Jin frowned. She was not exactly sure she would find GRADIENTâs last member here. The people who would play here tonight...
They were an underground niche band. A rock band.
But Miku said it was the one, and the flutist trusted her. She really wanted to believe that finding this last member would resolve her friendsâ problems.
There was not a lot of people who came to see the band. As expected... it was surely just high school students playing for fun.
But suddenly, the whispers of the crowd stopped. Three boys and two girls walked on the stage.
And she felt it. Instantly. From his first step to the end of the show, she knew it was the one.
âWe are Acrophobia! Letâs start, one, two, three!â
The drummer, a tall boy with dark hair and a mole under each eye, had yelled the bandâs name. And the first song started.
Acrophobia. The fear of heights.
Jin already knew he was scared of falling too.
The song wasnât actually bad. The members were synchronized. They had a good harmony.
The main singer and the guitaristâs voices were getting along well. Between the tall blue-haired girl and the purple-eyed boy, there was some kind of⌠alchemy?
Same thing for the other members. The bassist, a girl with short dark green hair and dark skin, was wonderfully leading the band. The keyboardist was really good as well. Jin couldnât stop looking at this talented short boy with light blue hair and golden eyes.
But, here the problem was. The drummer.
He was good.
Really good.
But his way of playing⌠it was suffocating. At some point, the white-haired girl couldnât hear anything but him. But his thoughts.
It was as if every rhythm of the song was a terrified scream.
Jin felt like she was getting hit by despair. The fear blocked her lungs, she couldnât breathe anymore. All her senses were blocked, her whole being was just desperate explosions on drums.
âMake it stop, please, just let me feel anything⌠Let me feel alive again!â
She didnât even know if whose thoughts she was hearing, his or hers?.
It felt like a second and a year, and the first song ended.
She could finally think. The air was tense, filled with energy...
Everyone was having fun, she wasnât. Jin knew the drummer was GRADIENTâs last member. And she knew it wouldnât resolve her friendsâ problems. Or his owns. Or hers.
âThanks for coming tonight! This song will be our last, so enjoy! Sweet Paralysis!â
âOne, two, three, four!â
And a new song. An other⌠How many since the show started? How much despair? How much fear had she already faced?
And more thoughts came.
And more fear.
âPlease, let me feel something!â
More thoughts, more fear, more thoughts and more fear and more thoughts more more more more thoughts fear scared thoughts
why canât I
feel anything else
than
save
I
have to save
fear
I have to save them all
I am going to die
I will
save
die
sink
die
save him
save my life
die
help help help he el p
he needs
help
to be saved
help
why
why
why why why why why why why am I empty I am so scared I am empty and I canât feel and I canât do anything why why why do I feel so much fear why am I so cold? am I dying Iâm suffocating Iâm why why why
falling
sinking
sweet paralysis
fear fear fear fear fear
fear paralysis
why why let me feel less fear and less thoughts
music paralysis
âBreathe. Youâre doing well.â
Jin blinked. She gasped and oxygen finally got to her lungs.
She was sitting against a wall, a few meters away from the crowd. The green-haired girl was ending the live show. Sweet Paralysis was over. The concert was over.
A white-haired boy with yellow eyes was in front of the flutist. Well⌠it wasnât actually white hair. It was a very, very light blue. He was looking like a high school student, like her.
His skin was pale, so pale⌠He had some freckles, like Chieko. Less than Chieko.
Chieko. GRADIENT. The drummer.
Suddenly Jin remembered.
âYou scared me a little bitâŚâ the boy continued. âI was having fun, then I turned my head and saw a girl frozen, her mouth wide open. Are you scared of crowds?â
âNoâ, she answered. âDidnât you feel it too?â
âFeel what?â, he asked, tilting his head. âAnyways, Iâm glad to see youâre fine. I really love Sweet Paralysis, you know. My twin has a solo in this song, heâs the keyboardist of Acrophobia!â
He was talkative, but not for the right thing.
âYou didnât feel it?â, she repeated. âThis intense feeling of fear in the air? Didnât you notice how the drummer was screaming his panic?â
âThe drummer⌠youâre talking about Otoda? Heâs a very talented guy, you knowâ, the boy commented. âBut no, I didnât feel anything⌠Must have been you. You made a panic attack, thatâs pretty normal to feel fearful when it happens. My brother has made a panic attack once⌠It was very scary. For both of us.â
Jin smiled nervously.
âOkay, thanks⌠uh...â
âHanae! Hanae Shun. And my brotherâs Mikoto. What about you?âŚâ
âKashi Jin, you can call me just Jin. Nice to meet you, Hanae! Thanks for your help.â
She had no time for small talk. She had to find Otoda, and make his intense fear and loneliness disappear. It was a matter of life or death.
Hanae tried to speak again, so the girl gave him her number. She said sheâd love to talk later, but that she needed to do something urgent.
Which was actually the truth. Jin was a very bad liar, so she had recently decided to always say the truth.
She got up â wait, she was on the floor this whole time? - and rushed to catch Acrophobiaâs drummer. Where was he? He couldnât have left that quickly⌠Where the hell couldâve he been⌠Oh.
âRiku, do you really think you can keep playing like that? Weâre a band. A group. So if you want to play to have all the spotlight on you, go ahead and play classical music!â
âShizuko, IâŚâ
âShut up. Do you really think no one noticed? You play louder than everyone else in the band. Youâre the drummer. Nothing more than the drummer. You and me, the bass and the drums, weâre here as servants. Without us, the others couldnât play, but we are not in the spotlight, okay? Kawasaki is the singer, sheâs in the spotlight. Shimizu is the guitarist, heâs in the spotlight. Hanae is the keyboardist, heâs in the spotlight too. But weâre here as a base for the band, so stop trying to bring all the attention on yourself.â
Jin hid behind a wall. It was impolite, but her name was not Setsushi Chieko.
âYouâre wrong, Iâm not trying toâŚâ
âI said shut up. If you do that ever again, be ready to see a new drummer at Acrophobiaâs next concert.â
And the green-haired girl, whose first name was apparently Shizuko, walked away from him. When she arrived where Jin was, she roughly asked:
âYouâre listening to people when theyâre having a private conversation? What are you, twelve?â
The flutist wanted to answer, but before she could, the bassist had disappeared.
...Letâs not bother ourselves with her. Sheâs mad.
As soon as Jin made this statement in her mind, she heard a noise. She turned her head and saw Otoda leaving. No, no, no, no.
He wouldnât escape that easily. She had to talk to him.
The girl yelled his name.
He turned around, surprised.
He looked at her, she was already looking back at him.
And somehow, it was as if they both knew.
They had known from the very start.
From his first step to the end of the show, they knew.
He would go ahead and play classical music.
âThereâs no way Iâd join a classical music group!â He crossed his arms. âHave you seen my face? Do I look like someone who plays at recitals in front of rich kids who judge my smoking and my vibrato?â
âHave you ever considered the fact classical music is not just for the elites?â
She was trying her best to be patient. Really.
âOh, really? Not only for the elites? Then, whoâs with you? Setsushi Chieko? The fallen angel? Yourself, Kashi Jin? Daughter of a family of politicians? Aoyagi Hideki?â. He bitterly chuckled. âWait, never mind, I donât know this one. It must be another random guy Setsushi and you invited to make fun of. You know. Having two ugly friends so you guys seem prettier.â
Jin closed her eyes for a second. She took a deep breath.
âDonât you dare talk like that about Chieko or Hidekiever again.â
Her face mere inches from Otodaâs, she continued, looking at him dead in the eyes:
âThey are my friends. My best friends. Do you understand that? Oh, or maybe youâre convinced youâre the only one who has problems? Youâre scared, so you decided youâd never move on? Youâre terrified, so you stopped trying?â
He froze. Jin slowly made a step back, and crossed her arms too, challenging.
âHow do you know that?â, he whispered.
Ah. He had finally decided to lower his voice. Good. Finally they could talk.
âIâve felt it, during your show. This intense feeling of fearâŚâ, she shivered only by thinking about it again. âI felt like I was drowning, and I knew this sinking feeling was coming from you. As if it was emanating from youâŚâ
âWhat the hellâŚâ
âThe thing your leader was talking about⌠Youâre not wanting to have attention, youâre screaming to make the emptiness go away, right?â
The more she talked, the more Otodaâs eyes widened. He stammered, before asking:
âWhat⌠Who are you? How do youâŚâ
âKashi Jin, nice to meet youâ, the white-haired girl smiled. âAnd letâs say⌠I know some people who could help you, butâŚâ
She sighed, looking down.
Then looked back at him, a wide smile on her face, her arms still crossed.
âUnfortunately, theyâre either an elite or Iâm just making fun of them.â