. I think I am at a point where I am working through regret. Working through struggles of self value and an understanding of my new normal. I think the struggle of perfection continues to overwhelm my judgments and continues to consume the thoughts of worth. I continue to think that I need to be “normal”. I think this is one of the life lessons that I am continuing to learn, that I need to be gracious with myself. That it is okay to feel pain, it is okay to have thoughts of longing for what once was, it is all going to be okay. We are our biggest critics, we are our biggest influencers, we are us. We aren’t alone when we walk through times of change, or self-discovery. We are okay. Being normal, shouldn’t be our end goal. Being you, is what you should strive for. You, and the person who holds value. You, are what is worth living for. It’s you. 

So, I’ve begun to better appreciate the phrase, “life is full of setbacks”. As I begin to enter the final stretch of my university career, it seems that I’ve developed a skill for picking myself up and moving on from circumstances that avoid my control. I’ve been informed time and time again, that this is a skill that will continue to be developed and mastered as I continue to walk my way through life. Whether it be with careers, school, relationships, etc, life is never going to stay stagnant for very long. I guess that’s where we can find the beauty in it. Regardless of your current circumstances, there are opportunities to change and re-route your path. Keep your eyes open, and enjoy the adventure.

linear leg press 720 lbs. let's just say, it brought a crowd. 💪👊👟 #workout #fitfam #weightlifting #pumpiron #muscle

they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not grow faint.

learning to love yourself is not an easy process. but I've started the journey and there is no turning back.

it wasn't a win. But it was for the experience. #torontoraptors #gotoronto #canada #fans #nba #basketball (at Toronto Raptors)