SMITHEREENS / Canis Lupus

When we think of catastrophic, heart wrecking moments from our past, is it the pictures in our head from those situations or the feelings that was created during those moments, that scare us the most, that keep us awake at night?

The new year creates opportunities for a new start and new possibilities. If we want it to. A chance to try again, to make it right. To be able to forgive, or give others the chance to make it right. It’s important, not to reduce the power behind the phenomenon ”new years resolutions”. It gives a feeling of hope in us all, an urge to try again, a will to do better. So what, if it lasts only a couple of weeks, it’s the feeling that is the most important, the hope of a change in the right direction, no matter how long it will last. That’s what I like about a new year.

I hate how I 2 years ago wrote "I feel the happiest when I'm here" while I sat in my bed in our cool apartment with crazy roomies in Bushwick, Brooklyn. While now, on a train in Sweden going to a boy who lives somewhere out on the countryside and who makes me really confused, I realize that I probably haven't been real happy since I wrote that line. And it makes me think about how life is never enough. Life is ups and downs and love and hate. But mostly life is confusion. Life is rarely black or white. I would say that life usually is grey. And sometimes there will be moments when life is all colors of the rainbow. An explosion of colors and craziness. But mostly. Life is grey. Life is a grey foggy day where the dementors have totally taken over and Voldemort is somewhere around the corner. A day like that with a few glimpses of hope and sunshine because Harry is still alive. But mostly life is grey. I wonder if the life I have chosen will ever be enough. Life I have chosen is more comfortable than fulfilling. There's nothing wrong with comfortable. But comfortable will never make our hearts beat faster and give us smiles that will last for months. Comfortable means a life in grey and fog, with those few glimpses of sunshine and hope. No explosions of all colors of the rainbow.

Sometimes. This happens very rarely. I think about how caught up we are in life. How we focus on buying those new pair of sneakers, how our body look and why we don’t look as good as all the other girls on the planet. And I feel so extremely week. And ungrateful. Ungrateful for the relationships we have that we keep neglecting because we focus our or time on completely unimportant things. I feel so ungrateful for the fact that I actually do have two legs that work, two parents who love me and friends that care. Because I’m reminded that I don’t show enough appreciation for these things. Instead I’m delighted if I lose another pound, get another like on social media or if someone tells me I look good today. When in reality these things don’t matter at all. These things won’t give you lasting happiness. It’s sad that we nowadays need to remind ourselves to feel grateful for the things we have in life. So if you, like me, realize that you are way too caught up in your own life. Take some time off. Text your old best friend and tell your parents you love them. Go for a walk or a run and appreciate that fact that you actually can move. Give love to the right things in life, and you will receive love. The real kind.

I love bread. I miss los angeles. Chocolate is addictive. I also miss New York. I don't think it's possible to get my dream bod. I wish I was prettier. I like to dance alone.

I question a lot of things. I wonder why people do things. Stupid things (according to me). Like going out for a party in a skirt that's too short. Because it looks good. Like posting selfie after selfie on your snapchat feed. Like wearing ugly clothes. Talking to loud on the phone. Voting for nationalistic parties etc etc. People irritate me. People are stupid. And I'm not better. Because there are probably people out there that think I wear ugly clothes, or talk too loud in general or because I'm running a 30k run this fall. But at least I don't post selfie after selfie on snapchat. I find it hard to understand people that don't work like I do. It is a constant struggle for me to deal with a lot of people. I wish I was more patient. But I'm not. I just think they're stupid. But then again, I'm okay with them thinking I'm stupid. People in general are stupid. All of mankind is actually really stupid.