elluhhh

I knew you would've loved the pancakes in that new coffee shop down the street.

I knew you would've cringed with me if I told you about the latest news at work.

You would've laughed with me as I told you stories of my dog.

You would've hated the schedule my volunteer work gave me.

All these things that happened after you somehow hold memories of you, like an old ghost from centuries ago.

You still exist in theory, yet long gone in the real world. Your name still lingers my lungs like all I've ever breathed is you.

but it wasn’t the wedding vows

that made me cry;

it was the knowing

that you'd break every one.

I married you,

and I know I'll never stop wondering

how it feels

That's burning to the ground?

How do I stop reaching for your hand

I wish you’d come back.

Different parts of me want you back

for different reasons.

One part wants you here

so I can finally explain everything

without trembling.

One part wants to love you

the way I couldn’t when I was scared,

when you were half-there.

One part wants to pick up where we left off,

like maybe this time

we’ll get it right.

And one part

God, one part just wants you to come back

so I can finally walk away first.

I don’t know what I’d do if you came back.

All I know is that I want it.

Even if it ruins me.

Even if I don’t know what version of myself

would meet you at the door.

I think it's too early to say, but today I love you a little more.

I may not know what I want when you come back,

and then apologizing

for the mess it made.

Loving you felt like trespassing

into a place

I built for you.

Loving you felt like apologizing

just simply

love docks in for calm

but never meant to anchor;

where they sail off healed

My absence

Gave you peace

I don’t want to trace over your name in someone else’s ink.

I don’t want to let someone else finish a story you started,

So I could light your path

You left so cleanly,

I started to wonder

if you were ever really here.

Because strangers

don’t memorize how I take my coffee.

Strangers

don’t whisper promises in between kisses

Strangers

don’t say stay

then vanish like a passing storm.

So what do I do

with the memories

of a person