I foolishly hoped that time would have given everyone the incentive to move on from stalking and harassing me, but it seems that is not the case. I have an IP tracker on my blog, which I put in place a year ago when I started getting anon hate again. I can see every time someone visits my blog from browser, which most only do when they're blocked. Everyone else can access it right from the dashboard so there's no need. I can see all the visits to my ask box to see if anons are off still, all the dives to my talk tag, my art tag, specific posts, etc. I can see it all, and I can see the approximate location of the IP address of the person visiting, so I know exactly who it is. It's really unsettling, honestly, being monitored like this, especially when it's being done by more than one person. I was under the impression that letting them know I could see what they're doing would get them to back off, but it didn't work.
The time has come for me to say goodbye to this fandom. I know I said that I was leaving tesblr the last time and ended up coming back, but that was before I realized how dedicated these individuals are to making my experience here uncomfortable and unbearable. I don't know what sort of unhappy business is going on in their lives that they decided I'm who they need to take it out on, but I've realized that nothing else will get them off my back. It's been two years. I've asked to be left alone. I offered a truce like we're in fucking high school instead of grown adults. I admitted my own wrongdoing, owned up to it, and hoped against all hope that I would be able to put this behind me, but that's apparently never going to happen so long as I stay on tesblr.
To those who pushed me to this point, I really do hope you feel like you've accomplished something here. I hope you get everything you deserve and then some, and I hope no one else ever falls victim to you ever again. The absolute hell you've put me through the last few years due to your inability to regulate yourselves has been nothing short of draining and I am so fucking tired. I am tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells over posting fanfiction and drawing fanart for a video game that is over twelve years old. I'm tired of wondering which post or chapter is going to be the next one that incites more harassment and feeling like I'm doing something wrong simply by choosing to express my love for Skyrim through art and writng.
I hope you feel better about yourselves for driving someone to this point. I hope it eases your insecurities and petty attitudes (because we all know that's exactly what it boils down to) to know that I'm no longer present on tumblr. My suggestion would be to learn how to manage them, but you've made it very clear that taking any sort of accountability is above you.
I am asking you one final time to leave me alone. Keep your hateful nonsense to yourself and let me exist in what little peace I have left.
To my mutuals and followers, you can feel free to DM me if you'd like to stay in contact, as I'll be logged into this blog for a while longer for that exact reason. I can't think of any reason to deny someone, but please understand that if I do, it's for my own protection. I have been followed and monitored across several different sites and I need to do what I can to ensure my peace of mind. You're all delightful human beings and you made this hellish space a whole lot better than it could have been. The love and support I've received means everything to me and I appreciate all of it. Even if we don't talk much, feel free to reach out before I go.
On that note, a wonderful friend who I met tragically late into my tesblr experience recommended I keep this blog up in case I ever want to come back or revisit old posts, so it will be staying. I'll still be posting on AO3 for the time being, but honestly a part of me wants to move on for good. That feeling has been coming and going for a long time now, so I suppose we'll just have to wait and see what the future brings. It honestly really upsets me that it's gotten to this point because I love sharing my story with the TES fandom, but everyone has their breaking point. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I will never ever let what happened here soil my love of writing or my love of these characters and the story I've chosen to bring them to life through, but I have come to a point where I have to wonder if it's still worth it. I have a novel in the works, and I would like to be able to focus on that more, which is why my decision regarding the fate of my fanfiction is still very tentative.
Finally, thank you to everyone who took the time to engage with me and allowed me to share my creations with you. I've made some great friends in this fandom, several of whom I know our friendship transcends fandom spaces. Somehow, making this choice a second time was harder than the first time. Maybe it's because back then, I knew I'd eventually find my way back and still thought time would be on my side. This time, though, I know it's time to say goodbye to tesblr forever. Thank you all for sharing your creativity with me and allowing me the pleasure to get to know you, your art, your writing, and your OCs. It was truly a wonderful experience and opened my eyes to how awesome original characters can be. There was so much creativity and love being poured into them and I hope you all know how cool of an experience it is to witness that happening.
Feel free to DM me if you'd like to keep in touch.
-Kel
