I honestly forget about this blog so it’s hard to update it in real time.
Today I talked to a NIU graduate who is about 3 or 5 years older than me. I find it interesting how we both had big egos and thought we were going to be “successful” artists after college. Our definition for successful seems very narrow. From what I understand from our conversation is that she believes making it is becoming a freelance illustrator with consistent in coming jobs.
My definition for being a successful artist was to be a “somebody.” A “somebody” meaning a person who lives in California working in the animation industry or being a freelance illustrator. I have yet to redefine my definition of “success” so it still pains me today that I am a “nobody.” I wish I could easily kill my large pride and ego, so I can make more art.
I started to post less and less on social media not because of low traction, but because I feel like I need to post impressive and final pieces of artwork. Instagram is no longer about posting behind the scene, but it has become a portfolio website. I also feel like I have to prove to people on instagram that I didn’t waste my college education by studying art. And that’s another reason why I feel like I can’t post anything that’s not professional or “good.” Instagram used to be fun when I was in college, but now I try to avoid it because it makes me feel like I am behind, not productive, lazy, and not motivated enough, However, I keep forgetting that most people around my age feel that same way too. There’s comfort in knowing that, but it’s so hard to get out of that comparison mindset and turn it into a grateful mindset. I know I have come a long way and I am proud of what I have done so far, but it feels like nothing when I compare to someone who has won the society of illustration gold award. :(((
I got off track. Anyways, after texting the NIU graduate for two hours, I felt motivated to paint for funzies. I had no end goal in mind and just wanted to slap some paint onto paper. It was really fun! It has been awhile since I found enjoyment through art. After painting some dots, I had an idea for a cheetah. It didn’t turn out how I imagine it but I enjoyed the whole process of being creative!
Update: I let go of my dream of wanting to be become an successful freelance illustrator, not because I "failed" at ever becoming one, but because I no longer desire that goal anymore. I have changed a lot since graduating college and my interests differ now. Once I let go of my old dream, I became content with my life. I no longer have the nagging voice in my head that said, "I should be drawing right now," anytime I was out with friends or doing anything not art related. I felt free and now I'm able experience the moment without having to worry about art.
