THE HAND THAT FEEDS ME BIT ME FIRST

I live in an extremely Mormon community in rural Northern Utah. I came out as a trans man as a teenager, about 10 years ago. My neighbor— someone who I had always known as a traditional Mormon woman in her early 40s, a devout housewife, a mother of several children, a valued community member from a very important family in our area (her brother is literally the mayor of our town), and at most SLIGHTLY more reclusive and quiet than most of the bigshots in our community— quietly told me on their front porch one evening that they have always seen themself as a man.

They wistfully told me about their college years, where they were involved in the lesbian community, before in their early 20s realizing that it was “more” than that. About how they only moved back home and got married after their college degree because the thought of being a disappointment to their family, and being disowned, felt impossible to cope with. So they got married to a man that they admit they don’t feel any ounce of attraction towards, and had several kids, and they’re not quite the pride to their parents as their siblings (due to being slightly more reclusive, not really having friends to speak of that aren’t just church ladies that they work with, and, admittedly, always seeming a bit depressed to me). They said that they were proud of me for doing what I needed to do, though, and they were happy that my family at least wasn’t disowning me.

Nobody else in our community knows. Not their family, not their husband, not their kids, not the people they do church outreach with.

And whenever I read stories of forgotten trans men, I always think of them. They’re still alive! They’re still here! And nobody but me will probably ever know! And if I hadn’t come out in this tiny little community, I’d never know either!

Idk. Sorry for the vent/rant. Thank you for listening. It crushes me to be the only one who knows them as a man, sometimes.

and being a housewife in a conservative environment is pretty important here as well; both anon's Mormon friend and Lou's mother were in a culture where the pressure to be a wife and mother were very strong and the expectation to get married and have children as soon as possible is heavy. in many cases (historically in the US and historically and presently in other places) people classed as women were legally discriminated against in terms of having a bank account, getting a credit card, taking out loans, or even being able to travel without a male relative. and that last one also IMMENSELY limits the ability for transmasculine people in such regions to organize communally as well.

so a trans man in this environment is in a situation where he is the primary caretaker of a child if not multiple children as well as performing the duties of a wife, having little to no formal work experience (only years of unpaid domestic and reproductive labor #WAGESFORHOUSEWORK), is entirely dependent on his husband and community who will reject him, if not subject him to corrective/punitive violence, should he come out, not to mention the economic burden of divorce. and then either have his children taken away from him and told their mother is schizophrenic or possessed by demons, or try to raise his children on his own as a single parent?

Saint-Paul Prison, 1932. Photographed by a dermatologist in Lyons.