just need to lay my shit out there like this is a therapy session so that I can hopefully stop thinking about this stuff. there will be rambling and idk multiple thoughts
I’ve always been super hyper independent which comes from childhood trauma. I just live life on my terms fuck other ppl. like I always had like some friends, but I only talk to one out of my k-12 friends still & I’ve made a lot of friends here in Korea to the point where some friends jokingly say I have too many (cause my weekends are usually booked with plans) and it’s just cause ppl realize how great I am lol and idk maybe I’m not good at accepting compliments, but I feel like I’ve tricked all these ppl into liking me & that honestly if something happened literally tmr and I was friendless, I would be perfectly ok and that’s literally the hyper independent in me
so anyway, due to this, I knew at a pretty young age I’d probably be alone the rest of my life. I made my peace with that well back into my teens. I’m just not super comfortable around other ppl being in my space for a long time. and if something magical happened and I did end up with someone, I can’t be their mom or older sister in the relationship because I done did all that growing up alr.
as such, even if I tend to be a hopeless romantic, I’m super bad at reading like flirting signs or if someone makes a move I can be quite avoidant and just oblivious. I also think give off a vibe so it doesn’t particularly happen too often
however, since turning 30/31, I have had ppl hit on me more. they’re all quite younger than me because I’ve got a baby face and it happens with girls and guys (I’m birom so doesn’t matter). like I went to a bar one time with some friends and we played cornhole—me v them because I was good—and some girls came and asked if I could show them how to which I did and my friend ended up coming over jokingly upset like why is u flirting and I was like but they just wanted to try playing bruh and then after a moment I was like no u right damn they were flirting huh
usually I just think ppl are naturally wanting to strike up a convo 😭 maybe they wanna ask something or are lost or want me to show them something and I want to be helpful and it’s usually when someone points it out or after the fact that I realize that oh they were tryna flirt actually huh
so ANYWAY, I broke my foot two months ago to this day funnily enough. I missed the first week of the new school year here because of it and showed up with crutches the next week after my surgery. there’s a guy on a contract who comes and teaches a pe class twice a week (Thurs & Fri) and when he saw me he was like 😳 and asked what happened. before that, we didn’t really interact besides a smile and a wave. but my new schedule means that I do interact with him more every Friday because he teaches some of my students and I need to pick them up
also my manager asked me to make sure my kids are more calm in the hallway, so after, I make them sit outside the gym and calm their bodies before we go back to class & then he and I will start talking a bit. he ended up asking for my ig and we found out we have a mutual cause she teaches at another school he goes to Mon and Weds apparently
so we’ve been learning a bit abt each other through our like 5min convos & at this point I’ve kinda had an inkling he’s been showing interest & on Friday we were sitting and we’re talking about our weekend plans. and I showed him something from my ig because it was related to my plans & he ended up like gently putting his hand on mine as I held my phone so he could see better and said that after a thing he has to do in June, we should go on a hike together, and I was like bruhhhh and since then I’ve just kinda been short circuiting.
not in a bad way. like he’s cute and nice & I’m always down for a hike, I’m just not used to that kind of attention and esp not used to noticing the attention right away and idk bruv we’ll see how I handle that
then also, on the way home literally tonight with some of my coworkers, but one of them had called me pretty & I can’t remember what exactly I had said (maybe something along the lines of oh it’s nice that u think that) but then she was like oh I *know* ur pretty and I was like damn I don’t think I’ve ever really been told that outside of the literal children we teach like idkkkkkkk
what’s in the water and how did my life start to take this turn in my 30s