~e.s.s.

Do you ever get a flashback of our time? Just Like that, out of nowhere, while going through your day?

A memory of your hands stroking my hair while you work late at night on your assignments.

A feeling of my lips on yours while you drink your morning tea.

A smell of my skin when you wear that t-shirt I bought for you.

A sound of my voice in the moment when one song ends and the next one is just starting.

An image of me crying in your arms when it is raining and you have to leave your bed.

My laughter when you walk through a city and you see a girl playing with a dog.

Because I remember your lips every time I put that purple lipstick on.

I think about your smell when the t-shirt I stole from you comes from a laundry but it smells nothing like you anymore.

I think about your eyes when life becomes too much and chocolate is my only savior.

I think about your skin when I lay in my bed, barely clothed, feeling the soft bedding against my body, and I wrap myself in the blanket even more only to feel like I am embraced in your arms.

I hear your voice when I get lost between the aisles at Tesco, looking at pointless products, thinking what jokes we could crack about them.

I think about us while living my life, away from you.

And I wonder, everyday, how different things would be if there wasn't the distance between us.

I wonder, how my morning routine would change if not waking you up would be my priority.

I wonder, how coming back home would feel when a dinner with you would be the last thing on my calendar of events for a day.

I wonder, how calls with my parents would look when you would be the first one they want to talk to.

I wonder, how my friends would interact with you once you open the door of our apartment, offer them a glass of wine, and take their coats.

I wonder, how many meaningless arguments about an aroma of detergent we could have, every time we go to a drugstore.

I wonder, what is the comfort food from back home you would teach me cook first - is it a family secret or just a dish your mom put together once you were sick as a child?

I wonder, how many layers of sweaters you would make me wear once the thermometer hits zero, repeating that it's fucking freezing outside.

I wonder, what is the song you listen to on the first snowy morning - is it a happy one because the world never looks as beautiful as when covered in white, or is it a sad one because you never learned to love cold?

I wonder, whether you are able to drink more cups of tea per winter day than I am - and what is your favorite one? Would it be the green one I always buy or a random fruit one we were given for free

I wonder, whether you would still let me sleep on the left side, as the last time, or you would literally wrestle me over it.

I wonder, whether our fights would happen less frequently - and when they do, would my tears fall the same, or would your arms wrap around me, and our hearts whisper not to worry?

I wonder, how your body language changes when an anger strikes through your body and the words of love get stuck in your throat.

I wonder, how your touch feels after the hearts been broken.

I wonder, how kissing you feels when my lips try to erase the tears traces from your face.

My mouth has refused food

My arms turned down hugs

My mind has forgotten the meaning of happiness

My lugs have inhaled nicotine

And my blood turned into alcohol.

And I still wonder,

Whether eight months can turn into eight years,

And these in eighty.

Or whether,

Eight months will become insignificant