r h i a.

including. van palmer.

་༘࿐ summary. assorted headcanons of the kind of butch van palmer is.

° ❀⋆. 𝔀arnings. 🔞 mdni. (gn!reader) sfw + nsfw headcanons, lesbian opinions, he/they/she prns used for van, dom!van, daddy knk, breeding. ۶ৎ

BUTCH!VAN whose gender is butch. they don’t care much about pronouns or anything like that. too much to give a fuck about. just butch.

BUTCH!VAN who is all thirty-two teeth. the smiley ever. they're weird and dramatic and unapologetically giggly. they breathe life into rooms, into the ones they love. van is kind, in some innate and radical way that doesn't shake.

BUTCH!VAN who doesn’t know or care about how attractive they are. their charm is genuinely effortless, meeting you with confusion more often than not when you rave about their looks. they say shit like “the art of being funny” when referencing your relationship, as if they’re not equally as gorgeous.

BUTCH!VAN who was born a gentleman. the second she feels a shift in the draft her jacket is around your body, “i run hot anyway, baby. it’s alright.” you haven’t touched a doorknob in years. your wallet stays safe and sound in the house always. she’ll lay face first in a puddle before she lets you step over it.

BUTCH!VAN who gets disgusted hearing you had to do anything by yourself. they can’t be with you everywhere unfortunately, and they find themselves regularly exasperated by the lack of courtesy demonstrated by today’s society (men). what do you mean no one offered to help you load groceries in the car? men used to die in the wilderness!

BUTCH!VAN who fixes everything for you. your apartment’s leaky faucet has never been a match for them. a creaky door, your tech malfunctioning, a button popping off your shirt — they’ve got it before you even mention anything. they blush and fake nonchalance when you name them your personal handyman, earnestly thumbing through an edition of “how to” for dummies later. a love that only wants to make your life easier.

BUTCH!VAN who is buff under all those baggy band tees. they’re not huge, but definitely sturdy. he works out casually, but running a store throughout the work week will do it to you. seeing him in a tank makes your brain turn off in a dangerous way. you stay close during those ninety degree days, overheating more from watching his arms ripple than the weather.

BUTCH!VAN who starts microdosing testosterone. oh my god. his body hair getting thicker, his happy trail. he gets a little chubbier and puts on some more muscle, more stocky. #NEEDTHAT

BUTCH!VAN who carries a very loved photo of you in her wallet. among crumpled receipts and forgotten punch cards; its seen better days, yellowing and fraying from age. she likes it like that. she enjoys the romance of it. when it’s quiet she kisses your face like it’s been years, like your reunion couldn’t be soon enough. she especially loves when someone asks about you and she’s given purpose, rushing to unfold your beauty from her pocket.

BUTCH!VAN who is one of those fine ass older butches that posts reels (he refuses to download tiktok) and gets flooded with thirst comments unrelated to his videos. probably making content about nostalgic media for like-minded forty somethings and ending up here. they’re pretty creative and make him laugh, so he supposes he’ll take the audience he can get.

BUTCH!VAN who likes being called daddy casually. sex is great but it hits for them when it rolls off your tongue on a normal afternoon. they loves its domesticity.

BUTCH!VAN who loves being called your husband, but especially during sex. hearing the title makes his chest swell with pride every time. he could probably cum untouched from it as desperate as it sounds. asking who do you belong to, who’s making you feel so good and getting the broken reply “my.. m-my husband” hits like crack in the eighties.

BUTCH!VAN who swears the strap is real. it is. he's got one of those grinding bases so he feels every second of your body against his. van who can't go back after using an ejaculating strap and watching his cum gush out of you for the first time. the thought of a family stresses him out mostly, but not when you're squeezing around him so tight he can barely move, begging him to knock you up.

BUTCH!VAN who is a giver. she’s an incredibly doting dom, keeping your pleasure her sole focus during your intimacy. even during rougher sessions, when you’re sloppy, knees sore and gagging around her cock or getting manhandled for forgetting your rules — she’ll always make sure you get what you want. she spoils you, really.