Election Tips (Australian Edition)

… stay glued to the TV on election night, to see if you can spot your vote being counted in the election coverage.

… the “Australian Democracy Drinking Game”: take a bottle of hooch with you when you go to vote, and enjoy a swig every time a volunteer approaches you with a how-to-vote card or to sell you on their candidate — or tripple-swig if an actual candidate speaks to you. The aim of the game is to make it to the voting booth before passing out.

… if you want to have a genuine democracy sausage be sure it has the bovine mandate.

… voting below the line may reduce your life expectancy, but for every vote above the line a cute puppy drops dead.

… to improve elections, use the over-the-counter drug “Liagra”, which is specifically designed to overcome electile disfunction.

… it’s no good demanding change at the ballot box… they don’t keep the cash there.

… if you cannot make a rational choice at the ballot box, use irrational numbers to indicate your preferences, e.g. π, e, √2, etc.

… if you don’t like any of the candidates on the ballot paper, return it and ask them to reshuffle the ballot pile and give you a new one from the top.

… take a stand this election… I recommend a book stand since it’s easier to carry into the voting booth than a conference stand or a fast food stand.

… A.I. has proven it can drive cars more safely than humans, maybe we should let it vote for us as well.

… a donkey vote may not be wise, but taking a donkey with you when you vote would certainly make it more legitimate.

… spread a little election cheer and stuff your postal ballot envelope with glitter.

… your vote will be more democratic if you write your preferences using Ancient Greek numerals: Α, Β, Γ, Δ, etc.

… vote 1 because we don’t want it to be lonely.

… if you find yourself agreeing with a candidate, you should seek medical attention.

… let fate decide your vote. Take a mini roulette wheel with you to vote, and have a spin to determine each preference.

… don’t waste your vote. Eat it all up.