i should not be left to my own devices.

.

It was always a gamble, the tango with Elaine. A game of Russian roulette. And it was addicting. Where substance alone could not make a home, the inability to predict found its way in. Cruel or kind? – She could not say it, and how hard she would try to avoid thinking it, but it was not unlike Lux. The real Lux. The Lux who didn’t just parrot her every thought – oscillate between saying what she wanted to hear and saying what she truly thought (though the two often went hand-in-hand).  Cruel. Or, rather, petty. She should not have supposed much else – had they so much as spoken more than two words to each other since Candy (hm…) dropped the bomb? There were complexities to Elaine and Lux, that much she… had a strong inkling about. So, if it were bad news bears™ around the folks less close to Lux? Very bad news bears™ around those who had orbited around her. “Alright.” Dismissive. Passive. Aggravated. Time for a dance. “Do you want me to give you a tutorial sometime? I mean, you could definitely use one.”

❤️‍🔥

“How to look like a raccoon 101? Yeah- I’ll pass,” she scoffs, pushing her food around her plate, “So not my taste.” At least, not for herself. There was something about the way it looked on Alice that actually worked... not that she would ever admit to it. Sometimes she wondered what it would be like to experiment with her look, to go to a clothing store or a makeup counter and not pick things out based on what she thought her mother would say. In turn, she wondered if Alice’s new(ish) look was because that’s who she’d always been on the inside or if it was just as far away from who she was that she could get. And still, Elaine couldn’t imagine herself in leather and smudged eyeliner. 

“I was just trying to make conversation- you can put the claws away.” 

School had never been Elaine’s thing. Even as a child there had been pits of despair in her stomach whenever she was handed an assignment. It was less about the actual work and more about the perfectionism that plagued her and her inability to live up to the expectations that had been set for her. There were hours spent at the dining table, up to her elbows in eraser shavings because the project was never just right. Tutor after tutor who threw their hands up in exasperation when all of their tricks failed, when months had gone by and she still wasn’t getting it. Her grades were never terrible, but they hadn’t been great either, something she was reminded of at the end of every school quarter. No one really knew any of that, though. Nobody would expect her to struggle so much, nobody would guess that the thought of bringing home her SAT scores had ended with her breathing into a brown paper bag. 

She’s been twisting her hair around her fingers for the past twenty minutes, eyebrows knit together in intense focus as she continuously tried and failed to solve the math problem on her paper. She’s stuck again and erasing her work again when the eraser catches on the weakened paper and tears it right in half.

 “Fuck this,” she huffs, slamming her book shut, “I need a drink. What do you say?” 

There were days when Elaine had gone years without spending more than twelve hours away from Harvey, where time seemed to simultaneously stretch on forever and fly by. Goodbyes of “just one more kiss” and waking up in the middle of the night to Harvey’s soft breathing on the other end of the phone. Always touching when they were close enough and throwing knowing looks at one another when they weren’t. Being able to read one another’s minds without having to say a word and burrowing in the warmth of letterman jackets and promises of forever. These days, Elaine couldn’t be sure of the last time she’d seen Harvey off of the football field. She was less sure of the last time they’d seen each other without it ending in some sort of argument. And then there was the matter of the, frankly insane, AIM message she’d sent begging for him back- impulsivity taking over the way it always did. 

It would have been wise to ignore the fact that they were the last two in the library, but Elaine never had been able to resist getting caught up in his gravitational pull.

 “Looks like your face and your hand healed up fine...” 

It wasn’t often that Elaine Archer felt jealous of anyone else. After all, she was the one people were jealous of- not the other way around. She was the one with the perfect looks, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life. Or at least- she used to be. So as strange as it was for that little green monster to make a home in her chest, it was even more strange that it has its sight set on Alice Alder. The other girl usually wasn’t exactly on her radar, even before her total disaster makeover she’d been more of a friend-of-a-friend. But ever since Alice’s secret had been spilled, ever since Elaine found out she could see Lux, her throat had nearly closed up whenever they were in close proximity. And of course she knew it wasn’t real, but it didn’t seem fair that Alice could conjure her up whenever she wanted while Lux refused to visit Elaine even in her dreams. 

Elaine isn’t sure how they wound up sitting across from one another at the dining hall, or how long their silence had gone on, but she has that awkward feeling in the pit of her stomach, the one that forced unfiltered thoughts to pop right out of her mouth. 

“So... do you put your eyeliner on like that on purpose or what?” 

🌱

Rory’s soft-hearted and thin-skinned. It’s not hard to hurt her, it’s just that most people aren’t actively trying. Most of the time Elaine gets under her skin and it hurts, but this time it just makes her pissed. More than she’d even expected to be during this conversation. It’s that same intensity that is her cousin’s lifeblood- and oh, that’s why. Because Elaine’s fingerprints are all over Zahra’s broken heart, and Rory’s not even sure she’s looked in her rear view mirror to see the damage she’s done. She won’t watch her do it to Zev too. 

Her fingers curl into fists at her side, knuckles white. “Yeah, I do, actually,” she bites back. The next words are acid in her mouth but she spits them anyways, because it’s for Zev. “Because if you don’t, I’ll tell Zev it’s not real, that you pretending to like him is just as pretend as everything else Cherry Proper’s Perfect Princess does.” But here she softens just a little, because even angry, she’s still Rory. “I won’t tell him why. But he’ll believe me, even if I can’t explain. If you know him at all, you know he will.” 

❤️‍🔥

Elaine isn’t sure if Rory is right or not- if Zev would back out of their agreement at the other girl’s insistence. She doesn’t have the heart to follow through on her threat of exposing him, she’s not sure if she ever did, but there was no way he’d realized that. She’d found a soft spot for him, not romantic of course, but a kinship she hadn’t expected. It almost made her regret not getting to know him better sooner... almost.

Rory doesn’t seem like she’s going to budge, no matter how much Elaine yells and screams and threatens, so there’s only one thing left to try. An old trick to dust off- that stupid elective acting class had to be worth something, right? “I get that I’m not like, the nicest person or whatever, but I-” she forces a break in her voice, tears to well in her eyes, “I never thought that I’d be able to- to feel that way about anyone again. I mean- the last time I fell in love... well, you remember. So please don’t... don’t ruin it over some stupid rumor you heard about me. Please.” 

🌱

Rory catalogues the expressions that cross Elaine’s face before she can compose it into something familiar and mocking. “You do,” she insists, her voice steady and sure. It’s been over a year since she heard Elaine’s secret spill from Lux’s lips that late night in the library, and she’s had a lot of time to think about it. “I don’t care or anything,” she shrugs a shoulder, because Elaine being a lesbian really doesn’t matter to her. She probably never would have brought it up, if Zev hadn’t become involved .. “But he’s my best friend, and it isn’t fair to him. I don’t want him to get hurt just because you need a guy to…” she trailed off uncertainly. That was the part she hasn’t been able to put together. Why was Elaine stringing Zev along? What did she get from it, other than taking some of the heat off of any speculation- not that Rory really thinks anyone would guess.  

“Whatever. He’s a good guy. Like, the best guy. He deserves better than you stringing him along.” Deserves better than you in general. But this is the first serious thing Rory’s seen Zev have with a girl. And Elaine’s faking it. “So break up with him. Now, not six months form now when he’s in love and ends up completely shattered because you got tired of pretending.” 

❤️‍🔥

“As if I care about your opinion!” Except for the fact that she does. It’s not exclusive to Rory, no one can claim that title when she’s been breaking her back for as long as she could remember to mold herself into what everyone else wanted her to be. She can tell herself she doesn’t care whether she has Rory’s approval all she wants, but it won’t iron out the dents in the armor surrounding her heart and it certainly won’t make her recognize her own reflection.

Past the opinion of little Jackson, she’s worried about where the hell she’d gotten the information from. Had she seen something- a moment passed between her and Lux? Or had someone told her? Had it been Candy or someone else? Did Zahra know? Fucking Zahra. Zahra who had stabbed her in the back how many times? Zahra who had beat her out for cheer captain (what a great conversation that had been in the Archer household!). Zahra, who Elaine wanted to run to now more than ever. 

“What do you think this is, Jackson? You say ‘jump’ and I say ‘how high?’. You say ‘break up with your boyfriend’ and I say ‘okay!’? Is your head so far up your own ass that you think there’s any version of this conversation that ends in me doing what you tell me to do?” 

New York, obviously. I’d take anywhere over this place. 

Riches. The absolute last thing I want is more eyes on me. 

It’s not like I’m particularly close to either of them, I mean... they’re not exactly the warmest people in the world. It’s really a choice between talking about dress sizes and potential husbands or talking about business for the rest of my life. Is there an invisible third choice where I get to pick one of the nannies? At least they always remembered my birthday. 

It’s kind of hard to have one without the other. 

Hm... the people who raised me or the people who keep stabbing me in the goddamn back? What do you think? 

Just between us, I miss Zahra... a lot. As much as I’d love to fix everything I broke with Harvey, I don’t think things could ever be the same. And I don’t think I can look at him without remembering everything that I failed to be. I’d probably just hurt him again anyway. At least Zahra expects me to stab her in the back, right? 

Lux. It’s not really a fair fight, with her being dead and all. 

Casey is probably the closest thing I’ve ever found to a soulmate, I’ve never met anyone else who actually understands me and sees through all my bullshit. I doubt anyone else ever will. But I don’t know if I ever loved him the way I thought I did, or the way I was supposed to. I loved Lux... I love Lux, I think I always will and I’ll regret not choosing her when I had the chance for the rest of my life. 

✍️

Now was really not the time to be sussing her out. Not when he was supposed to be there to apologize. But how the fuck could he not when she was practically ignoring everything else he said to defend herself in a way that made literally no sense. “Elaine you said the ‘last thing I need is someone else’s blood on my hands’. That typically doesn’t insinuate talking about your own… You don’t blame yourself for any of the shit that went down last year do you?” He asked, although he felt in his soul that it wasn’t the question he really wanted to ask. The one that was sitting at the edge of his tongue. “Because you know all the shit with Ethan and Grace, that wasn’t our fault.” He offered, as though it was the nicest thing he could provide her. An out for having to share that she felt guilty about anything having to do with Lux. 

❤️‍🔥

She didn’t need this, she didn’t need Noah Russell standing there trying to soothe her precious little mind to make himself feel better. So what if she felt guilty about it all? So what if she said an extra prayer at night for the people who’d gotten wrapped up in their mess and ended up sliced and diced because of it? So what if she was closing herself off more with each passing day, too scared to drag anyone else down with them? Maybe she wasn’t as heartless as everyone thought, but maybe she should let them all think that she is. ‘It’s better to be feared than loved, it’s better to be feared than loved, it’s better to-’

“Yeah, duh. Earth to Noah, I know I wasn’t the one running around on a killing spree. I know you write, like, fairytales or whatever- but stop trying to overanalyze what I said like we’re in fifth period English class. My hands are squeaky clean- don’t know if I can say the same for you.” 

✍️

The shock of the reveal took a moment to settle over him. On the one hand, he felt an additional surge of anger at his brother for never telling him the full story, and on the other, he felt an additional twinge of guilt because it wasn’t like he’d ever asked. It had been so easy to believe the bad in Elaine. And as much as he wanted to believe that it was just because of her relationship with Casey he knew that it wasn’t. Elaine was a bully. She always had been. Between her and Lux. The things they would say about him, to him when no one was watching. “You’re right Elaine. I didn’t. I didn’t stop to think about how you felt, the same way you’ve never given a damn about how I feel a day in your life. And you’re right a large part of that was because I didn’t know. I didn’t know that Casey was the one who broke things off, all I know is that I watched it destroy him and I jumped to conclusions. It was the wrong thing to do. And I swear to god if I can find a way to make it up to you I will. I can’t say-…” But he stopped. Stopped when he really processed what she said. His heart pounding in his chest as the last line had him taking a step back from her. “Wait.. what do you mean by somebody else’s?” 

❤️‍🔥

Elaine wanted Noah to be guilty, needed him to be guilty, because that would mean she wasn’t. It would meant that all the terrible, horrible things she said to Lux had been just that- terrible, horrible things and not the fucking nail in her coffin. It would mean that she was justified in grieving her, in missing her, in wishing and praying for a miracle that would bring Lux back to her. She’d been carrying the weight of it all for a year, heavier and heavier with each passing day. It was sick, to wish a murder on the woman you loved- but it was better than the alternative, wasn’t it? It was better than her tongue being sharp enough to kill. “Like not my own, Noah. Jeez, what the fuck else would I mean?” 

🌱

For Zev, she reminds herself as she treks across the sand. For Zev, for Zev, for Zev, over and over again,  mantraNormally an oh-so-charming greeting from Elaine would make Rory flinch, but for once her expression stays serious. For Zev, she reminds herself, the way she’d had to the entire way across the sand until she reached Elaine’s side. So she crosses her arms over her chest and ignores the barbs and the way they stoke the anger inside her. “I need to talk to you. It’s important, or I wouldn’t be anywhere near you, trust me.” Because she broke Zahra, whether she knows it or not, and that’s enough to make her voice too harsh, tone too clipped already. But she needs this answer, so she tries again, the slightest bit more gentle. “It’s about Zev.”

But this is where it gets tricky, because she hasn’t even said what she overheard out loud, let alone brought it up to anyone else. “Listen, I know, okay.” Rory says with a ridiculous amount of emphasis. She bit her lip. It’s the kind of thing she’d never bring up, if it didn’t have the potential to break her best friend’s heart. “I know you can’t feel that way. About him. And I don’t know what game you’re playing at, but he’s my best friend, and I don’t want him to be a casualty of it.” 

❤️‍🔥

Elaine still remembers the days when Rory was enemy number one, when Zahra was still throwing fits over sharing a space with the other girl. And sure, Zahra had gotten over it, but Elaine had sort of... forgotten to? Or at least, she had at first, and then as the two of them grew closer and closer her distain grew into a whole different beast. Because of course, live-in-cousin always beat best friend. Suddenly, Rory was always there, always wedging herself into the spot that Elaine used to possess or squeezing her way into sleepovers. Jealousy came to Elaine as easily as breathing, even now when she was sure she wanted nothing to do with Zahra ever again. After all, she was sure of that, right?

She’s not thinking of any of this as she gapes at Rory. Instead, her mind is blank- frozen as she grasps for the right thing to say. And then finally, finally, she gains some control over herself back, her expression shifting from surprise to mock-confusion. “Think you hit your head a little too hard when you were all strung out at the lake, because I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” she scoffs, “Why are you so concerned about me and Zev anyway? Shouldn’t you be tending to your psycho-killer boyfriend?”