kylie elizabeth

Have you ever felt so happy and blissful, yet another aspect of your life is at an all time low? I'm feeling that right now, I think. I'm happy. For the first time in a while, yet there are other parts of my life that allow me to feel a sense of dullness and emptiness. But how could I feel these two feelings at once? I'm not too sure, but it's real. I'm trying to find my way, I think we all are. I'm not quite there yet, but I believe I'm getting closer.

I feel as if I'm at an all time low in my life right now. But, these years are portrayed as all time highs. The amount of times I've heard of these years being "the best years of your life" is countless. Yet, I feel as if everything I do disintegrates into a wishful thought of being better. My days consist of the same thing: waking up, going to get coffee, going to my poetry class followed by my fiction writing class, then studying until my second cup of coffee has emptied. The weekend hits and I do the same thing: go out and find cute boys that I develop crushes on, only to have them kiss me, but don't worry it's most likely followed by silence or finding out they got back together with their girlfriend the next day. I want more than the repeated studying, and circles with boys that want the opposite of what I want. But, I guess that's college.

Never in my life, have I felt more real. Real. But, not necessarily in a good way. Only a few years ago was I living in my childhood home, being fed by my Mom, sleeping under a family roof. Now, I await the next bill coming to my mailbox, struggling to remember to pay it by the due date. Cooking dollar dinners on the stovetop as I wait the approximate four minutes for the water to boil, where I play Shuggie by Foxygen as I cook my meal. Setting my alarm for 8am so I have enough time to stop at Espresso for my morning coffee before my 10am. Coming home to my roommates pushing wine night even though it's a weeknight, and eventually giving in. Going out, and finding the boy I thought looked like my favorite character in a tv show and kissing him. It's moments like these when I realize how real my reality is, but I'm always wanting change. But, should I?

Again